Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Bachelor fantasy suite week dates on Season 24, Episode 9, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two)…
It’s FANTASY SUITE WEEK Rose Lovers! So open up those bottles, babies, because we’s a gonna need em’. We have ultimatums! We have de-flowering! We have awkwardness to the Sister Wives’ degree! Oh my! So much to recap!
I just hope my Madi has officially run from these heathens and never returns! Sorry Peter’s Abuela. I have adopted her now. She is safe with me, and I refuse to let Peter bring her home, no matter how much your tears pain me.
Our “fantasy” suite week tale begins in the hangar of love, where our bedazzled heroine sets the scene with some standards. Excuse me. I mean, an ultimatum. Because apparently, standards are unfair and, well, I’ll just let Victoria be our voice of reason tonight. What are standards, again, Vic?
Right. Let’s discuss, that first, though, shall we? I mean, since communication wasn’t exactly our strong-suit in tonight’s episode. And when I say “our,” I mean our main man, Peter, who apparently couldn’t hear well back at the hangar.
Madison finally tells Peter she is saving herself for marriage. However, alls I see are Madison’s eyelashes that have now grown to about a foot past her chin and Peter’s Frankenstein gash that also is growing by the minute.
Madison’s Ultimatum
Madison’s “ultimatum” goes something like this: If you have sex with another woman the night before you try to have sex with me, I’ll have a hard time with this.
Peter: Sooooooooo …. that’s a no?
Oh, Peter. Fashion it any way you want. It’s a no. Now, I know we all aren’t used to this here in Bachelor Nation. A girl who is a virgin, is not annoying about it, and actually lays down some standards, but, yeah, in the normal world, Madison is speaking some pretty normal stuff here. But does that stop ol’ Peter?
Peter: It’s not fair to the relationships I have in there.
Me: *growing slightly annoyed* Can we think about what is actually being said here? I’ll decode: “Madison, why can’t I have sex with two women on two different nights in the span of six days before proposing marriage to you, a pure soul no less.”
Though disgusted, I also am pleased that someone is finally spelling out the Fantasy Suite Week for what it is! A dressed up, primetime version of Flavor of Love.
Rational Madison, continues: In no way do I want to give you an ultimatum but that’s what I’m going to basically do so I’ll be cryptic and tell you actions speak louder than words and, just know, Peter, I’m big on that.
Horny Peter: So just so I’m 100 percent clear on this. You don’t want me having sex with the other women in that hangar, and, if I do… I’ll lose you.
Madison: That’s what I’m saying, Peter. Now carry on.
Me:
Okay, now that we got those annoying standards out of the way, let’s carry on to Gold Coast, Australia where fantasy date cards and king-sized beds await! First up …
Hannah Ann’s Fantasy Suite Date with Peter
Woo-hoo! Hey, Hannah Ann. You fast-moving, easy-going little thing you. Peter takes Hannah Ann jet-skiing but not before we learn that all three Sheilas will be sharing a “crib” together.
Now, I’m not sure what said “crib” actually looks like beyond the living room and exterior view that we saw back-and-forth all night. But I’m sure it’s sweet. Let’s check in with Victoria real quick, though, and see what it’s like having all three of these lovely Sheilas under the same roof. Victoria?
Thanks for that, Vic.
Anyway, back to Hannah Ann and Peter’s date. It’s all so, um …. easy. Interpret that how you’d like, I mean that in the nicest way. Hannah Ann has played her Bachelor cards to the tee all season long. And now, on Australia’s beach, she cries on cue. Yet again. I feel like life with Hannah Ann would come with pink love letters daily and little hot-cooked meals every night.
And even though last week, Peter said “I don’t want easy, I want crazy,” I think Peter is re-thinking that whole lapse in sanity as he sits on the beach with Hannah Ann, in her adorable little bikini top.
Meanwhile, back at awkward city, Victoria and Madi are left wondering if Big Boy Pete will do the deed with Hannah Ann, and I’m just wondering what on earth these two could possibly be connecting on. Oh, that’s right. Victoria is basically telling Madi her ultimatum sucks because it’s important to see if everything is a good “fit.”
Madison, this won’t be the first time Victoria has a choice adjective for you this episode, and so I suggest you drink up, buttercup, because this is going to be a bumpy ride. Here. This first one’s on me. And it ain’t no sweet tea.
Hannah Ann’s and Peter’s dinner portion of the date is replete with boilerplate conversation with about 20 “amazings” and “falling in loves,” but there is one remarkable thing that Hannah Ann did:
Hannah Ann: “It’s not a big deal to me if you go ahead and sleep with two other women. As long as you take multiple showers, and it’s us in the end.” (I paraphrase.)
Peter: Thank you. That means a BIG deal to me.
Hannah easily accepts the invitation for sex under the guise of “spending more time” and Peter is elated. Wait. Did he stop for a second to think about Madi’s ultimatum? Like even a second? Nope. Not when there’s a hot tub and dessert to be had!
MEANWHILE, BACK AT AWKWARD RANCH:
Madi: It’s so awkward to think about them, they’re probably at the dinner portion of the night.
Giddy Victoria: Or ready to go to bed!
