Welcome to Part II.
Have you been on the edge of your Lysoled seat, eagerly leaning forward six feet away from the person next to you, wondering what’s going to happen next on Listen to Your Heart? Right, okay.
We’re promised a scandal this week, which surely involves something unexpected and shocking, such as one of the women appearing with both shoulders covered.
-One of the guys we can’t remember and don’t recognize runs down the status of the couples we also don’t remember.
-“I wanna kick it with all the girls” is already Quote of the Series.
-“Oh my gosh, Chris is here.” Chris hasn’t bothered to climb out of his zip-up. Proper.
-Oh. Oh, they’re dumping more chicks into the pond.
-Date card for Jam(ie)(y)(ee)? She is told to “grab your guitar and your guy.” She’s also grabbed a halter top with long sleeves and platform boots. And… Brandon…? No! Trevor! She said his name. That is TREVOR.
-They are going to be busking in Venice Beach. What a crappy date. They have to work? wtf. This is like me inviting a dude to a baseball game and then bailing because I gotta roll the shot cart to the luxury suites.
-Yes, that was actually one of my many, many jobs
-“He’s an amazing guy! I don’t think anything could go wrong!” Meanwhile, back at the house, everything goes wrong in the form of Natasha, who has a white form of Jam(ie)(y)(ee)’s halter top. I CAN’T IMAGINE WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN.
-Yeah my favorite part of any date is when he cranks the amp for me.
-I have to ask: Do they actually get to keep the singles people have tossed into his guitar case? For all the therapy maybe?
-Natasha gets hate-hugs from all the women.
-Natasha has glitter lotion!
-Natasha is all gaspy because, WHHHHHAAAAAAT, this Trevor just happens to be the same Trevor from American Idol who dated her ex!
-Natasha has heard All of the Things! Trevor cheated on his ex! And lied to her!
-Natasha wouldn’t want that to happen to anyone else!
-This Macy’s “Come Together to Give Thanks” commercial is solid. I felt an emotion, in 2020, from something on the teevee.
This quarantine has to end.
-Natasha and Trevor meet.
Natasha: I know your ex-girlfriend.
Trevor: …Which one?
-The girls waste no time telling Pink Halter Top what White Halter Top just casually mentioned within her first thirty seconds in the door. One of them is wearing a headband that makes her look like Jessie Spano and I feel that’s the most important plot development in this scene.
-This is how you know you’re watching a The Bachelor production: A sentence begins with “I told him in the hot tub…”
-Another date card. Bree! Brie? Oh it’s that one chick who wears the thing with the hair and the… wait, which one again?
-I’m really suffering from lack of DVR here.
-She and her date drive to the Roxy! Annnnnnnnd…. right past it, to The Guitar Center. Yeah why roll at a famous iconic nightclub when you can wander aimlessly around a chain store?
-Chris! Someone said his name! Bri and Chris. This absolutely is the faculty cocktail party from hell.
-Bri tells a story of how she was engaged and dress shopping and found the dress and she texted the guy and he called her and said “Don’t buy it” and daaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyym that’s frosty. But, I mean, at least she wasn’t to the gift return part.
Never let it get to the gift return part. At that point just do the wedding and fade separately away into the night, clutching your blenders and your punch bowls and your divvied-up sets of wine glasses.
-Maybe the Macy’s commercial has gashed me wide open, but I’m rooting for these Guitar Center-crashing kids. Go hit the rest of the strip mall, you two! Split a Sam’s Pretzel!
-Okay, every single commercial is shutdown-related. I’m jaded and cynical again.
-Also, I know more than one person’s name now which means those are the ones to get booted tonight. Watch.
-Trevor wants to tell Jam(ie)(y)(ee) “the truth before you hear it from anyone else.” This is The Bachelor Presents, Trevor. She’s heard it from 84 different angles already.
-Mel: Brandon “makes my brain crunch.” Points for originality, I guess.
-Patchouli Guy gets a date card. The girl he chooses is named Julia. I know this because he says “Julia” when he asks her.
-Wait, this guy is a “celebrity impersonator?”
-Their date is… to appear on a radio show. I just. This is a lateral Guitar Center offering but an absolute improvement on the standing on a street corner with an amp and a halter top.
-Rudi wants to know if Matthew (?) (Matt? GET NAME TAGS) would like to spend some time with her. Fortunately, she recaps the fact that she screeched at him like his PMSing mommy so I can remember who’s with who here. She apologizes. This can’t have anything to do with the rose ceremony literally just announced. Points for panic-effort.
