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The Bachelor Red Wine recap: Quadruple annihilation

Current Bachelor mood. Another episode. Another hazing. Pic credit: ABC

Monsters & Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Bachelor, Season 25, Episode 6, with the help of a glass of pinot (or two) …

Well, Rose-Lovers, we’ve approached another episode of Matt James’ journey to find love.

And I’ve never felt so exhausted. How is it possible for one to feel exasperated at the mere thought of having to watch a bunch of mean girls for yet another night?

True, people shouldn’t just be showing up out of the woodwork come Week 6, but Heather Martin straight up stepped into the lion’s den.

Oh yes, there was also a QUADRUPLE annihilation tonight (plus three if you count the rose ceremonies). But before we get there, let’s start from the top.

Matt James sends Heather Martin home

Heather’s meeting of the women can be summed up in one GIF:

Okay so, yes, there is just a week until hometowns. And it makes sense that Matt would send her home. I mean who could fall in love in just a week (Clare)? Too soon?

When it’s all said and done, Heather bought that white sequined gown, took the redeye, and rented a freaking minivan for nothing. Not only did Matt send her home (because it’s just too late, despite Hannah Brown’s stamp of approval), but all the “ladies” kicked her on her way out. “You’re a plague!” “What’s your name again.” “B***h, what are you doing.” (REALLY LADIES!?! REALLY?!!?)

Can you just like, leave? You’re literally making me sick. Pic credit: ABC

Matt tells the remaining women they give him “energy”–and I question exactly what kind of energy this is–and so no one–not any other people (besides the women on that couch) will take this “journey” with him.

The women found this extremely sexy–so much so, that did my ears deceive me, or did one of them actually say “I wasn’t attracted to him until just now.”

Well, okay then.

Moving on! A rose ceremony actually occurred, and we said goodbye to the runway model who turned mean Chelsea, Serena (not the one who looks like Selena from the Netflix series), and, yep that about does it. I’m scanning this crowd, and the only ones I’m feeling right about now are Abigail and Michelle. How ’bout you all?

Serena P. does not like tantric yoga

Serena P. gets a one-on-one for the SECOND time; meanwhile, poor little Abigail wonders and waits. (As do I, Abby. As do I.)

Serena gets to do a tantric yoga date, which she is basically repulsed by. Matt, on the other hand, is highly “into her,” as he embraces his inner-yogi.

But, for real, the “best” part of the date was when Serena denied Matt’s open-eyed kiss whereby his tongue ever-so-slightly protruded out of his mouth, grazing past Serena’s mouth, which she awkwardly pulled away … just in time. This cringy moment aside, Serena P. lives to see another Nemacolin day.

Abigail goes home. (Ugh.)

Abigail sadly goes home on The Bachelor tonight. You will be missed! Pic credit: ABC

Ugh, as if things couldn’t get worse, Matt sends home Abigail. And it was in an extremely heartbreaking fashion.

It took Abigail coming to Matt to find out if they were stalled in their relationship. And his response was this —

“I was so comfortable in our relationship, that I explored relationships with others and grew a connection with them.”

Knife to the freaking heart. What’s more, Abigail says she’s the “type of person to make men realize what they want.”

Nooooooo Abigail!!! Noooo. Repeat after me —

Not much else except Bri telling Matt she resigned from her job for him, Matt affirming his love for Rachael, and Kit telling him she’s a woman with a plan (which he supports). Alas, Rachael gets the group rose and Matt even scoops her away …. as if this is not extremely obvious she is his chosen one. (Recall the shopping date?)

She now gets a private concert from Aloe Blacc and I only know his name because I am typing it while watching it on my screen. Bri wants to rip out her stomach … not just yet, Bri. You might need it when you inevitably return to your job.

Looks like Rachael is the one. (At least to me. For the record, I don’t do spoilers.)

But I’m left feeling unmoved. What say you, Rose-Lovers? Are we just so beat down that we basically feel nothing anymore?

Kit self-eliminates. Pic credit: ABC

Exactly Kit.

P.S. Jessenia also goes home, but this is not too shocking given she is now just getting a one-on-one. She gave some sweet little beauty pageant answers and even tossed out that Hail Mary “I’m falling in love with you,” but it wasn’t enough for Matt to clear his Rachael “rose-colored” goggles. (Get it.) (I made a funny.) Oh, and Pieper also went home in the final rose ceremony. And then there were four (Rachael, Bri, Serena P., and Michelle).

Next week, we have hometowns! And it did not even feel right giving that sentence an exclamation point. Sorry, Rose-Lovers. Next week, I’ll try and be more excited. In the meantime, I’m going to hunker down and watch some old episodes of The OC.

The Bachelor airs on Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

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