Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Season 12, Episode 4, The Crystal Conundrum, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Welcome my Housewives-lovers! I don’t even have time for the pleasantries tonight because I’ve got a whole can of dead, dark worms to deal with.
Make that “WE” have a whole can to deal with. Crystal has managed to make a four-letter word into a whole episode.
And, YES, Crystal … my finger points to you. We need you to just explain what “DARK” means already!
So drink up, buttercups. We have entered the danger zone.
But first, Erika needs to tell us how the widows and orphans might be liars. Take it away, Ms. Jayne!
Erika suggests the victims might be liars
The “ladies” have bloody mary’s and mimosas delivered to them (uh, can I have that?!) as they sit out on the lanai in their long silk robes like a bunch of Golden Girls.
They first discuss Crystal (who is having her boring coffee back at the hotel) and wonder why, how out of the blue, she brought up the whole “violating” incident from a year ago.
Being the awesome person she is, Garcelle calls Crystal and convinces her to stop by for five minutes to hash it out.
While we wait for Crystal to show up, Erika begins her soliloquy that went something like this “two months I’ve been dragged for something I didn’t do, never happened.”
But not so fast, Ms. Jayne.
Garcelle stops her right there with this: “I think one of the reasons though is that you didn’t show any compassion.” [INSERT KYLE’S SHOCK FACE #12.]
Erika doubles down and says that she wishes it didn’t happen, but she’s not even sure if they [the victims, aka widows and orphans] weren’t paid.
So just to be clear, Erika, you’re saying there’s “a chance the victims could be lying that they weren’t paid?”
Yep. Okay. Got it. As Garcelle amusingly noted in her confessional, “It also snows in Pasadena.” [God, I love this woman.]
Crystal suggests Sutton said some ‘dark’ things
Crystal finally shows up, and the ladies are “lit” after what I’ve only seen is 1/2 of a Bloody Mary consumed (weaklings).
Roughly two seconds upon arriving, Crystal is crying and struggling to explain her feelings to this drunk group of therapists.
Essentially, she feels like there was a massive campaign against her last year and that the group of ladies told her how she should feel (with the “violation” thing).
Dorit – determined to remind us of her own storyline – says, “Saying you don’t feel safe because a group of adult women don’t agree with you … ‘Sweetheart, this is a vacation compared to what I’ve just been through.'”
And to set the stage for the rest of the episode, Garcelle point-blank tells Crystal, ” I feel like no matter what Sutton said [last season], you were going to say ‘are you that girl who doesn’t see color’ – it was a set-up.”
Now, pay close attention, my loves, because what Crystal says next will be analyzed for what might be the rest of the season.
CRYSTAL: “There was a lot more said prior to that, that was very dark.” Period. End exact quote.
After the ladies give their collective looks of shock for the camera, Crystal immediately decides she won’t share what those dark things were.
Well, so much for that Crystal / Sutton friendship we were all rooting for.
Dorit brings up a good point and says, “you’re creating the worst-case scenario and then to add insult to injury, you’re not going to say what that is? That’s playing dirty!”
Sutton isn’t going to allow a ‘dark’ little comment ruin her party
Of course, the word [and I mean, literally, “THE [one singular] WORD” spreads quickly to Sutton at her Parisian-themed party.
Her French designer, who likes to design all things backward, is in town after all! And given the stress she endured with getting him through customs, Sutton will NOT allow this dark comment to ruin her fun (or her blossoming friendship with Crystal, for that matter).
“We grew out of it. Let that tree stand tall. Don’t try to cut the tree down,” Sutton tells pot-stirrer, I mean, “fixer” Kyle.
So just let the mouse go, Kyle.
But Garcelle has a more interesting point to make. She just wants to know what Sutton actually said because it might just affect their friendship (solid and amazing though it may be).
But who can focus on that when Dorit is complaining about how Sutton invited the press to her OWN event, which was apparently dense to Dorit’s situation.
What’s more, there goes Crystal off talking about how Garcelle’s comment of it being a “set up” is the equivalent to accusing someone of murder. Or something like that. Words schmirds.
I don’t think we will learn what “dark” means any time soon. Crystal’s lips are sealed.
And now she’s annoyed that the group is focusing on the word “dark” when she was the one who invited it in, dangled the dang dark carrot, but refused to clarify it.
Is your head twisted? Do we think that sometimes these ladies are just a tad too dramatic? Who is right? Who is wrong?
And for the love, where is my dang Bloody Mary delivery?! I bet Kyle’s dog stole it.
In the meantime, who wins the Diamond Award of the night? Well, isn’t it obvious?
If her imitation of Kyle stirring the pot and comment about snow in Pasadena wasn’t enough, she also had this moment:
So congrats, Garcelle! You have truly become the Queen of this show.
‘Til next week, my Housewives-lovers! In the meantime, check out our video below, capturing a few highlights from the first three episodes you might have missed!
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Bravo.