Ahead of tonight’s third episode of The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart, Monsters & Critics columnist Mary Beth Ellis gets you up to speed by answering all your questions — including the ones you weren’t even asking…
What happened last week on Listen to Your Heart?
Chris Harrison sailed right on into the living room and told everyone that they had to be part of a committed couple or go away, and it was very unpleasant to see Daddy Chris so stern.
So one guy, Gabe, did leave, which seemed lovely and honest, but then it turned out the woman he gave his rose to also had to leave, and that wasn’t so lovely.
We heard there was drama between Julie and Savannah! What happened? What happened with the drama?
If you’ve been through seventh grade, you’ve seen it.
Have there been any Official Performances yet?
Yeah, so, Chris said that from now on, eliminations would happen based on performances, based on the opinions of “celebrity judges.”
The problem is that after the judges gave verbal comments of ranging meanness, we didn’t see them discussing who to eliminate. Or whether they were scored. Or how they were scored. Or if things were settled by gladiatorial combat, or what.
But the couple causing the least amount of tangling with the Lust Pentagon was sent home. That’s all I’m saying.
I’m not saying.
I’m just saying.
Oh really. Who was eliminated?
Bekah and Danny, who I assure you exist.
Wait, who? Why didn’t we see more of them in the previous episodes?
Bro, do you even Bachelor?
Who were the Celebrity Judges?
Jason Mraz, Ke$ha, and a Bachelor couple I’ve never heard of but who is referred to several times as “Bachelor royalty.”
Their Highnesses were given access to an open bar.
Are there still rose ceremonies for eliminations?
Yes, but they have all the simple elegance of a coordinate plane SAT word problem.
What happens is, Chris announces the names of the couples who get roses, and then that couple stands together and offer each other roses, and then The Chosen all stand in a room, straining to see who else will join them for further pursuit of pending glory.
What’s the “pending glory”?
A recording contract and … a concert tour.
In the middle of a pandemic?
You should also know that there’s a new strain of insects on the loose known as “murder hornets” that bite the heads straight off honeybees.
Also, next year, the Midwest will see the cyclical return of the 17-year giant cicada swarm.
One of you is responsible for all this, and I want to know who.
What will happen tonight on the live blog?
The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.