Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps Married at First Sight, Season 12, Episode 3, Nice to Marry You, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
We are back MAFS-Lovers for the final two weddings! Chris and Paige and Haley and Jacob! But let’s just cut to the chase because we’ve been all holding our breaths since last week to see what Chris’s reaction to Paige will be!
I first must warn you: the contradictions tonight … well, they ran a’plenty. We had Jacob looking at Haley like he was repulsed by her but then calling her “majestic.” And then, of course, we had Chris, double-talking out of every side of his mouth. Alas, this little recapper is exhausted!
So pour yourself a stiff one, friends. And let’s recap.
Paige and Chris: “The woman I need but don’t want.”
Let’s pick up from where we left off … you know–when Chris said “oh s**t” upon seeing Paige for the first time?
Unfortunately (like Ryan), Chris did not tell Paige she was beautiful when he first met her. And so, throughout the vows, I, Paige, and America were left wondering, what is this guy thinking?!
I analyzed Chris’s facial expressions with all my might … does he think she’s pretty? Is he about to run for the hills? Is he at all enthused like his Pastor Friend over there?
Even Chris’s dad called Paige “beautiful,” which, gave me hope! After all, I’ve heard ol’ dad throw around the “ugly” term like his son, so if pops approves, Chris should too, right?
Ehhhhhh, I’m not so sure. Though Paige maintains an ever-calming presence as if being delivered straight from the MAFS-Heavens, Chris doesn’t seem attracted. The worst part was when he more than hesitated on the kiss, as if it pained him.
But was this because he’s not attracted to Paige? Or because he’s trying to be a respectful God-fearing man?! OR, might it be because he’s still hung up on his ex?! Ex-FIANCE mind you.
Yes, within about the first 10 minutes of meeting his new wife, Chris was telling Paige how his ex has a Yorkie, just like Paige! And that he was recently engaged to this woman(!).
Oh, Paige. My poor poor Paige. I mean, I’ve been rooting for Chris … I noted how he danced with a blowup doll rather than a real stripper at the bachelor party and how he seems to WANT to be a good man.
But then he goes and tells the bridesmaids how Paige is not a trophy wife, that she’s not the woman he wants but needs, and (secretly to only the cameraman and us) that he’s not attracted to her, but that’s she’s beautiful in her own way.
And let us just take a moment for Paige’s bridesmaids, who had these classic reactions to Chris:
Hey, at least the dad found Paige beautiful and was anxious to welcome her with open arms (in case he didn’t make that clear 90 times tonight). I mean, it was kind of sweet, but I don’t know – something was slightly off about Chris’s dad. Kind of like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree if you know what I mean.
What’s more, in between talk about materialistic things, Chris asks Paige, “do you have a high sex drive,” suggesting again that he wants a honeymoon baby!
God love Paige who is all “I don’t have designer shoes, and take me as I am.” Amen, sister!
In the words of Bridesmaid Nancy, “Paige, you are so much more than a beautiful woman with ovaries and he needs to recognize that quick.”
Jacob and Haley: Well now this is awkward
If there was a wedding that could top the awkwardness that was Henry and Christina’s last season, I’d have to say this is it … all thanks to Jacob!
The looks you guys … oh the looks! They pained me so. He couldn’t look at her in the face–darting his eyes from side to side … almost as if he was repulsed by her or something! Yet there she stood, in her bridal beauty glory (albeit sporting a small nose).
After a while of straight-up awkwardness, Haley’s face begins to fall, while all of the wedding guests–who have no clue as to what is going on up here at this altar–are all smiles.
And did you catch the weird vibes even before the wedding? It felt as if Jacob just pulled his groomsmen off the street! Like, do they even like him? The vibe was way too quiet …
It’s. Just. Weird.
Even weirder, after all those looks, Jacob tells the cameraman he is attracted to his wife! To quote, he said:
“She’s very beautiful, I’m attracted to her vibe, and she’s very majestic!”
Majestic, huh. We sure about this, buddy? Because you never told any of this to Haley.
She’s just over there wondering what the heck is going on and I think regretting what she signed up for.
Ah well. Live and learn.
In all seriousness, though, there just might be a weird turn of events where Jacob grows on Haley. The ball is in her court it seems.
In other news, Bri is thanking her lucky stars that she scored Vincent, and Vincent managed to crack a smile from Bri’s (adorable) dad over bow-tie talk. Then there’s Erik and Virginia who cannot wait to get back to their hotel room for cuddles! (By far, these two couples exude the most natural chemistry.)
And then there is Ryan and Clara who are just kind of existing.
I don’t know, guys. At this point I’m perplexed. Chris is hot then he’s cold, he’s yes then he’s no. I’m sure there will be a lot of fights and make-ups and kisses and break-ups.
An “interesting season” so far, indeed. What say you, MAFS-Lovers! Who do you see making it?
In the meantime, I’m going to go try and make bridesmaid Nancy my new BFF. Now that girl’s a keeper. Til’ next week, my MAFS-Lovers. I shall leave you with this … just because.
Married at First Sight airs on Wednesdays at 8/7c on Lifetime.
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