Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Season 12, Episode 7, Ship-Faced, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Hello, my Housewives-lovers! It’s a lovely day in Punta Mita.
Diana Jenkins is wearing her silk pajamas to dinner again. Sutton has busted out the purple face vibrator again.
And Erika Girardi is talking about how “lit” she is …. over and over again.
Yes, in case you missed it, Erika got hopped up on Xanax and alcohol last night, and the result was not-a-pretty-mess.
So pour your Mezcals and protect your white couches (and men if you’re Crystal). And let’s recap.
Erika gets drunk on a boat
Our lovely ladies are still in Punta Mita, and what’s a girls’ trip without a little boat excursion?
Well, at least to Diana Jenkins, the boat is little. Hers are a lot bigger, you see.
That new girl is going to remind us of her wealth every dang episode, isn’t she?
But who has time for ol’ lip-licker when we have Erika getting absolutely “ship-faced”?!
Drunk Erika was quite entertaining last night. She stuffed her face with spaghetti and asked Crystal if she and Garcelle could have a threesome with Crystal’s husband, Rob.
She also asked someone to “pee on the new girl” after Diana got stung by a jellyfish.
And while Erika is still somewhat awake, the ladies play Erika’s “It’s expensive to be me” and all have a jolly ol’ time.
With the exception of Sutton:
Preach it, Sutton! If only she had said, “I hear attorney’s fees are pretty expensive.”
Meanwhile, Diana chats with Sutton and reveals that she lost a brother who died in a war.
Sutton listens and shares the story of her father’s suicide.
Oddly, though, Diana muses how “all roads lead to Sutton,” and I’m just left scratching my head!
Isn’t that what we call empathy, Diana? If it’s too big a word, maybe consult Crystal. I’m sure she can define it for you.
Is it just me, or does Diana have some weird beef with Sutton that she can’t let go of?
What’s more, Diana then comes for our Garcelle, saying that she “has been the least welcoming of the ladies.”
Ma’am. I’m sorry, but Imma gonna need you to retract that statement.
Yes, Diana’s latest social media comments had ALL of Twitter looking at her with a side-eye last night.
But enough about that, let’s check in on Erika …
OHHHHH ERIKAAAA ….
Ah, crap, you guys. She is now passed out on a white couch, spreading her body makeup everywhere and talking about Tom’s boat.
Ohhhhh, really. The “Illeagle” you say, Ms. Jayne? Why do tell us more.
Why these ladies didn’t ask Erika ALL the questions at this time of word-vomit vulnerability is beyond me.
The ladies manage to gather their friend Erika from the boat and head off to dinner, where I’m sure lots of delightful conversation will be had.
Rinna said she’s made amends with Denise Richards
Garcelle, being the messy Queen that she is, casually shares over dinner that Denise is coming to her party, and so she’s sorry Rinna won’t be able to make it!
Let the record reflect, my loves, that Garcelle has now brought up LVP and Denise Richards in back-to-back episodes.
But Rinna is all, I texted Denise a little while back and apologized, and Denise was very graceful in accepting the apology.
Hmmmmmmm ….. Do we believe this?
Garcelle’s actual messaging with Denise points otherwise.
After Dorit finishes her long-winded toast WITHOUT bringing up her robbery, we see something very interesting happening at the far end of the table ….
Why is that Sutton and Erika talking amicably together?!
They bond over the Bumble dating app and their types of men.
We learn that Sutton actually likes a Billy Bob Thornton type while Erika is very particular in that she likes ….
She doesn’t care in what color, shape or form. Just that it’s there.
Well, I think that about does it.
The ladies board Diana’s PJ, and Diana pulls a Mean Girls move, telling Sutton she can’t sit with her and that she needs to sit in the seat she had on the way in.
But does that rattle, Sutton?
She’s all, “I can get my own plane.”
And just in case we couldn’t love Garcelle more, she tells Sutton, if you send flowers thanking Diana for the plane, you can leave my name off the card.
Bravo, Bravo, Bravo, Ms. Beauvais.
And that’s a wrap. Our Diamond Award goes to both Garcelle AND Sutton this episode.
They give us effortless friendship and are the only team I want to be on right now.
Bonus points to Kyle, though, for her impression of Erika.
Until next week my Housewives!
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Bravo.