RUN LITTLE MADI! Run back to Papa Prewett or Papa Barkley and NEVER return! You don’t belong here, all good and pure. They don’t care. Your dad laid hands on you when you were a baby, and, now, I think it’s time that you return home. Please. Madi. Return home.
And just when I thought I couldn’t handle any more, the now de-flowered Hannah Ann comes back in her flowered sundress, and just in case the awkward level couldn’t increase anymore, it just did. You’re not fooling us, in that flower dress, Hannah Ann. The eyes tell all.
The Sister Wives club disbands when Victoria is all, “Well now I have to go get ready for my de-flowering!” More. Wine. Please.
Victoria and Peter’s Communication Goes to a Whole New Level
Victoria is interrupted from all the fun she is having watching Madison squirm to actually go spend time with Peter on her fantasy suite date. Meanwhile, Peter drops this piece of gold, “I love my relationship with Victoria. Except communicating with her.”
Well how about we work on that guys?
Communication 101: By Victoria and Pete
Victoria F.: Communication is probably, like, I don’t know, the biggest thing in a relationship. Like spell it out for me what I need to give you.
Peter: I need 100 percent confidence I can always count on you. And it’s no secret you’ve tried to walk away.
Victoria F.: Yep. I don’t know. I mean … I just question everything I guess. I don’t know. Is that even anything, like …
Peter: I totally get, like ….
Victoria F.: I don’t know what you want.
Sign me up for that masterclass, folks!
Peter then tells her he doesn’t want easy, or even monotone. He wants crazy! Wait, Peter. I’m confused. You want easy when you’re with Hannah Ann. You want crazy when you’re with Victoria. Pete. You silly boy. You can’t have the “best” of both worlds.
And now we are about to have our second de-flowering of the episode and we are only an hour in. Once again, Peter waits all of 5 seconds to ponder Madi’s ultimatum. Kidding. He didn’t wait that long. He was running for that suite before Victoria could say “forego.”
Victoria puts on her best little girl voice as she looks around at their sex pad. Then something really “good” happens, and she suddenly seems to have real tears and remorse.
Meanwhile, back at casa-awkward-as-hell, Madison is pacing that little balcony and hasn’t slept a wink or taken her spider lashes off for that matter. She is either “hearts full or hearts broken!” and is hoping it’s “hearts full!”
Wellllllllll, Madi. Do you want the good news or bad news? Good news first, you say? Good news is, Peter hasn’t slept with one girl. Want me to finish? More wine, you say? Yeah. He slept with TWO. Oh, and what’s worse. He didn’t give your ultimatum a fleeting thought.
Just to make sure I’m correct on those facts. Victoria?
Victoria: “Last night took our relationship to another level in more ways than one. We are so connected now.”
Peter: “Bring it.”
Bring what, exactly, I don’t know. Maybe another toxic conversation? An upcoming dual we don’t know about? Chase Rice? It’s anyone’s guess.
Peter is torn three ways sideways and the “ladies” are about to be fake for the second time in a row now that Victoria has come back from her very own walk-of-shame. Enter Victoria post-deflowering!
“Hii-eeee,” in the softest, littlest voice ever. “You guys look so cute.” No, you look so skinny! Victoria: Well I got in a little work out last night.
Victoria also manages to drop yet another choice adjective on Madison when asked how her date was, saying, “I feel like it was productive.” Productive?! Yep. That one is left to marinate, and I’m just shaking my fist at my TV: Oh you subtle little she-devil you.
At this point, I just want to swoop in on my helicopter, drop down a life-line rope of some sort to Madi, and scream at her to climb aboard. But Peter is still ready to taint because “Madison means the world” to him. That’s why he just de-flowered her bunk-mates.
To add insult to injury, he makes the poor thing climb to a very high peak to jump off a toothpick in what might be the scariest bungee jump in all of Bachelor history.
Madison just puts on a sweet smile and gives us a most eloquent metaphor of how one needs to climb to take risks so that when you get to the top the view is all worth it. Madison. I don’t think that view contemplated Peter bedding two women the nights prior. Call me crazy.
But you jump for love, Madison. And I’ll just sit and watch this tragedy unfold, and cry, and drink, and cry, knowing that Peter obviously has the most natural chemistry with you and knowing that he is going to break your heart. And now I realize I look like Peter’s Abuela and am, therefore, confirmed in my beliefs that it was Madison she was talking about when she pleads, bring her home!
Not before I bring her home, Abuela! I want to tuck her in. Feed her plenty of warm milk or wine. And erase her memory from these tragic events.
But take it away Madi. Tell Peter that you are saving yourself for marriage so that Peter can ask you his expectations of him.
Um, Peter? If I may. Now I realize I’ve had a few and all, but, well, uh. That ship has sailed, my friend. So to be clear, you would give up a forever with each other because I couldn’t keep it in my pants this week? Roger that.
Madison gets up from the table. Peter follows her. And we all know what’s about to happen next.
I suggest you stock up on your pinot (or hard liquor) for finale week, my friends. Something tells me we’re going to need it. Til’ next week and the obligatory Reunion special, Rose Lovers!
The Bachelor airs Monday, 8 pm EST, on ABC.