Last week, on Episode 2, we were introduced to the following:
– The poignant reminder that a pretty woman named Cheyenne was in the house for three weeks but all of .000000000001 seconds of screentime. You’re not allowed to know anything else about it.
– How to arrange three different dates for $0.00
– Trevor, of American Idol fame, also apparently is of cheating-on-his-girlfriend fame. His date, Jamie, who was first introduced crying over the fact that “every guy I’ve ever dated has cheated on me” reacted by bending over into a pillow and then being all “meh.”
– Every single commercial was concerned with the quarantine, here on this show you sat down to watch in order to forget about the quarantine.
– One of the men was labeled a “celebrity impersonator.” Nothing else has been said about this, by anyone, at any time. And so… we wait.
– I do not miss being single.
Let’s see what happens next tonight at 8.
Annnnnnnnnnnd we’re back.
-Oh man Gabe is now flinging himself into the Savannah/Brandon/Sheridan/probably also Chris Harrison/Julia junior high note-passing nightmare. He’s “enjoyed talking to (Savannah)” and “had a conversation with her.” Dude NO.
-Chris “ONLY WANTS TO SEE COUPLES THAT ARE SERIOUS ABOUT TAKING THAT NEXT STEP FORWARD” when he sees them next. This STD-riddled hot tub is for CLOSERS.
Like, he’s mean about it.
-The ladies are starting to disintegrate under the pressure. I’m seeing glasses instead of contacts. I’m seeing people fully clothed. I’m seeing some natural eyelashes, slippers, and second-best yoga pants.
-Chris confirms that there will be no more new people. Somewhere, Trevor, who has been likely running through every ex in his head and vectoring how close they live to the Bachelor mansion, is bursting with mental party horn emojis.
-Bri and her fella are the most solid couple in this house “a billllllion percent.” Aw. They don’t make me snarky. Rare quality.
-No matter what happens in the next 90 minutes, nothing will top the shock I just experienced at learning that The Connors is still on the air.
-Brandon tells Julia that he didn’t rose her up because “I knew you were staying and I wanted Savannah to stay.” Oh now it’s okay.
What he probably didn’t think would happen was that Julia would repeat this to Savannah.
Which she does.
-Gabe ramps it all the way up to “the only way I could see a way forward is being in a couple with you” with Savannah. Wait, he– only did some supported wall handstands and maybe a couple vinyasas out on the deck with her before coffee. Where’d this come from?
-Savannah hits Gabe with “I really value the friendship that we have.” He’s like “Thanks for being honest.” Aw dude go sit on the Couch of Sadness with Sheridan and Julia’s “Look, I respect you” pronouncement.
So Gabe decides to leave, because of course he does, as he seems like a decent fellow who has gotten 0:01 seconds of screen time. Well at least this is a nice mo–
-Oh wait Ruby has to go too?! Well that sucks. Give her a chance to steal.
-Savannah does the Run ‘n’ Sob. No cameras please! None, here on this reality show based on filming every moment of her life for several months!
-Brandon chases her down and pleads that he is now a “whirlwind of chaos.” He nails her down: “You wanna do this or you wanna go home and cry?”
-Apparently being talked to like she’s on the other end of a Zach Morris cell phone call is Savannah’s thing, cuz that works.
-This perfume commercial featuring three chicks creepily chanting in a field is about as uplifting as the “Hey, remember the pandemic?” commercials popping up every two seconds, and that is saying something.
-Chris Harrison returns and says 99% sincerely and 1% tauntingly, “Hey guys. Tough day.”
-The couples will be given songs to perform and will be judged by Very Famous People and also other Bachelor couples. That’s the most impossible part of this entire show. How many still-together Bachelor couples are in existence, like two?
-The Most Committed Couple with the Truest Most Sincere Pumpkin Patch will win, because that’s something which is absolutely measurable.
-Montage of singing through sinuses and also Autotune
-Brandon and Savannah were given “I Want You to Want Me” which is physically impossible to perform without a whole Olympic-sized pool of cheese, so best wishes.
-Sad Julia! She can’t sing because “this feels wrong.”
-Sorry, ABC, but simply slapping a “no better time to watch Millionaire!” doesn’t make it so just because “it’s on a new night.” You lack Regis and you lack watchability.
-Date card! For Bekah and Danny! Who exist, I guess!
Okay, this is actually helpful. Bekah is the one with the Jessie Spano hairband and Danny is… the “celebrity impersonator.”
-Just in case you missed your employee break room, Julia is literally stirring some water cooler s*** as she watches Brendan and Savannah be coupley in the kitchen. She “has no respect for Brendan.”
-And Savannah is “fake as hell. She went from 0-100 with the PDA.” Julia, lashing out like… some… violently lashing… thing. Also there’s a giant crystal on the coffee table that looks like it was chiseled straight out of Merlin’s cave and at this point that’s the most sane aspect of this entire house.
-Turns out Natasha is “Natascha.” Huh.
-Julia sits down with Savannah: “I want to leave and” (voice drops to terrifying whisper) “it’s because of you.”
-Savannah genuinely wants to know how this affects Julia. “I just want to sit back and breathe and be Savannah!” And then to the camera: “Julia’s catty, jealous, and insecure.” Super yogic!
