What happened last week on The Bachelor?
There was absolutely no drama as the show pretended for about fifteen minutes that Madison wouldn’t show up to the last rose ceremony, and then she did. Then I had no clothes, and then I did.
Then everyone on the Internet freaked out that Peter got someone on the show pregnant, and then they remembered how math and human gestation works.
What happened during The Women Tell All segment?
They Told All at the same time, loudly and at once, and the entire nation deafened themselves with the nearest available bottle of hand sanitizer.
Tammy revealed what happened to all those AOL free trial CDs from the Clinton administration.
What will happen this week?
It’s Part One of the finale, and what’s going to get all of us through it is hard liquor and baby kangaroos. And then! And then, Part Two of the finale takes place tomorrow night, and perhaps we can all begin to heal.
We miss the Fantasy Suites.
So does Peter, and presumably the women, because the Fantasy Suites gave them a place to put all their Morals and Values, but presumably, the baby kangaroos don’t care.
They probably just want to grow up in a world that does not contain any more strained Boomer references to ChampagneGate.
Is marriage to a pilot just one big Fantasy Suite?
It is. Would you like to see items from the Fantasy Suite which Josh the Pilot and I occupy?
No.
Well, you’re going to because I’m low on word count.
This was how Josh the Pilot and I celebrated New Year’s Eve 2020! It’s December 28! That’s because he was working on actual New Year’s Eve, and also Christmas, and also every trash day of every week.
Here is Josh the Pilot’s stash of ManFood. His ManFood goes with him on the road.
On The Bachelor, the four main food groups are Champagne, picnic baskets the women never have to pack, artisanal desserts, and tears.
Josh The Pilot is on the road at least four days a week. Imagine eating airport food and strip mall restaurant offerings a minimum of 21 meals a week.
These suitcase staples, which sit at the foot of our marital bed before he leaves for trips, are healthy eating by pilot standards.
When you see two pilots standing next to one another at an airport gate, one is assuredly the captain, and one is the first officer, which is the junior position.
If you’re not sure which is which, the one who looks the most bloated and fresh off a Chili’s bender is usually the captain because s/he’s the one who can more easily afford the Texas-Sized Baby Back Ribs with no ding to the budget.
But even then, if your flight’s captain is younger, s/he may or may not be still crippled by student loans, which means the bloat is typically due to Day 3 of Sardines ‘n’ Chef in the crew lounge.
What else is in our Fantasy Suite? That sexy uniform, right?
One time, Josh The Pilot forgot his uniform epaulets. Not to worry — he was going to stop in Lexington, and it was simply nothing for his wife to utterly upend her entire day in Cincinnati and drive two hours to drop them off to him! So she did!
Then, as she sat in the airport clutching his &#*$^ epaulets, she got a text message alerting her that the flight had diverted to Louisville, which is another two hours away!
We pilot wives really do see the world!
Meet Seabiscuit.
I am a Master’s degree holder who still sleeps with stuffed animals when her husband is gone because her husband is gone a lot and when there’s a weird noise at 2 AM — and there’s always a weird noise at 2 AM — there’s only one person who can go check on it and that person is me.
Seabiscuit can probably take bullets and stab wounds better than I can, so he comes too.
I’m 43, by the way.
What’s just off the Fantasy Suite?
Our Fantasy Garage, with the Fantasy Lawnmower, the Fantasy Broken VCR Josh Refuses to Get Rid Of, the Fantasy Disgusting-Smelling Drain, and the Fantasy Airport Car.
People don’t drive themselves on The Bachelor. There’s no driving on The Bachelor because everyone is at least 15 percent buzzed at all times, and this season’s women would just employ cars as weapons on one another anyway.
But real pilots have to take real cars to the real airport. This is Josh the Pilot’s. The driver door handle is broken because we can’t afford to fix it.
But not to worry! We have a matching set!
There’s another door handle that snapped right off in my hand last year, but I’m not including a picture of it. I don’t like to show off.
I’ll see you for the liveblog tonight at 8. Bring your own instant rice.
The Bachelor airs at 8/7C on ABC.