-Julia and Patchouli gonna sing on the radio. She has a halter top too. And I feel kind of sorry for Patchouli. He really really really really likes her and she’s like “Hey buddy!”
-I JUST GOT AN EMAIL FROM CHARMING CHARLIE AND I THOUGHT THEY CLOSED IT’S A THE BACHELOR PRESENTS LISTEN TO YOUR HEART MIRACLE.
-Oh oh oh oh it’s TRUE does this mean it’s re-opening next to my local Guitar Center!?
-WHO’S GETTING ME THIS DRESS
-Wait, something’s happening on the show.
-Nevermind LOOK AT THESE EARRINGS.
-Mel and her purple hair are sad because Yoga Instructor AND I’M A MODEL Savannah has taken the guy she likes on a date. The guy is named Brandon. She said his name maybe eight times in a row, so maybe it’ll stick there longer than what I had for lunch.
-No, I have no idea what I had for lunch.
-Carrots? I think it was carrots and also like five cookies.
-At first, I thought this top was cute and then I realized it has a giant stripe across the front like it’s 1987. IDK, maybe it’s all right. What do you think?
-Savannah has never asked a guy on a date before!! Isn’t that craaaaazzzzzy? STFU Savannah.
-Julia is Not Happy to find out that Brandon is on a date with Yoga By the Way Also Model. Meanwhile, Brandon is singing “Fever” with her. This is uncomfortable, mostly because the audience occasionally makes it into the shot and the collective reaction is: ….?
-Julia sits down with Patchouli and she says “Look, I respect you.” OHHHHHHHHH. This is BAAAAAD. She closes with “But that doesn’t mean I don’t like you!” Aw, I’m sorry, Pat.
-Mel has her hand on Brandon’s knee and he’s just like propping his head up and reel it back in, girl
-Wait, Patchouli calls him “Brendon.” Is it Brendon? Or Brandon? I…
-Guys LOOK AT THIS SCARF.
-Now Julia is kissing Brendon/Brandon and wow I don’t miss junior high. Even junior high school students, currently prevented from attending junior high, don’t miss junior high.
-Natasha announces that Ryan is the guy she’s had her eye on and wants to talk to him.
-…There’s a guy named Ryan?
-He literally says “…okay” after she announces this. That’s outstanding.
-You know what they’re editing this as? Like this is Natasha finding someone who’s not attached and grabbing a chair – a chair with a Y chromosome–before the music stops.
-One of the other chicks is kissing Ryan and it’s incredibly super awkward, to the point where he says, “We can make it less awkward.”
-What are these people going to do when the homeowner comes home unexpectedly and flips the light on and starts calling everyone’s parents?
-Chris is here and has splashed out with the working clothes. What’s it like to wear a tie and pants, Chris?
-The episode has not yet hit its “connection” quota so everyone’s cramming it in at Minute 119.
-Julia: “He’s” (Patchouli) “such a good guy and I don’t know what he’s going to do after this!!”, meaning her all-but-total rejection of him. Which is… somewhat offputting.
Lookit, he likes you, and it’s nice that you don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I’m sure he and his plentiful hair and shiny black guitar are going to be okay. He and I are gonna go to Charming Charlie’s and I’mma get him a hat.
-Awwwwww, Chris and Brrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiii.
-Trevor hopes that Natasha is going home tonight. But… they got along so well.
-Annnnnnnnnnnnd she’s not.
-B–d– chooses between the, like, 17 women who have been hurling themselves at him.
-Wait, there’s a guy named Gabe?
-There is, and he picks one of the new girls, Ruby, who I also wasn’t sure actually existed.
-Patchouli has the final rose and lets Julia twist in the wind for .0000000000000000001 seconds before choosing her.
-Two of the already-chosen women are crying like they’re awaiting a death penalty verdict.
-This poor woman Chyenne is never mentioned except at rose ceremonies and now she’s leaving and that kind of sucks because she seems pretty cool but they don’t even give her Limo Tears.
-Julia says that she has written off B-Whatever after he chooses Savannah and he THEN hugs her and says they can “figure this out” and she now declares she is “back to square one” and no you’re not, Julia. He picked By The Way Modelling Agency Yoga Chick with you standing right there and put your hand out, okay, take the message he’s passing.
-I have needed to pee since Guitar Center. Bye.
The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.