Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Bachelorette, Season 16, Episode 12 with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Well friends, in the words of Brendan, we’ve reached “a strange dynamic at this point.” Yes, Rose-Lovers, it’s Fantasy Suite week. You know, the time in our Bachelorette journey where we want to know what goes on in the suite but not really because the reality of it all is just too hard to bear.
It’s an elephant in the room we dare not address. It’s the episode that causes puns to swirl around in my head but shall remain in my head. It’s cringe at its ABC finest. But we’ll keep it classy, San Diego. After all, we have such a loveable Bachelorette on our hands and three dudes who have exuded nothing but class, so save your judgment for another day and pour yourself a drink.
I’m choosing champs because after witnessing what went down on Zac C.’s fantasy suite date, how could I not?
Tayshia & Ivan’s Fantasy Suite Date – Is that seriously a trailer?
So I went into Ivan’s Fantasy Suite feeling like I still don’t really know this guy. Intrigued, however, by its potential, I said why not. I’ll watch this six minute and 35 second long kiss in a tub full of ice, though mildly uncomfortable it seemed.
And I’m not talking about Tayshia’s or Ivan’s comfort level. I’m talking about me, watching a kiss where the kissee’s lips did not engage in actual kissing movements. But we all mustered through and broke a world record. So congrats to us.
For the evening portion, we, of course, had dinner at the go-to La Quinta dinner table near the pool, but, tonight, ABC jazzed it up with some festive overhead doilies.
Fast forward through some “falling in love with yous” later, we found ourselves at the fantasy suite. And do my eyes deceive me or is that for real a trailer on the La Quinta lawn posing as our swanky suite?
Why I do believe it is, and I kinda dig it! Okay, so I was kinda cringing at the part where the camera angles looked down on the trailer bed and all, but I can’t focus on that.
Tayshia and Ivan apparently stayed up all night talking and I’m left wondering how Tayshia can seriously pull an all-nighter and be perky and ready to go the next morning for her date with Zac! Even if they did really just talk, where does one get the energy? God love ya, Tayshia. You and your morning glasses and little silk jammie set.
Ivan is tight-lipped when he comes back to the awkwardness that is the men sitting around in a triangle silently staring at each other, so I’ll let Brendan once again be our narrator. Brendan?
“It’s a weird balance of wanting to know what they did and wait, don’t tell me – I don’t want to hear it.”
Let’s just move onto Zac C., shall we?
Tayshia & Zac C.’s Fantasy Suite Date – Zac Loves Me and I Love Zac!
Now I have to actually quote Zac’s date card because it became a cute little thing for him, and, hey, I kinda use it in the title of this recap.
“Let’s explore each other” to which Zac C. beams “alright alright alright!”
Okay, Zac. I compared you to Matthew McConaughey in my early recaps, and now I know other people must tell you this too if you’re going to go ahead and quote Dazed and Confused on me now.
And like Tayshia, something else I spotted early on with Zac is his swag. As Tayshia said, “I don’t know what it is with me and a little bit of swag but he has it and I noticed it since night one.”
And yes, he did bring the swag on their painting date where they got to “explore, explore, explore.”
He confidently painted the war paint on them. They confidently rolled around to make art. And I confidently declared, “I LOVE THEM!”
They are so cute, so natural, and I’m seriously feeling Zac’s pain of having to witness her go on these other dates. Yes, I realize that’s weird, but I can’t help it.
Can we just count all the cute moments they had tonight? How about Zac saying “it’s like a wire was disconnected in me and Tayshia took the wire and went rrrrrrrrrrrrr … and lit me up.”
Or how about him telling her “I love the person you are and I just see it and you need to know that.” Or how about Tayshia’s reaction to that where she couldn’t even contain herself and blurted out “And I love you!”
Yes, I heard it.
There was no “falling” in there. None of that who-ha. It was a legit “I Love You!” and my fingers are typing so fast right now because I’m just like eeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!
Can we just call it here folks? Are we really going to put Brendan through the rig-a-mor-ole? Why did we even do that with Ivan? I mean he’s a nice dude and all but the chemistry with Clarkie and his Queen is undeniable!
Oh, and they didn’t get no trailer either. Noooooooo. They got a fantasy suite proper!
“I am spun out of control on this girl – I’ve never danced on a bed before.” Stop it, Zac C. Just stop it. I’ve seen enough. And I don’t need to see you in Tayshia’s pink silk robe to make me fall in love with you guys. It’s already done.
Now out of respect, Tayshia, please ask Daddy Harrison if you can forego the Brendan portion of your week. Tout suite!
Tayshia & Brendan’s Fantasy Suite Date – Wait, I’m supposed to dump you
After seeing Zac and Tayshia, I barely had the energy to type out that headline, but let’s do it right and discuss Brendan the turtle-necked wonder.
For Brendan’s day date, he got to meet Neil Lane, and I honestly think he has never seen The Bachelorette before after seeing this meeting because it took Neil telling Brendan, “I’m the diamond guy” … you know … the one who appears in like every single Bachelorette finale?
This date really seemed to be “let’s see how much Neil and I can freak Brendan out” and I can only picture what Zac would have been like on this date. It wouldn’t have been silent and scared – it would have been popping bottles with Neil!
It became abundantly clear after this diamond shopping that Brendan was on the Bachelorette outs, but dammit if he didn’t actually dump Tayshia first!
“I want a wife and kids but I’m realizing there’s a big part of me that’s broken and needs time to heal.”
Okay, so I’m not even going to joke. That’s a man right there. You’re a good guy, Brendan, and I didn’t see you as being the one ending it but it was written on the wall for Tayshia anyway.
Though I was kinda waiting for a “well I love Zac C. anyway so I’m not the dumpee here” from Tayshia, the older version of Tayshia kept it classy and with that, Brendan got a “can I walk you out.”
I even think I heard Brendan say, “Thank you, Tayshia. God bless you.” And that sealed the deal–these are some really great guys here.
So we are left with two … but ope wait! Rachel Lindsay is here to set the stage for Ben’s nonsensical comeback.
Rachel: “Do you regret any of the guys you sent home?”
Tayshia: “I mean Ben’s goodbye was weird …”
Me: Oh please girl. Downplay your excitement for Zac C. all you want, but we know the truth. We know.
Til’ tomorrow night, friends!
The Bachelorette finale airs tomorrow night, Tuesday, at 8/7c on ABC.