Welcome to the Monsters and Critics liveblog of Season 24, episode 8 of The Bachelor. If’ you’d like to catch up and begin at the beginning, start with Mary Jane’s terrific coverage here, including her preview for this episode. And if you’ve got questions (don’t we all) here’s my setup for tonight’s episode.
-I just settled in and was clicking around about this episode and I have realized it lasts for TWO. hours. TWO HOURS. Not one. Two. HOURS. Why is this happening past nine at night and how am I going to make it this long without food what I can’t I am old and nobody told me
-Previews. Madison is announcing that she is “saving herself” for marriage. Which… fine. So did I. But I didn’t announce it on international television while wearing a lacy white tank top. I announced it on the internet. Like a lady.
-Everybody has the same see-through umbrella and I find this hateful.
-Why are all these women immediately clapping their legs around this guy the second he’s within clamping distance? Keep it on the ground, ladies. I do yoga and I wrap myself around myself on pretty much a daily basis and this is embarrassing. You don’t need a dude help you out with that.
-Hannah Ann and Peter are throwing axes and splitting wood and every single person including them is wearing flannel and this is now in the category with the see-through umbrellas.
-Peter has a “things I love about you” for Hannah Ann who says “oh my word” and “my heart’s fallen.” My heart has fallen too, Hannah Ann.
-Can I just point out that Hannah Ann with her giant gold cross and rhinestone necklace and flannel and “oh my word”s has…. not announced that she’s saved herself for marriage?
It brooks discussion. and tea spillage.
-Commercial for certain widespread jewelry chain, because every love story begins with “You went to the mall for my engagement ring, oh my word!”
-Once, just once, I want to see a Bachelor or contestant say, “Family isn’t all that important to me. Screw ’em.”
-Hannah Ann’s dad isn’t having this. Any of this.
He’s the best.
-Hannah Ann’s… sister…? has taken her aside and is asking her for details about Peter and how he feels and how she feels and they’re crying and honestly if I traipsed through the door with The Bachelor and fourteen TV cameras, my sister’s reaction would be “Come here… come… come here… WTF are you doing on The Bachelor?!?!”
-Peter’s gonna tell Hannah Ann that “he’s falling in love with her” and he’s gonna tell her tonight but first he lets her dad know. Her dad. Not her. And “falling in love.” Not “fallen.” This is all very healthy and above-board.
-The equivocation with this guy. “Hannah Ann is definitely someone I can see myself getting down on one knee for.” Well, you know, Peter, I can definitely see myself skating to “Margaritaville” in the Olympics, but that doesn’t inch us any closer to actually seeing it happen, now does it.
Hannah Ann: I’m in love with you.
Peter: I love hearing that
-Hannah Ann is now standing in the rain, not laughing nearly as hard as I am.
-Because when you think “Iowa,” you immediately think “wine country!”, Kelsey and Peter are making a bottle of wine and stomping grapes that aren’t even wine grapes, I don’t think, and just… I’m so tired of these people and theeeeeeerrrrrrre we are in with the legwrap in the grapes.
-I worked as a wine educator for a while, and the Lesson One in my training was to never use “Cheers” as a verb. People from actual winery areas know this, KELSEY.
-Kelsey: I’m in love with you.
-I’ll give it to him, he changes it up. “I can definitely see a future with you” is Kelsey’s form of “I am not telling you that I am in love with you.”
-Is the lift-and-legwrap thing just bothering me because I’m 5-4 and my husband is 5-8 and if we tried this we would both shatter a femur and destroy a wall?
–MICHAEL BUBLE IS ON MY TV, THIS IS NOW ALL WORTH IT
-Kelsey’s whole entire family leaps up and screams when he comes through the door. This was never the reaction my family gave any boyfriend I ever brought home ever, including the one with all the tattoos.
-Kelsey is wearing a sparkly sweater and that’s all I’m jealous about right now
-Kelsey and her dad and Kelsey and her mom are crying and discussing love. Meanwhile, my pilot husband and I are texting each other about the Daytona 500.
-Do I have time to make a quesadilla or… no. thanks, ABC.
-Oh Stanley. How far you’ve fallen.
