As established earlier today, pilot wives must check out of the Fantasy Suite, and they can never leave the unending excitement of aviation life.
The blood, entrails, and flat domestic champagne of the Women Tell All is behind us, and we now move to Part 1 of the Season 24 finale. Should you experience nausea, lightheadedness, a lowered IQ, or despair in humanity at any point during tonight’s show, remember: You’re never more than halfway done with it.
Liveblog starts at 8/7c. Be there, or be, like Victoria F, and go pantsless.
Everybody ready? Here we go. Peter’s heart “is literally split!!”
There’s been a lot of speculation about what’s going to happen over the next 48 solid hours of angst, but according to the previews linked above, it’s going to involve “that rock over there” (he means Uluru )”and that’s a very sacred spiritual (rock cave)? for the people of Australia,” so what Peter and Madison going to do is bear down on it in a loud giant helicopter like a couple of rose-wallowing Valkyries to pay their respects.
-This is the part in which Peter openly discusses his sex life with his mother and his father and his brother all sitting right there together. And their main concern right now? That tricky shady Madison and her Not Telling Peter about not wanting him to go testicles-deep on everyone in the house if he was committed to her.
Also Peter’s mom calls him “Bud,” which I have not unironically addressed to any male ever since one of my nephews was three and he shoved his face up to the crack of the closed bathroom door and said “Aunt Beth, can you see my eye?”
-Guess how Hannah Ann feels? She’s emotional. Because “family is important.”
-Peter’s mom beams. “I see you and me!” she says to his father. You met on national television in the midst of an Instagram sponsoring scrum as he conducted, for all intents and purposes, Disney-sponsored polyamory?
-Peter’s dad also calls him “Bud” and wants to know why Bud is conflicted. Perhaps Bud has been a selfish lover? Has Bud been using protection? There’s a lot for father and son to discuss in detail before a worldwide audience here.
-Madison’s turn. Madison is “not good” and said some other stuff but really I can’t get past her eyelashes. They’re something we’re going to be talking about as a whole culture until the last stone crumbles from atop the second-last stone.
-Good for Peter, who is putting his foot down on Madison’s “like”s and handwaving. He wants to know what’s up with her and her “likes” and handwaving.
-I’ve been watching this woman talk for about eight hours total now, and I still have no idea what, exactly, she’s saying, or what her problem is, or why she expects to feel “confident” in Peter’s feelings for her here on this television program with its stated premise of one man dating thirty women at once.
-From this, Peter senses Something Bad, and says “I don’t want you to go” and “You just have to meet me halfway” and Madison is like “How” and he goes “You can let me bang you.”
(That last part may or may not have happened.)
-Peter--and I don’t know, exactly, how we get here--compares this to Madison losing a tooth in a basketball game and brings up her father and can we please cool it with the fathers on this show.
-Madison: “You put your feelings, your needs, your wants, above mine. And that was really hurtful.”
Let’s hear it for a complete sentence, no matter what you think about the content. I’ll take whatever I can at this point.
-The stank eye from Peter’s PARENTS to Madison over the fact that she 1) did not have sex with their son 2) would prefer him to not have sex with other women as well is the grossest thing I have seen on television since I accidentally saw a mother bird eat her baby bird’s poop.
-Oh hey, Peter’s brother, watching Peter and his parents and this random chick he just met but is potentially his future SIL discuss their sexual activities.
-As to this, Peter’s brother “feels a little bit scared about this situation right now.” I… what… this family… #TheAristocrats!
-Peter’s mom is NOW CHIDING MADISON FOR LAYING DOWN THE NO-SEX ULTIMATUM. She USED THE TERM “FANTASY SUITE” and this is the HIGHLY UNCOMFORTABLE INAPPROPRIATE CRAP SHOW WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
-Peter’s mom says something to Madison about “his lifestyle” and I’m like okay, finally, we’re going to have some reality about Pilot Wife Life and the aloneness and the pay and the instability and… she’s referencing… that he “likes to party.”
-You know what my mother-in-law and I discussed the first time we met? Christmas trees.
-Oh now Peter’s mom is asking God for favors. God’s all, “But my lifestyle.”
