Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Bachelor: Women Tell All on Season 24, Episode 10, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two)…
It’s the Women Tell All, rose lovers, and I, your resident Bachelor recapper, am here to discuss a bunch of catty women.
They are all trying to edge one another out with either their voices or new hair extensions, as I sit and drink wine, wondering what I did to deserve such cruel and unusual punishment.
With wine, all will be fine. Say it again, now. With wine, all will be fine. And since it’s Zinfandel tonight, let’s spice it up and recap the night, superlative-style.
But, first! Where’s Madi? Has anyone seen her?
I’m worried for her.
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Let’s head on over for a sneak peek of the finale where maybe we can find her.
We have a rose ceremony on the mountainside where a softer Victoria F and a freshly glossed Hannah Ann await their suitor. Note: Hannah Ann did not put on big-girl lipstick. She put on what appeared to be a pink bubble-gum-flavored chapstick. Yeah. That tracks.
With Madi a no-show, Pensive Pete thinks, maybe I didn’t go about this the right way. Let’s unpack that. What Peter actually just said was, “maybe I shouldn’t have banged these two just to get it out of my system, knowing that the one who is wifey-material didn’t want that.”
Hannah Ann *all dreamy (or crazy-eyed — it’s a toss-up)*: My love for him just strengthens me and that’s what brought me here.
As I start to drift off wondering what it would be like to simply exist in Hannah Ann’s little world, I am startled by a vision in red.
Why it’s none other than Madi! Yes, folks, we can cancel the Madi alert.
She has been found along the mountainside, wearing a red cocktail dress, some fabulous Gucci earrings, and her infamous spider lashes.
But someone must go save her at once! She appears to have accepted one of Peter’s final two roses and, therefore, we fear she might be suffering from short-term memory loss, forgetting last week’s fantasy suite events.
Though he looks like he’s been through absolute hell (possibly just having left the Bachelor Women Tell All studio?), Peter can now commence the ceremony. Of course, the first rose goes to Hannah Ann, and then …
Peter: Madison. *hour long pause* Will you accept this rose? I promise I’ll be a good boy from here on out.
Peter: You sure?
Then, we hear a heartbeat at decibels that can only be compared to my first sonogram, and I scream at my TV, “It’s a girl Peter!” Oh, wait. Back to reality.
Peter is literally beaten down, forehead battle scars and all. Madison is hanging on by a thread to even be there. Victoria is all…
And Hannah Ann is dreaming of rainbows. But you’re about to have a rude awakening, Hannah Ann, because Madi toasts to “seeing if love can conquer all,” and we know them’s are fighting words.
Back to Chris Harrison and the sorority from hell.
Women Tell All
Hey Chris, how you doing over there? What?! What’s that you say?!? I can’t hear you because, oh I don’t know, about 17 women are all yelling over each other at once, and I am in absolute hell praying you will finally tell them all to shut up!
OMG, they’re still yelling. That ain’t gonna cut it. One sec, please…
Ahhhhh, that’s better. Okay, where were we. Ah yes. Superlatives of the night.
Winner of the night: Kelsey
Kelsey proved she was able to laugh at herself, forgetting about the finasco that once was Champagnegate.
You know how some women come on these Women Tell Alls and they seem fake about moving forward? Well, I didn’t get that vibe from Kelsey. She clearly did care for Peter and seems to have grown from the girl who freaked out over a mistaken case of champagne identity.
Maybe she would have been a good bachelorette. Nah, don’t get too crazy Liz. Accept that we have Claire Crawley.
Kelsey also got a surprise visit from Ashley I (who was looking rather cute, I might add) and her mega bottle of champagne. You’d think anyone could smile about that cute moment, but no. And this brings me to our next superlative…
Loser of the night: Tammy
Did Tammy smile once tonight? She looked pretty miserable to be there the whole night and was in a constant state of an eye roll.
Tammy, what happened to you? You went from being this funny character to this villain, and it ain’t a good look on you. Needless to say, most of the drama tonight circled around her and her accusations toward Kelsey this season (pill-popper, alcoholic, emotional) and toward Mykenna (you’re a child). There was more, but I couldn’t decipher the one million arguments going on at the same time.
Most talkative: Kylie
I’m sorry, but who is this girl? There is always one that is a bit obscure, but, like, for real. I have no idea who this girl is. Are we sure she didn’t just sneak up from the audience? And to think… we had to forego Kelley from coming on Women Tell All for an almost entire mute back row. Shame on you, ABC.
Most annoying of the night: MyKenna ‘You Made Me Found My Damn Voice’ Dorn
Oh my gosh, you guys! Look! Mykenna is still sticking that tongue out. But this isn’t even what was annoying about her tonight. Rather, it was after one of the silent back-panelist girls called her a meme, to which MyKenna dismissively gave this ugly response, “you went home night 1, stop.”
What does that even mean? Nameless girl doesn’t have a voice because Peter didn’t click with her? Is she not human? Does she not bleed? Nameless girl barks back, “And I’m still on the same stage as you!”
Winner: Nameless girl (Seriously, guys. I don’t know her name. Or pretty much anyone on the back row, for that matter). Besides, Mykenna, I hate to say it, but… well… she kinda had a point.
Biggest surprises of the night:
- The Victorias are besties. I think I learned more about who became besties in the house by watching the interaction of the women tonight than from the whole season. Did you get the sense that Victoria P was Victoria F’s biggest fan? I mean, when Victoria F took the hot seat, Victoria P was nodding her head in agreement with everything she said. Then, she was the first one to give Victoria F a standing ovation once she left the hot seat. Must have missed that whole friendship.
- Chris Harrison is also apparently one of Victoria F’s biggest proponents.
- Speaking of Victoria P, from a medical standpoint, she’s not a nurse — she’s a dermatologist (Zing!).
- Peter’s mom likes to get freaky in the back seat of a Suburban. Now we know where Peter gets it from.
- Not a single person knows how Peter’s journey will end. Not even Reality Steve. Not even Peter.
And with that, I ask you, just how do you think Peter’s season will end? We are in store for not one, but two episodes next week. Which means I need to go to the store now and stock up on wine. Not because I’m going to drink it. I’m planning on kidnapping Madison who seems to keep running away from me and finding her way to mountaintops with horny bachelors. Silly girl. C’est la vie!
The Bachelor airs every Monday at 8/7c on ABC.