The Bachelor Red Wine Recap: We gained a Heather and lost a Queen

Heather Martin shows up to The Bachelor
Heather Martin from Colton’s season showed up on tonight’s episode of The Bachelor, surprising Matt and the other women. Pic credit: ABC

Monsters & Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Bachelor, Season 25, Episode 6, with the help of a glass of pinot (or two) …

Hi Rose-Lovers! What a night. A lot went on tonight … Matt James wore something other than a turtleneck. Heather Martin from Colton’s season showed up and quarantined. And our Queen–Katie–went home.

While that last statement pains me, as they say at the Nemacolin–the show must go on.

Okay, so they don’t really say that. But dangit, I’m sure Chris Harrison does! He is, after all, morphing into a caricature unto himself with each passing week.

So pour the wine, or coffee … whatever state of mind I have found you in. And let’s recap.

Heather Martin “randomly” shows up

Actual footage of ABC’s latest stunt (i.e., get Heather Martin to show up Episode 6). Pic credit: ABC

So I’m still perplexed by this one, but Heather Martin from Colton’s season appeared. She like full-on went through the security gates (well, almost) and demanded to see Chris Harrison!

Once the little puppet master showed up, she explained (from about 50 feet away) that her friend (Hannah B.) just happened to tell her that by golly, she and Matt would be the perfect fit! So Heather HAD to come, even if it meant quarantining at the Nemacolin before being fed to she-wolves.

But for basically the whole episode, Heather stayed in her room, “ate pizzas” and pretended like she was Rapunzel–alone up in her castle–saying she was ready for some “human interaction.”

While I drastically questioned that wish of hers, Matt was up to some more important matters.

Tyler Cameron is the Bachelor gift that keeps on giving

It took an hour and 35 minutes, but Tyler Cameron (Matt’s BFF) finally graced our screens on The Bachelor. Pic credit: ABC

Namely, he was going to meet his best pal, Tyler Cameron, to get some advice before his one-on-one date with Katie (as if these guys aren’t roommates and haven’t already talked about this stuff).

And, yes, guys, I realized I skipped over like a whole group date of bowling, but in the hierarchy of importance, a shirtless (or salmon-colored shirted) Tyler C. ranks over the Pretty Petals winning their bowling game any day.

Plus, our Queen Katie accompanied Matt on this date, and that’s a win-win for me.

The date featured Katie and Matt spying on Tyler getting a massage, and Katie was naturally an excellent choice for this date. She does, after all, reign superior in the humor, emotional intelligence, and let us not forget, sexually empowered, departments.

Unfortunately, Matt just didn’t see it for the two of them, and he sent Katie home.

So long, Queen. You are in a better place now, away from the “toxicity” and the overuse of the word “literally.” Pic credit: ABC

As I tried to pick my jaw up from the floor, Heather readies herself in her finest bedazzled white gown–a natural choice for anyone leaving quarantine and entering hell on Earth (aka, the Nemacolin lobby).

According to Chelsea, Heather beelined straight past the women, took a “hard left” towards Matt (where he was talking with Pieper), and would you believe the nerve of her … she giggled along the way.

“I’m here!!” Sorry, Heather, but Pieper is not having it. Pic credit: ABC

Heather wasn’t the only one who was giggling. Matt not only laughed when he saw her, but he called her by name as he said “Heather??” in surprise.

Pieper fought to hold onto her moment with Matt, who essentially kicks her to the main lobby curb so that he could embrace Heather.

It wouldn’t be The Bachelor Season 25 if the remaining women aren’t horrified by this new turn of events, and, oh yes, true to form, there they are, scowling on the lobby couch. Serena P. (the flight attendant Serena not to be confused with the Serena who got an actual one-on-one) says: “I already don’t like her and I haven’t even met her.”

But isn’t this just par for the course at the good ol’ Nemacolin? I mean, MJ went home tonight, but as each mean girl goes, there seems to be another just waiting to take her place.

Til’ next week Rose-Lovers! We aren’t quite toxic-free yet … but I’m foolishly optimistic we’ll get there. Ah who are we kidding. I’m still just buzzing off Tyler C.

The Bachelor airs on Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

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