-Natasha and her buddy (I just looked it up. RYAN) who’s played pretty much zero role in anything are now meeting with “Bachelor Nation royalty” and I have no idea who Their Majesties are so wondering who they are provides a good two seconds of entertainment.
-In my state, dentists are permitted to reopen but not hairdressers. Are these decisions being made by a hungry three-year-old who hates everybody?
-Rudi is wearing a Cosby sweater and there’s a lot wrong with this. I’m just going to sit here and think about more calming things, such as the gigantic fuming crystal, the removal of which has probably unbalanced the Earth’s crust.
-Jamie hasn’t wet a pillow lately, so she has an Artistic Tantrum over her rehearsal.
-I don’t know what this ABC new game show is but apparently it involves a clown so I’m out.
-Wait, this Big Important Concert Competition is literally happening in the backyard of the house?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA the budget for this is literally maybe $2.50 more than I had to run a start-up alumnae choir concert consisting of fourteen people and a borrowed keyboard, and I sourced the entire performance at Dollar Tree.
-Judges: JoJo and Jordan! (I… okay.) Jason Mraz! (You know what, I was just wondering what became of him. Listen to Your Heart, apparently.) Ke$ha! (Same.)
-Rudi is wearing a sparkly top with plaid pajama pants and THAT needs to be the Official Look of Pandemic 2020. Jason Mraz is glaring at her like “Well, you done done me and you bet I felt it.”
-How are these people possibly judging how good and authentic these relationships are? A massive chunk of this kind of singing is acting and this is… dumb. I mean, I was asked, as a 14-year old choir member, to convincingly portray all the smolder of “Blues in the Night” while trussed up in a white Oxford blouse and floppy blue bow tie. It’s the game, man.
-Bri and Chris. He tries to kiss her right before they go on and she’s like “Nope.” Wut? Chris looks sharp in a grey suit. Bri is wearing a dress that’s combination chain mail and a Star Wars hoodie and the drapey back is pretty. Assuming I ever leave the house again–as though I ever left the house before this–that’s the kind of thing I would like to wear. Maybe to the grocery.
-Jason Mraz dings Bri for singing to both to Chris and the audience and… that’s… kind of… what you do when you… duet?
-Bekah and Danny (I had to look up your name again, bro, sorry) have chosen to sit for “Ho Hey.” BOLD.
-Bekah sure is proud of that right shoulder. But I think she’s the best lady singer. Maybe it’s cold? (Later, Savannah also wears a suspiciously similar jean jacket over a yellow jumpsuit. Yeah, it’s cold. No woman voluntarily makes these kind of executive fashion choices.)
-Also Bekah tries to kiss him and he DODGES it and woooooow this is not going to please Jason Mraz.
-The “Bachelor stars”, regarding Savannah and Brendan:
“Do you think she likes him?”
Julia sets off a HA! flare
-Ke$ha has a tattoo of an eye on the inside of her palm and that’s interesting. I don’t usually see a lot of tats there. I think it would freak me out while I was eating a handful of peanuts.
-Julia’s concert outfit is striped sweat pants from 1984 but the stripes are Bedazzled. Then again I made an orange and red rhinestone yoga bra featuring the Rebellion logo from A New Hope so this is the first thing I’m going to notice, everybody.
-Ryan’s gonna Casio it up, and Natascha makes a Dramatic Entrance from behind the band!
-Jamie: “I’m not as good as everyone else.” I can’t get over how Natascha twirls her finger in a circle while singing “Round and around and around and around we go.” No. I mean my go-to dance move is to act out the lyrics because I’m That Chick, but that’s because I can’t dance. Or sing.
-Jason Mraz basically tells Celebrity Impersonator that “Natascha soars around you” and “her career is going to take off” and I’m sure this is all delightful for him to hear.
-Jamie deals with all this by doing squats. In a ruffled miniskirt.
-Chris to Jamie: “You had an emotional moment before your performance. Take me what was going through your mind, and also why do you constantly fail to wear pants?”
I may or may not have added that last clause.
-I need this blue chandelier in the outdoor/concert area. It’s like what a hippie eight-year-old would want in her room, and I have a certain percentage of that energy.
-Wait, there are roses? I thought the judges were controlling from here on out? Why– what…?
-CHRIS: Hey everybody
EVERYBODY: (dead voices just sick of this s***) Hey Chris
-Okay so Chris is handing out the roses. Do they have to say “absolutely!” and kiss him, or?
-No wait, they have to give roses to each other and… they’re making this up as they go along, aren’t they, like when my baby nephew started losing at Memory and wanted to change the rules to “how about if we just say if we like the picture or not.”
-Natascha waving her rose around as she enters the Room of the Chosen and I do not like the tone of the twirling.
-Julia and Sheridan are staying and she’s gloating.
Julia: I cannot imagine taking the stage with anyone else!
Sheridan: Wow, hey, our connection is growing!
Me: aw, buddy, let me tell you how this ends.
Literally in the next interview, Julia is like “I don’t want this muddied by how I feel for Brandon.” They’re trying to make this all dramatic like Savannah and Brandon aren’t going home as the pivot point of this junior high deep-like pentagon instead of… I forgot their names already. Sorry.
-Julia piles on with the Prom Queen commentary: “I wonder if Brandon still has feelings for me!”
-Credits: Natascha is even adding nasally vibrato to her warmups. I leave you with that.
The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.