Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps Married at First Sight, New Orleans, Season 11, Episode 7, The Honeymoon is Over, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
The Honeymoon is over, MAFS-lovers, and we have now entered reality. Roommate reality, that is. It’s time for our couples to settle into the “neutral” (and I mean neutral!) Gotham Lofts and truly find out … just who is this person I married?
Thank goodness we have the cool Pastor Cal guiding us along and helping some of our couples communicate for what seems like the first time! Polite-time is over, kids. It’s time to get real. Let’s recap.
Karen & Miles – Let the silent power struggle begin!
Last week, Karen plum checked-out of her honeymoon after Miles told her he had clinical depression. This week, the fun continues as she engages in a silent power struggle with her new husband.
What do I mean by this? Well, Karen has told us about 50 times now that she wants a “masculine” man, she is concerned about Miles’s youthful age, and she wants a guy to “call her out.” Because Miles isn’t exactly giving her this dominant personality, she’s just going to have a little fun and see how she can make him her whipping-boy.
Miles, that guest room is your doghouse. Miles, you want to go swimming? (Eager Miles: “Okay!”)
Karen (likely seeing if Miles would just be agreeable): “Just kidding. I don’t want to swim. Miles, hold my clothes. Oh no, Miles, X-box, really?”
In a weak attempt to assert his dominance, Miles sits on her couch after she tells him not to.
It’s not looking pretty over at the Gotham Lofts for these two you guys. Enough of this power struggle, I say! Please Pastor Cal save us!
“What are you afraid of, Karen?” Pastor Cal asks as he begins breaking down some of Karen’s fortress.
She reiterates her fear of being hurt, and as the ice queen melts a little bit, I think to myself, vulnerability looks good on you, Karen!
Pastor Cal assures Karen that Miles has a heart the size of Louisiana, and they didn’t pick some jo-schmo off the streets for her. Only one problem: Miles, who are you?
Miles isn’t so sure. You see, he’s too much a giver and not enough a taker. And herein lies the irony: Karen wants a little bit more “taker” on her man! So stop following Karen around like an eager little puppy dog, Miles, and Karen, lighten up a little bit on the chap! Okay. Now I can breathe.
Olivia & Brett – She doesn’t have a budget!
Last week, Olivia started losing some of her spunky-come-brush-your-teeth-with-me self as her annoyance with Brett started growing.
Though they left Cancun optimistic that their communication style would see them through, their lifestyle divide reared its ugly head tonight as each toured one another’s houses.
Olivia wasn’t even trying to fake a smile as she surveyed Brett’s “bachelor pad,” deciding that this is no home for her. Likewise, Brett looked down on Olivia for “wasting her money” (i.e., renting), even if it is in the most desired part of New Orleans.
Pastor Cal?!?! Please swoop in and save the day!
Olivia is so happy that Pastor Cal has materialized in her living room, and that makes two of us, sister. We are finally about to have some real communication that, I pray, will cut through all of Brett’s BS. I mean sarcasm.
Despite Pastor Cal’s valiant efforts, I’m afraid we aren’t much further along. Brett’s financial situation is not likely to change.
Olivia’s desire to travel on her husband’s bill isn’t going anywhere (to be fair, she told the experts she wanted this in her mate) and, I think we can officially confirm what we’ve known all along: this couple was just a mismatch out the gate. At least we’ll always have Cancun, guys!
And speaking of getting down to real communication …
Henry & Christina – Maybe he’s just not that into you?
For weeks now, we have been tortured by the awkwardness of these two. Instead of any sort of communication, they’ve just been co-existing as polite strangers. And it has been so brutal, they’ve clean-sweeped me out of all my wine!
As Christina said, “I understand that he’s being respectful, but I want my husband to be my husband.” (Amen!)
Their inability to communicate was highlighted even further when Christina basically told Henry that she lives out of her car and Henry could only question this lie to the cameras – not his wife! Say what’s on your mind, man! But no. Henry will just pack up his chicken-bird, smile, and mutter.
