The Bachelorette Red Wine Recap: ‘Tis the season for virgins and ‘wrong reasons’

The Bachelorette's Mike the Virgin having a meltdown on the group date
What am I supposed to write about sex when I have yet to experience it?! Pic credit: ABC

Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Bachelorette, Season 17, Episode 2, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …

Hello Rose-Lovers! Can I even call you that? Well, hey – let’s look on the bright side. Katie has given us a solid performance two weeks now – this girl knows who she is and appears to be a genuine girl actually looking for love in this crazy world called The Bachelorette.

And tonight – she delivered, noticing red flags right away and sending a guy packing without subjecting him (or us) to a rose ceremony.

But this wouldn’t be The Bachelorette if we didn’t hear the phrase “here for the right reasons” a million times over. Of course, we also need to pluck the one virgin who auditioned for this thing and put HIM on the group date all about sex. At least we have Greg. (All together now: Awwwww.)

So, without further ado, let’s hit our three takeaways of the night and focus on our cast of characters: Virgin guy, the perfect guy, and here for the wrong reasons guy. Your recap.

Mike is the Virgin guy on the sex date

So about five minutes into tonight’s episode, we had a virgin spiraling out of control on a group date that is all about sex. The men had to answer questions like “what is the woman’s biggest sexual organ” and I’ll be honest, I didn’t know it was the brain.

Poor Mike the Virgin. The ABC producers are determined to force his big secret out of him. “Tell us your favorite sexual position.” And when that’s not good enough:

Pic credit: @bachbabe71/Twitter

Mike the Virgin is in actual tears and having a full-blown meltdown. Now they have to compete for the “best lover” competition or something like that, and, we have people like James (Box Boy) showing that he is seriously committed to his schtick channeling the whole d**k in a box thing.

We also have Karl – who emerged as the annoying loud guy of the house – droning on and on about something or other and the audience clapped him off the stage just to get him to shut up.

And then there’s Mike. He truly flipped the script and called Katie up to the stage to read her a letter that not only recognized her “sexpositivity” (I told myself I wouldn’t use that word) – but also revealing that the best thing he could give to his future wife was himself. He wins. And all were happy.

Greg is the perfect guy

Katie and Greg Grippo on The Bachelorette
Greg chops a hole in the bucket for their toilet because that’s what Katie’s dad would have done. Pic credit: ABC

So we knew we all kinda loved Greg after the first episode. He nabbed Katie’s first impression rose and now he nabbed the first one-on-one. As the men noted, “the rich just keep getting richer.” And by the end of the night – Greg was a millionaire.

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure at first if he was giving Katie all the emotional support she needed on the day portion of the date. She was extremely vulnerable, taking Greg fishing because that is what her late dad always did with her. Katie cried a little to Greg about this, and he told her he’d be there for her – in their cute matching outfits (that I think were unplanned).

And not that I wanted them to have this in common, but Greg revealed over dinner, that he, too, lost his dad and not only that – but their thing was fishing too.

Greg Grippo on The Bachelorette
Vulnerability looks so cute on you, Greg. Pic credit: ABC

I kind of needed this vulnerability from Greg. And, oh my goodness, he was so vulnerable, constantly looking away while crying as if he surprised himself that he opened up like that and once he did, he couldn’t stop.

After he told her the thing that hurts the most is that his dad won’t see the girl he marries, and how it was hard for him to leave his mom, he said, “I just want you to know I’m here for you. I think that’s what I’m trying to say.” It was a completely endearing moment for him (and Katie who kissed his hand and listened) and okay, I kinda agree with this Tweet now:

Pic credit: @thebachelw***e/Twitter

Cody (the Zipper Salesman) is “Here for the Wrong Reasons” Guy (and so is Karl)

So we got not one – but two! – guys tonight who showed they are here for the wrong reasons. First, we had Cody the Zipper Salesman, and, unfortunately for Katie, she is going to miss out on a lifetime of free zippers because she sent him home after reading him like a book!

You see, Aaron revealed to Katie that he knows Cody from back in San Diego. (So, wait, is this like a Brittany/Anna thing where two people applying for the Bachelor/Bachelorette know each other because places like Chicago and San Diego are such small towns? Is Cody entertaining men for money?!)

Aaron is the Katie of Katie Thurston's season
I heard Cody is entertaining men for money, Katie. Pic credit: ABC

But, seriously, I really knew nothing about Aaron and we didn’t know if he was trying to pull a fast one, but it quickly became obvious that Aaron was the good guy and Cody was the bad guy. Katie asked Cody if he was truly here for social media fame (i.e., wrong reasons) and also whether he was “unkind” because the only quality she wants in a man is kindness.

Cody’s response was either shock or watching paint dry because his face was pretty blank.

Cody Menk on The Bachelorette
I don’t know what he’s talking about, Katie. Pic credit: ABC

As Katie noted, “He didn’t look surprised or offended – not genuine – just rehearsed.” To which I say, Go Katie!

Red flag? Buy-bye, Cody!

After Cody’s departure and a little bonding time over childhood poverty with Andrew S., Katie ominously exclaims: “I don’t know how tonight could be ruined!” Cue Karl, who is about to ruin!

He’s kind of like the male version of Victoria, it seems, because now he’s just gonna try and start s**t where none exists. He vaguely tells Katie, “well, you know there are many guys here possibly here for the wrong reasons.”

Katie asks can you give me examples. Karl: Nah … I’m just gonna watch you squirm and cry and not say anything else because I’m a f**k boi and that’s what I do.

Pic credit: NickoWatchesTV/Twitter

So that’s where we pretty much left off. Karl is going to be the villain and we see him lurking around next episode too. I pray ABC doesn’t get their hands on Katie too much and make her keep him around. You see, ABC – we are appreciating Katie for calling out the B.S. We are over contrived drama. We like watching real love connections. Send Karl packing and allow Katie to keep her credibility with the viewers.

Okay, sorry. Done with the rant now. I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that Conner B. (Cat boy) who started strong appears to slightly be going downhill a bit (you guys, I think he’s a bad kisser). His kissing skills versus Thomas’s kissing skills (say no more).

‘Til next week!

The Bachelorette airs Monday nights at 8/7c on ABC.

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