-Madison is in Auburn: “This place means literally the whole entire world to me.” Well, Madison, if you become a pilot wife, you’re gonna see Buffalo, Syracuse, AND Newark! She drops him a WAAAAAR EEEEEEEAGLE and makes him do it too and I… why, why didn’t I drink.
-Charles Barkley is there to greet them via video message. Their names are up on the scoreboards. They also have personalized jerseys. This show is less a dating journey and more what you win at parish festival Bid ‘N’ Buy auction. And this is patently unfair to Hannah Ann, because… I… axe throwing vs. all the pixels all to yourself?
-Madison treefrogging UNLOCKED
-Madison’s family has a Special Plate, and when you have it, everyone else has to say something nice about you! Raise your hand if this is a recipe for absolute disaster in your family.
-My mother in law just boosted my Bachelor-related tweet. It’s a new world.
-All these dads twirling their shotguns and my father was just like, “You got health insurance? Welcome to the family, son.”
-Madison gets an “I’m really excited about us.” Peter also adds in a “head over heels” to her “I’m falling in love with you.”
-Victoria F. in Virginia Beach. We greet with a leap-and-twine.
-Old time photos. What. What. Are you– yes. They’re serious. They’re peddling this crap from a third-rate amusement park in 1986 as a date. Meanwhile, Charles Barkley is over here smirking.
-Hunter Hayes is here…!
…Like I said, I’m old, and I’m not really sure if I’m supposed to know who he is. He’s playing in front of the Quality Inn, so he’s doubtless Big Time.
-Peter “randomly” runs into some chick he knows. She wants him to “just be careful” and that “things happened.” She’s best friends with one of Victoria’s friends. Her face is blurred out. #ReliableSources
-Blurred Face Woman fades into the distance, taking all her tea with her. Peter calls this “a bomb,” which– what? What bomb? Did she tell him something actually interesting and useful off-camera?
-Oh man Peter wants to talk before they even go in the hooouuuuuuuuuseee this is baaaaaaad
-PETER: Her name is Merissa.
THE ENTIRE INTERNET: *makes face-blurring irrelevant*
-I cannot believe this woman has made it this far. She’s dropping more red flags than the Indy 500 in a hurricane and he’s still…
I mean, it’s not what MERISSA THE SECRET SECRET MYSTERY WOMAN had to say about her. It’s how she handles disagreements and emotional situations and then there’s the constant hair smoothing…
-I don’t even know what they’re talking about right now. To his credit, I doubt Peter does, either.
-OH EFF ME HE’S JUST LEAVING?!!!?!!? Without even saying hello to the family?
-There are high levels of “Main Character You’ve Loved for At Least 2.75 Movies Dies in Massive Sacrificial Act” going on with the music right now
-…Wait, what are we going to do for the next 28 minutes?
-Oh, we’re still in Virginia Beach. Oh. We’re… not done with this then.
-Why, there’s a knock at the door! Who could it be?!
-VICTORIA: I feel like I’m falling in love with you.
PETER: I’m so confused right now.
Like I said: At least he mixes it up.
-Peter “doesn’t want to make any decision right now.”
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that the Federal Aviation Administration sees fit to entrust THIS MAN AND HIS DECISION MAKING-SKILLS WITH HUNDREDS OF HUMAN LIVES A DAY
-Peter talks in loopy fashion about who he’s sending home. I would send Madison home solely on the basis of showing up in a Bedazzled jumpsuit.
-ABC has gone all-in with the Hobby Lobby lanterns and the LED flickering candles from Amazon. This is the most Pilot Wife Life accuracy I’ve seen from this show yet, at least in terms of home decor budget.
-Roses go to: Hannah Ann, Madison, and… Victoria. Wow, Peter really didn’t like that Iowa wine.
-AND they get to go to Australia.
-Oh wait, Madison and her jumpsuit want to talk to him, possibly about their propensity for making poor life decisions.
-I just texted my husband about how smart he is and how solid and how trustworthy and wholesome and STD-free
Okay. That’s it. I get to eat now. Although I’m kind of nauseated and that’s not from the stopped-up drain odor currently emanating from the shower.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.