Pastor Cal! Please enter, you little angel you.
Pastor Cal is not messing around as he asks the pointed questions, and I’m not even talking about finances, kids, or religion, guys. How about, Henry, are you even attracted to Christina? Let’s start with that. And even though Christina actually did ask this question to Henry on Day 1, which he gave a polite “yes” to, we ask, why has there been absolutely no affection … no hand-holding … NOTHING!?!
Pastor Cal: “Henry, have you moved this slow in past relationships?”
Henry: “Some have moved ‘really fast.’ It’s like a song. Sometimes you like a song right away but it burns out quick, and sometimes, songs take a while to grow.”
Horrible song metaphor aside, we are finally getting somewhere! Thanks to Pastor Cal, we have learned that Henry is capable of making a move … just not with Christina. You see, he has already “friend-zoned” his wife of nine days because she is, and I quote, too “impatient” and “high-maintenance.”
Well day-um, Henry! How does it feel to let out some real feelings?
The cool Cal is frank and points out that Christina’s inner-diva could be good for the shy Henry … but, yeah … call me crazy here, this one was doomed from the start, and I don’t think it’s Henry’s sudden realization of Christina’s “divaness.” In fact, I don’t think it’s really anything in particular at all.
Now I’m going out on a limb here, but, Christina, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Pic credit: GIPHY
Woody & Amani – You can’t just go bald!
Now we all know Woody and Amani have had no trouble in the chemistry department. And I really didn’t think they had any in the communication department either.
But leave it to that little stinker Pastor Cal to find something the couple could work on:
“Usually, when a couple has so much chemistry from the start, good feelings can gloss over the deeper issues,” he begins.
To which I scream out, “Issues?” There are no issues here, Sir Cal! But dang it if he wasn’t right.
You see, Amani learned that if she came home one day with a bald head as a surprise to Woody, Woody might lose all attraction to her.
Amani is all, my hair, my choice while Woody is all, you need to consult me first on such a drastic decision, and, I’m all, where’s my damn pinot?!
But, once Cal delves deeper, we learn that it’s not the hair that’s the problem, it’s whether Amani would do something important without talking to Woody first.
And though I’m wondering if Woody might put a little too much emphasis on how the couple looks together (might he have even coordinated this adorable black t-shirt/jeans look?), the couple comes together and all is right with the world, again. (Just don’t scare me like that again you two!)
Bennett & Amelia – I love your tiny house!
And speaking of our solid couples, Bennett and Amelia’s strengths soared tonight. As you’ll recall, the only crack we’ve seen in this relationship is Bennett’s hesitation in moving to wherever Amelia’s residency takes her. Naturally, this was the only negative thing that came out in our Pastor Cal conversation tonight.
But given the overwhelming amount of cuteness this couple had tonight, I’m not worried. Case in point: Amelia probably had the best reaction to her husband’s pad (a tiny house no less!), which Bennett recognized is usually not appreciated.
Furthermore, Amelia adored Bennett’s wacky wardrobe, his little device he makes ditties on, and the sequined hat he wanted to wear on their wedding day. Did I mention they also have no problem making music in the closet together? (Swoon!)
They are a true match made in heaven, and I’ll be damned if some random chick comes along and plants a little seed in Bennett’s ear that she doesn’t want him to move.
Yes, I’ve moved onto next week’s preview guys. Aside from this problem of Amelia and Bennett’s, we see Christina and Henry at their wits-end now that all politeness has imploded.
Our couples also hang with their friends to discuss sexual positions, money problems, and did I see Ms. Karen giving Miles a peck on the lips? Looks like it’s going to be wild! In the meantime, I’m going to go stock up on my vino. Christina and Henry, I’ll put it on your tab.
Til’ next week my MAFS-Lovers!
Married at First Sight airs on Wednesdays at 8/7c on Lifetime.
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