-Chris polls the audience about Barb’s “speaking her truth” because what this nation needs now is to be poked with a stick and asked to make emotional decisions.
-Peter’s parents (and Third Wheel The Brother) sitting here talking about being willing to “risk” and “hope” regarding Madison. They’re all Fantasy Suite Hannah Ann all the time.
-Peter’s mom and her famous season-long crying has been… all this time… over Hannah Ann. She wants him to bring her crop-top azz home and not Madison’s.
Because she wouldn’t have sex with him.
Because she wouldn’t have sex with him.
-If I had a parallel conversation with my parents and sister I can assure you that it was because it was the only way to redirect a meteor currently bearing down upon all living creatures.
-We need to take a breath here and recognize what’s really important, and that’s the fact I just shared a post about a local ice cream shop running out of ice cream and how we all need to just let the darkness overtake us. This feat has just earned me the extremely rare Five Different Emojis On the Same Facebook Post. I lack only Anger.
-Peter wants us also to know that Uluru, which is an enormous rock, is “an iceberg.”
-This conversation would seem much more profound if there weren’t an entire plague of flies upon them and Madison remembered the other half of her shirt.
-Madison is crying to the point where she puts her hand up to her mouth but at least she can show off her manicure. Peter walks alone amongst the swarm.
-But what we really need to be concerned with here is the fact that a reader just messaged me to point out that the ice cream shop forgot to include the word “cream” after “vanilla,” which means… they are missing Vanilla Ice.
This is even worse than the front seat for Peter’s simultaneous discussion of his sex life with his parents and only sibling.
-Peter: “This is not how I thought it would go.” Right? Here we were all expecting Barb to cry it out over Madison and instead she’s all mad that this chick wouldn’t knock boots with her baby boy.
-Chris: “Can you get over this heartbreak. OR… is this over?” Is what over? The bug swarm? He… is he expecting Peter to be sad the girl who didn’t sleep with him and left ain’t into it and the girl who did sleep with him is sticking around? He doesn’t think he can’t get over it?
-We’ve really backed off the treefrogging. I stan.
-Here are, as promised, the baby kangaroos, who are not, alas, able to wipe out the image of Barb weeping over the fact that a girl refused to allow her son to hit it.
-Hannah Ann feels that something is “off.” Yes, because, gentlemen, we know. We always know. Once I put an ex on a plane (this was before he was my ex, otherwise, there’s nothing at all interesting about that) but anyway, once I put an ex on a plane, and he said goodbye, and I cried and cried, because I knew – I. KNEW. – that he was gonna dump me and I was probably never going to see him again.
Four months later, he dumped me.
We always know.
-Hannah Ann is Committed, Ready, and Glossed.
-Peter: “Hey, remember when I gave you that First Impression Rose?… Imma dump you.”
-Josh The Pilot has weighed in with the Pilot Perspective: “Madison left? Really? …What kind of airplane was she on?”
-You know how I know and Hannah Ann knows that I know and I know that she knows? Peter wandering in wearing a hoodie and, like, the male equivalent of yoga pants. Zero effort. Zero Biscoff cookies for Hannah Ann.
-BUT. IT’S NOT OVER YET.
is it ever?
-Chris promises that “this will end” and that’s the most wonderful, uplifting thing I’ve heard in the past 118 minutes.
-Okay did I miss the scene from the preview where Chris walked up to Peter and was all “I have something difficult to tell you” or something like that? Is that next week? Did I block it out? Did it happen while I was fretting over the disappearance of Vanilla Ice?
-I’m starting to wonder if Peter’s mom is in this For All the Right Reasons.
-This is really the only correct reaction to this evening’s activities:
I will not be joining you again tomorrow for the second finale of Pilot Pete's self-imposed misery. I'll be absolving sins at a parish penance service. And yes, I'll be sure to go to Confession first in line. #TheBachelor
— Father Dan Beeman (@inthelineofmel) March 10, 2020
FAQ and another liveblog tomorrow for – as reality expert Andy Dehnart says – “Tuesday’s 9-hour final finale.”
The Bachelor Season 24 airs Monday nights at 8/7c on ABC.