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The Bachelorette Finale Red Wine Recap: You’ll have to do, Blake

Katie Thurston of the bachelorette
Katie picked Blake in the end because, well – really only Justin was left. Pic credit: ABC

Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Bachelorette, Season 17, Episode 10 (Finale), with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …

Well guys, we did it. We endured a 3-hour finale … after Michael A. went home … after Grippo-Gate … and after seeing Katie end up with Blake. We did it. I am a skeleton of myself. But recap I must.

And, yes, I said it. Katie got engaged to Blake Moynes.

I can’t even put an exclamation point after that statement because for me … well, it felt all a little lackluster. Sure, Blake accepts her for who she is – but the excitement (or lack thereof) was written all over Katie’s face.

Were we all just going through the motions to salvage a show? Two things I know for sure: Katie showed WAY more emotion toward Greg during the ATFR segment than she did toward her whole engagement with Blake! (Sorry, Katie – but I don’t think those feelings went out the door like you claimed.) The other thing I know? Well, I am deathly afraid of Katie’s Aunt Lindsey.

Get the hard stuff friends. And let’s recap – Twitter-style.

Even Justin knows he’s a ‘default’

So Greg went home and yada yada yada we ain’t going through all of THAT again. This is a safe space for fun, and what’s fun without our dear Justin? Our boy who made it all the way to the Top Two, sliding in week after week.

Tweet with a photo of Justin Glaze's furrowed brows
Pic credit: @jodiwatchesbach/Twitter

Even after Katie “sealed the deal” with Blake in the fantasy suite, it was as if she had to be reminded that Justin was actually still there. His goodbye felt more like a rushed technicality with feigned emotion on everyone’s part.

But he finally managed to muster up that tear during ATFR, I think because he realized on play-back that he was only there by default.

Justin Glaze wipes away his tear
There’s that tear I’ve been searching for! Pic credit: ABC

Ah, we all love ya though, Justin. And we thank you for your service.

Katie unenthusiastically tells Blake she loves him

So, yeah, back to Katie telling Blake she loves him. Let’s just say all of Twitter-Nation was ablaze (and angry) at the fact that Katie couldn’t tell Greg (her “number one”) that she loved him because of her rules — yet, she said it to Blake (BLAKE!) — who was NOT her number one AND while Justin was still there! So, so much for rules.

Tweet with Wendy Williams in a Statue of Liberty costume
Pic credit: @mostdramaticyet/Twitter

Was she just saying it so that she didn’t have to walk away alone? It had a little bit of that feeling, guys. Okay … it had A LOT of that feeling.

Katie looked utterly defeated, even when going through the motions with Blake. Even when walking into the Fantasy Suite – a week we all know she had been dying for with Blake. And telling Kaitlyn about how he pleased her “multiple times” even had a feeling of “meh” – I did it – whoopdy doo.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is doing her best to make this into a momentous romantic occasion, and we’re just not buying it. And we’re DEFINITELY not buying Tayshia telling us that Katie’s breakup with Justin was “absolutely heartbreaking.” Uhhhh, Tayshia – you watching the same thing as us?

Tweet with a photo of Tayshia making a serious facial expression
Pic credit: @bachelol/Twitter

Meanwhile, Katie seems like a shell of herself, as if all of her spunk and joy got zapped out of her. But for s**ts and giggles, let’s meet Katie’s Aunt Lindsey! She’s sure to liven things up around here, right?!?

WRONG.

Katie’s scary Aunt Lindsey

When it comes to the brass tacks, Lindsey is one scary b**ch. In fact, she might even beat out Pilot Pete’s mom Barb.

“How you doing after you flunked out of the last one?” she begins in on Blake. (Now this worked for Blake’s sister, but it ain’t working for Lindsey). She continues, “you ultimately mean nothing. You better be secure as f**k.”

Tweet with a photo of Katie's Aunt Lindsey
Pic credit: @lindsayoz/Twitter

Yikes! I mean I get being secure and yeah, this is The Bachelorette and do I really see Katie and Blake out there conquering the world in Africa? No I do not. But Lindsey was just downright abrasive and rude! Mom was a little easier but it’s quite possible Lindsey just ruined this whole thing for Blake.

He looked downright somber having to pick out engagement rings with Tayshia, who, by the way, took Neil Lane’s place this episode (you dirty dirty producers you!).

Tweet with a photo of Aunt Lindsey's face photoshopped onto a wedding ring
Pic credit: @_bresus_/Twitter

Quite possibly my favorite Tweet of the night by the way. And as if Lindsey wasn’t scary enough, Blake and Katie then go have their final date with some huge statue burning thing name Zozobra where they write their insecurities or toxins on paper (for Blake it was one word: Lindsey) and burned them.

Is this LOVE? I don’t know about you but I feel downright blissful!

Is this marathon over yet? Oh yeah, Katie still has to confront Greg.

And confront she did. She came in hot, bitter, and angry. And it did not suit her.

After the Final Rose – Bitter, party of one

Katie sits on the couch looking annoyed during the finale
You sure you’re over Greg, Katie? Pic credit: ABC

Greg remained calm, even when confronted about his “acting past” and listen Katie, as he assured you, he’s no Meryl Streep. It didn’t get the rise out of him that Katie seemed to want and she appeared extremely agitated and is this a woman in love?? I’m not so sure. Is this a woman who truly “left her feelings at the door once he left?” Oh I beg to differ.

One word, Katie: Indifference. That’s the best way to get ’em. That’s when you TRULY don’t care. And Katie was anything BUT indifferent last night.

Katie stares down Greg on the couch
Pic credit: @zandraholliday/Twitter

Katie showed more emotion toward Greg in this one segment than she did throughout her whole fantasy suite, meeting the parents, proposal with Blake! (Oh yeah, they did get engaged – that’s how much of an afterthought it felt.)

Tweet with Justin making a shocked face
Pic credit: @erikawarrix/Twitter

So that about does it, folks. Oh yeah, Blake had guys in the audience stand up with boom-boxes playing their Laine Hardy song, making Katie cry. But I wasn’t sure if those tears were about Blake’s sweet gesture or that she had just seen Greg. I wish them well. Truly I do.

Kaitlyn and Tayshia are off to find their Michelle and host another season. In the meantime, it looks like we have an explosive Bachelor in Paradise coming our way! So stay tuned! I’m off to take a hot shower or a cold one. Truly I don’t know how I’m feeling. Michael A.? Are you here? I could use a friendly ear.

Tweet with a photo of Katie and Blake during their engagement
Pic credit: @acceptedrose/Twitter

Til’ next season, friends!

Bachelor in Paradise will air August 16, 2021 on ABC, and Michelle Young’s season of The Bachelorette premieres October 19, 2021 on ABC.

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