Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps Married at First Sight, Season 12, Episode 11, The Monthiversary, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Well, folks, we have somehow already made it to Episode 11 and one-month anniversaries, and I’m just as baffled as you are with how we got here. Let alone why Paige is still here torturing herself and all of us, but, as per usual, here we are.
And because two of our couples decided to take to the skies for their anniversaries, it felt natural to give this recap a flying theme.
Erik and Virginia and Bri and Vince soared high. Chris and Paige crashed and burned (again). Clara and Ryan coasted on boring cruise control, but I spy turbulence ahead. And Haley and Jake have engine failure as they die a slow death toward D-Day.
Pop the champagne, Vinny, and let’s recap.
Bri & Vince – Champagne Vinny redeems!
Well Champagne Vinny got a chance to redeem his champagne pouring skills tonight, and you better believe he did.
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Now, as you can see, the boat he took Bri on had rose-colored tinsel all over it (which actually was kinda cute). And, as soon as they climbed aboard, Vinny sat them right down to watch their wedding video (as they couples typically do this episode – more on Paige doing this solo later).
I was oddly disturbed that they didn’t have a drink-in-hand while watching this video, but once they took to the top-deck, Vinny popped a bottle over a delicious-looking plate of fish!
I had never seen Vinny that giddy, and I was happy for these two cutie patooties tonight. We needed this, guys. Because, yet again, they are looking like our most solid couple right now.
Haley & Jake – Dying a slow death until divorce
Oh, Haley and Jake. Okay, so after Jake got past the five minutes of hope the tarot card reader gave him, saying the two had “compatibility” (while Haley silently wept inside), the odd couple then entered into full-on system failure mode.
By the time dinner rolled around, Jake was clearly fed up with putting on airs (something Haley seemed to want to continue doing). I gotta say, Jake made a lot of sense at this dinner.
At first I wanted to shake him and say, “Come on, man! Enough of the Debbie Downer defeatist attitude! But, after he started talking more, telling Haley “look, it’s really hard to ‘move forward’ when I know you’re not attracted to me,” I thought, yeah, how does one do that?
I know the OG’s Jamie and Doug got past this same hurdle, but they did so on the honeymoon. Unfortunately, Jake and Haley have entered a roadblock they can’t pass. As Jake said, “Don’t worry, in four more weeks, you won’t have to see me anymore.” Auto-Pilot: Turn on.
Paige & Chris – Done Done. Again.
Paige starts off the episode, telling us, “I’m just trying to decipher when it’s okay to walk away.”
As we collectively yell at our TVs “DAY ONE WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD!” let’s hear her out. (Why the heck not.)
Chris (likely just having come from a five-course meal with Mercedes) shows up for a game of basketball with Paige where it seems minimal effort is good enough! Chris “shares” two things about HIM (“my goal is to have five businesses that net me a million apiece” and I want kids with an ‘s'” (aka, there’s hope for babies with you as well yet!).
And in case you weren’t sure of Chris’s current occupation, allow Wiki to clarify that for you:
Collect yourselves, guys, because, in true Chris Williams form, we will now hear Chris tell Paige (and I quote), “I’m not trying to quit … right now.” This, of course, lights Paige up, and THEN, 20 minutes later, “Quit,” he does.
Showing up yet again “jazzy” in his joker suit, he tells Paige he just got off from “work,” they shoot pool and I think flirt (cringe), and then Chris tells her he has zero connection with her (again). (Apparently, he had called her a “few” times to say,”Hey, yo, let’s grab some food” and Paige didn’t answer. He couldn’t follow that eloquent food request up with a text (even though every scene we see him texting) and Chris tells her she’s not fulfilling his emotional needs.)
In case you missed it, Paige, that’s Chris trying to flip the script. Mind-effery at its finest.
Adding insult to injury, Paige is left to watch the wedding video, by herself, in their “mutual apartment” … and, I ask, Paige, yet again–the same question I’ve asked for the past 30 recaps or so…
Virginia & Erik – Some turbulence but we’re (sorta) having fun
So Virginia and Erik started out rough tonight. It seems Virginia has a little too much moxie for her more mature husband–a blessing and a curse for him.
He wants them to live in his swanky pad (that he owns)–an idea that Virginia bucks. Erik has a point in saying you rent, I own, but Erik is just a little too quick to say that I’m still going if you don’t move with me. (Kind of like his, if you don’t want kids, I’m out.) It just feels very … finite.
But their issues were cured with a little flying mission, and I kind of dug it when Virginia asked him to do that “zero gravity” thing, and cell phones and other gadgets were flying around them like they were NASA astronauts.
Virginia then gave Erik a life-size blanket of herself, Erik gave her coordinates of where they got married–neither of them was feeling each others’ presents, but, at the end of the day, they are still happy “in love.” (That is, until next week where we see all hell breaking loose between them – but we are just taking this season one episode at a time guys. Let’s go gentle on ourselves.)
Clara & Ryan – Words can only take you so far
Clara and Ryan are still enduring their same problems. Clara wants sex. Ryan isn’t giving it to her. On top of that, Ryan thinks he can cruise control on “sures” and words. Lots of talkie-talk and no walkie-walk. He DID lean over and give her a smooch on the forehead as they watched their wedding video, but that was it.
When they sat down for the helicopter ride he arranged for them (thoughtfully listening to her saying she wanted to do that), he called her “pal.” And as she began pouring her heart out over their dinner, she stopped herself when Ryan talked about the siding being off on the walls.
There’s just this whole vibe of “I will ace being a husband because I do everything perfect and calculated,” but sometimes, Ryan, you just gotta throw caution to the wind – especially in love. And ESPECIALLY when you are married to a gal who wears her heart on her sleeve.
I feel bad for Clara. She is being a trooper and she’s hanging by a thread. I think her tears as she watched their video were a result of seeing her original hopes on screen (now silently knowing that’s not what’s sitting next to her). But she’s now taking a page out of Ryan’s book and says – fine. Everything is just fine.
Uh, no guys. It’s not.
So that was a tangent, friends. Next week, more trouble in “paradise.” But really, have we ever been in paradise? Think I’ll go hitch a ride on Bri and Vinny’s tinseled boat. At least they are the closest thing to love we got. Pour me a glass but don’t spill, Champagne Vinny! I’m comin’ for ya.
Til’ next week, friends.
Married at First Sight airs Wednesdays on Lifetime at 8/7c.
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