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The RHOBH Red Wine Recap: An Erika tease, a new husband, and a whole lotta fashion

Kyle and Lisa Rinna twin on The RHOBH Episode 5, but Erika is nowhere to be seen! Pic credit: Bravo

Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Season 11, Episode 5, The Divided States of Erika, with a little help from a glass of Rose (or two) …

Well my Housewives-lovers, if you went into tonight’s episode thinking you’d see the Erika and Tom divorce drama (like we were teased in the last episode) … think again.

Bravo did us dirty tonight, my friends. So in that same spirit, may I suggest you fix yourself a dirty martini. Belvedere (or water) if you’re nasty … and let’s recap. I’m not going to waste time with Election coverage – I’m just gonna give it to you straight.

You know how it’s done. Here are the three takeaways from the episode so deviously titled The Divided States of Erika:

1. We got no Erika even though the episode was named after her

That’s right my friends. But for an amazing chill-worthy stare directly into the camera right off the rip and one helluva an entrance into Sutton’s Parisian-themed lunch at the very tale end, there was no Erika Jayne tonight. Sure, the ladies mentioned her name here and there (“is Erika coming?”) and, yeah, Kyle judged “without judging” the fact that Erika is wanting to keep to herself amid the drama – but that was about all we got of her.

I would be remiss if I didn’t provide photos of the two moments we did get:

Erika making the most out of her scant time on Episode 5. Pic credit: Bravo

I would also be remiss if I didn’t repeat Garcelle’s question, “Shouldn’t she have waited? I mean I just feel like they’ve been married for that long …” (Now I know you all are savvy enough to know what kind of Anna Nicole shenanigans Garcelle is getting at here.)

But I’m afraid the only ones waiting are us … another week to be precise. Thanks, Bravo. Now I have to talk about petty fights on a plane.

Scratch that.

Let’s dish on Rob.

2. There’s a new husband in town. The name’s Rob.

I was torn whether to make my second takeaway about Crystal’s husband Rob or the fight between Dorit and Kyle, but here’s the Dorit/Kyle fight in a nutshell: Dorit thinks Kyle interrupts her too much. Kyle thinks Dorit talks too much. Kyle doesn’t want to admit her wrongs. Dorit doesn’t want to wait for her to do just that.

As if I’d wear red, white, and blue to your Election party, Kyle. Pic credit: Bravo

Dorit gave an “Erika-styled” “we’re fine” to Kyle, leaving Kyle stewing on the fact that maybe–just maybe–she was in the wrong. Wrong about what? I don’t know. Again, it was petty.

So back to Rob. Who is Rob you might ask? Why he’s Crystal’s husband. We met him in the premiere episode where we learned he directed the Lion King, and I only remember this because he had all those sculptures of Simba in his office.

But I bring him up because, tonight, he really got his first taste of what being a “Housewives Husband” means. This membership, of course, includes sampling Mauricio’s (I’m sorry – “Mo’s”) fine wine collection … it includes hearing the witty banter of P.K. … AND it also features the wrath of your wife when you tell her that you had a nice conversation with her newest frenemy, Sutton.

Sutton Stracke meets Rob Minkoff on RHOBH
Hi, I’m Sutton Stracke. What was your name again? Pic credit: Bravo

How ’bout that Sutton Strake. She introduced herself to Rob as “Sutton Stracke” (I mean, she does have private access to the Bentley showroom) – but the funny thing was how she acted like she didn’t know who Lion King Rob was ….

“I’m Sutton Stracke. And your name again was? Rob? Nice to meet you, Rob.” Two seconds later: “Yeah, our mutual friend Jennifer Tilly told me you’re a really nice guy.”

For the record, Rob’s glasses are precisely the kind of glasses I would expect a Lion King director to wear. And just in case we needed another reason for having his own takeaway spot tonight, well, you can’t argue with a guy who asks, “can we start drinking now” two seconds upon entering Kyle’s house. ‘Nuff said.

3. Kathy Hilton doesn’t need to play dress-up

Rob’s fashionable glasses lead me to our third and final takeaway of the episode: we had a lot of notable fashion this episode, but Kathy takes the crown.

Rinna had a twinning moment with Kyle, which was somewhat fitting given that her last twinning moment was with Erika in the pink blazer dress at Erika’s house. (And, lest you forgot, this episode was SUPPOSED to be about Erika and Tom, but who’s complaining.)

We also had Dorit and Rinna in matching “Vote” bobby pins … Dorit in a green version of Cher Horowitz’s yellow plaid Clueless outfit … P.K. in his dignified Mr. Rogers gray sweater… and Rinna’s new wig reminiscent of Kylie Jenner’s little bob ponytail she sometimes does.

Lisa Rinna on RHOBH
Whoah, thanks for the compliment, Liz! Pic credit: Bravo

Where does Kathy Hilton fit into all this hoopla?

“You all look very Parisian. But this is honestly what I wear during the daytime in Paris.”

I don’t need to play dress up like Carrie Bradshaw in Paris. Pic credit: Bravo

And that’s how it’s done ladies. Kathy has probably been to Paris more than any of them … has more money than any of them … and I just can’t say enough about our new Queen except maybe to also praise her on her charming directness in wanting to rearrange Sutton’s store: “You don’t need that piece of furniture there.”

So that about does it, folks. Next episode, Bravo has no choice but to deliver on the Erika goods. She is now in the same room with the ladies who lunch, and there’s no escaping this pack!

In the meantime, I ask you: does applying a purple roller on one’s face and buying Bentleys while renting from your friend signify a mid-life crisis or is this just what it looks like to be a filthy rich eccentric-type.

Talk amongst yourselves. ‘Til next week, my dah-lings!

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Bravo.