Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Bachelor Season 24, Episode 11, the Season Finale Part 1, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two)…
Oh my freaking Lord, Bachelor Family! I was going to say we’ve made it. But we ain’t even close. Peter’s mom is officially off the reservation. I need Daddy Harrison to soothe my nerves. For the love of God, COULD SOMEONE HAND ME THE FREAKING PINOT?!?!
For those of you who missed this first installment of the finale, we got much-needed clarification as to who Peter’s mom, Barbara, was talking about when she begged him:
Now if you were like me (or the rest of the world), you thought the “her” was Madi. But oh no. This wasn’t the case at all! The “her” was Hannah Ann Sluss!
And just like that, my whole world has been flipped upside down.
Dear Holy Wine Glass. Grant me the sips to understand what planet Peter’s mom is living on and the patience to get me there.
While I pray, let’s take a few steps back to see how we got to this point of disarray. Talk to us Daddy Harrison!
Thanks for that, you cruel little mastermind, you.
Our fearless leader reminds us that nobody — not even Peter! — knows how this journey will end. Alas, we’re all in this sinking love-boat together, and that includes you Reality Steve!
Our finale continues in Alice Springs, Australia, where exotic animals roam wild, such as kangaroos … wild dogs …. and …
… well, I’ll just let that one sit right there.
We see that Peter is still mastering the art of walking with just the right amount of swagger while toting a little wheelie suitcase.
He apparently is traveling to a graffiti hut where his oh-so-stable family awaits.
“Bud!” “Bud!” I hear. It’s our first sighting of Barb, who
is WAS quickly becoming one of my new favorite humans on the planet.
Also part of Liz’s “former favorites squad” is a younger looking, scruffier version of Peter — a lad who goes by the name of Jack, who I WAS rooting for as Bachelor 2030.
Hey-Oh, Jack. Not so fast.
Peter arrives to his family, who is lovingly referring to Madison as “Madi,” and I’m thinking Hannah Ann, you are Ska-REWED, girl.
But then Peter describes Hannah as a “pure, innocent beauty” and Barb is immediately intrigued. Trust me. This woman’s face leaves little to the imagination.
Hannah Ann, The Angel from Heaven, Descends and Meets Peter’s Family
Peter fetches the unique creature that is Hannah Ann, descending upon us in a yellow flamenco-type dress complete with two perfect shoulder bows.
She looked beautiful. Radiant! Stunning, even! In fact, I’m quite sure I saw a halo around her head!
Hannah Ann comes in determined to convince Peter’s family that she is in love with him. Oh, but Hannah Ann. No need for that. Barb fell in love with you the minute she saw you! Much like how you fell in love with Peter the minute you laid eyes on him. In fact, it’s not that crazy that Barb sees herself in you 30 years ago!
This is music to the Angel’s ears.
You want someone to love your son, Barb? No fear. I’ve got this. I’ve been playing this season to perfection. And just so you know, when I look at Peter, I look at my heart.
How’s it going over over there with the boys?
PETER’S DAD: She’s a remarkable young lady. And, Bud. For the record:
What’s up with this “Bud” crap, by the way. Of course, Peter “I’ve been seeking validation all season long” Weber beams at this.
And just in case we weren’t sure if Peter’s family was on board with Hannah Ann, Barb cries out, “I feel like I’ve known Hannah my whole life!” Okay guys. We get it.
Madi?? Are you there? We need a dose of sanity. Or an IV-drip of wine will also do.
Madison Meets Peter’s Family. Again.
Daddy Harrison reminds us that Madison’s “ultimatum” is hanging out there like a bad cold, which Peter reinforces during his conversation with Madi.
And in case you couldn’t hear their conversation through the loud constant heartbeats that occur whenever Peter hugs Madison, the producers were kind enough to subtitle their conversation. And I’m talking every freaking sentence. Even though they spoke pretty darn clearly, for the most part.
In fact, Madi even treated us to some well-thought-out sentences tonight!:
MADI: “Fantasy Suite week was important to me. I told you my limits. And you put your horny needs way above mine.” (I paraphrase.)
Peter’s wretched response: “You’re the only person who I don’t know how they feel and you gave me — I hate to say it — an ultimatum.”
MADI: “It’s about ‘us’ and your actions affect ‘us.'”
Peter reminds me (and Madison) that this is The Bachelor and there is more to “us” than beats the eyelash — namely, one Hannah Ann.
Ah crap. The scarred-one has a point. Bloody hell.
Madison reminds us that she is hanging on by a thread. Meanwhile, Hannah Ann is all:
Peter gets Madison to tell him she loves him, and she even says that love is not the issue here. (Love for the win! I yell at my TV.)
As Madison walks hesitantly to the hut, grasping her huge bouquet for Barb. Peter gleefully muses, “I have zero worries!” (Nevermind the fact that Madi clearly just expressed HER worries to you.) There, there, Madison. Surely Peter’s family will be on the same page as you!
ENTER THE HUT!
Yes, you guys. This is ACTUAL footage of Barb. I begin to wonder how many times Peter’s dad has dealt with this.
To be fair, Barb’s breakdown didn’t happen quite that fast. First, Madi had to explain her roadblock to love and why she actually chose to forego the Fantasy Suite with Barb’s stud son.
MADI: “It’s hard for me if Peter had sex…”
INTIMATE! Madi. I believe the word you’re looking for here is “intimate.” Carry on. Just whatever you do, don’t talk about your values and how you want to grow in love with her son!
Ah hell. She brought up the “f” word: Faith. And, well, that just doesn’t fit in with Peter’s “partying” lifestyle or Barb’s “spirituality.”
Now I’m not sure what twisted world we have just entered where Madison is being faith-shamed and Hannah Ann has risen to the level of being an answer to prayers, but that is where we are.
Nobody wants Madi and her “issues,” and even Jack fears that she will keep the Weber Clan from line-dancing at the club. They just want easy. Can you give them that, Peter?
Yeah, didn’t think so.
In fact, Peter tells Barb to just “STOP” with her emotional roller-coaster ways already because it’s only going to push him away.
And away he goes. To a rock called Ew-Moo-Moo where he can sort out this whole mom mess with his beloved, Madison. Finally! Peter is sticking up for Madison as he whisks her away on his journey to become a better man! Hip hip hooray!!!
I can’t wait to see what happens next!
Couldn’t just let me have a moment of happiness, could you guys? And here I thought the “brutal” part might have been these two lovebirds getting eaten by a pack of scary looking wild dogs as they enjoyed their sparkling grape juice.
This episode has my head doing the spins (not the wine-kind), and I kinda love it.
Don’t surrender yet, Warrior Madi! We support thee! But General Madi ignores my cries and surrenders the good fight, realizing their incompatibility, and Peter walks her off no doubt feeling extremely pissed at his mom right about now.
Kangaroo Babies and the Morning After Dilemma
As Peter’s battle-cry rages on, Chris Harrison and his scruff check in.
Can you get over this heartbreak? Or is it over, Pete.
I don’t know right now, Chris. But give me about three hours, and I might have a different answer for ya.
Peter meets Hannah Ann in the wilderness and Crocodile Dundee randomly shows up to tell them they are about to see an animal very few people see.
As Hannah Ann thinks that someone is about to finally show her a real-life unicorn, she and Peter are treated to a bunch of jumping baby kangaroos, which, let’s face it — we all needed right about now.
And just as I’m thinking we might have somewhat of a Desiree situation on our hands here, that sneaky Harrison foreshadows yet another turn in this finale journey!
Yep! Something more unexpected will happen!
We haven’t seen the last of Madison. Or the last of Barbara. Are we prepared to have our minds blown, folks? I’m on pinot pins!!
Til’ tomorrow Rose Lovers!
The Bachelor Season Finale Part 2 airs tonight at 8|7c on ABC.