Monsters & Critics columnist Liz Long recaps Married at First Sight, New Orleans, Season 11, Episode 15, Pack Your Bags, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Greetings MAFS-lovers! It’s almost “D-Day” for our remaining four couples! What’s left to do?
Well, if you’re Henry and Christina, you finally have a romantic dinner date – delusional though it might be. And if you’re Amelia, you tell Bennett you will base your decision on a coin flip and consult a witch to decide your fate.
Yes, my friends. Things are getting strange in the eleventh hour.
Amelia & Bennett – Witches, haters, and wrong reasons … oh my!
I’ve got to start with Amelia and Bennett tonight because not only were their friends the most interesting of the night, but Amelia threw us a couple of curveballs, making us actually question her level of seriousness for this marriage!
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But, first, let’s discuss the friends.
Naturally, Amelia called in a witch/tarot card reader to tell her whether her future with Bennett is a dubious one.
And, though, Mimi the Witch tells Amelia the King of Cups card bodes well for her future, she is careful to instruct Amelia that …. ah crikey. The Zoom call cut out. An ominous sign of things to come? Perhaps.
Speaking of ominous, no one is more so than this dude:
Ah yes, Bennett’s hater friend. Or Debbie Downer as I’d like to call him. MAFS-lovers, meet Thaddeus.
Bennett: “Things have been super fun and easy with Amelia.”
Thaddeus: “Because nothing real has happened yet.”
And that is but one of this guy’s pessimistic one-liners of the night. As Bennett graciously noted, “you have your doubts. I get it.”
It doesn’t help that Amelia apparently had a dream about Bennett being a giant cucumber who she consumed after he whispered, “it’s me. Don’t eat me.”
The weirdness doesn’t stop there, friends. After Bennett has Amelia don a large apple crown, she drops this little bomb on him: “I mostly signed up for this experiment to be on a reality TV show. I like most people I meet. So if I got matched with a snowman, I’d probably like them.”
What is going on here, MAFS-lovers??
Amelia wondering if a snowman is her soulmate? Bennett wondering whether Amelia is in this marriage for the right reasons?! Me wondering if Amelia was serious when she said she’d leave her big decision up to a coin flip and also what different kinds of toppings are on each half of that pizza.
Yes, I’m perplexed over here, MAFS-lovers. But I remain extremely optimistic about this couple. I have to.
Amani & Woody – Grandma Yvonne gives her blessing and wisdom
The next best friend group came in the form of Woody’s grandma Yvonne and Amani’s friend Nikole.
Amani tells her sweetheart friend Nikole that her only gripe with Woody is that he doesn’t ask clarification questions and fears this could be problematic when deeper issues arise. Other than that, they have a BFF vibe going on, and love is definitely an everyday word being tossed around.
Thankfully, Woody’s lovable grandma, Yvonne, is about to drop some wisdom to clean up that little potential problem for the Randalls.
Yvonne: “Men don’t listen. Just pay attention, Woody. It’s not that hard.”
Can we just take a moment for Yvonne real quick? Not only did she provide Woody with spot-on advice, but she also has a tiki bar sign in her backyard, AND she drinks hurricanes in the daytime. Yvonne, can we be friends?
The Randalls then go on a sidewalk dinner date and Woody gets emotional over his love for Amani. Put a fork in me. I’m done. #TheRandallWay #CutestMAFSCoupleEver #WheresMyWoody
Christina & Henry – A failure to communicate
Um, guys, I’m seriously confused. It’s like two days until decision day, and Christina and Henry — who have been hanging on by not even a thread — go out to a nice restaurant now? Now?!? Also, do my eyes deceive me, or was Christina wearing tennis shoes on this date.
Christina asks Henry, “What are things you like about me?”
Twenty awkward minutes later, Henry answers: “I admire your ability to be spontaneous. Also, you write really well.”
Aaaaaaaand cue the waterworks. I’m thinking, what writing of Christina’s has Henry read? Ooooohhh. It’s that letter to her child-like self she read to him on the retreat. You know. The one where she subtly hinted that she should watch out for people like Henry.
The crying gets worse.
Now, she is shaking and wiping her tears away, and Christina — who apparently has been starving for a compliment for quite some time — feels perhaps that this is just enough for these two to salvage this marriage, which, let’s be honest, was doomed from the start.
It’s awkward, guys. Like real awkward. As Christina goes on and on about how great things seem, Henry is quietly looking at her as if she has three heads.
Not only are they on two totally different pages, but it also doesn’t help that Henry remains silent and doesn’t tell Christina anything that is really on his mind, which he tells the cameras point-blank: I don’t need any more time. It’s over.
Ugh. Just ugh you guys. You all have been driving me to consume all of my red wine, and it’s just not right.
Miles & Karen – In search of an Alpha male
Karen’s friend Felisha makes a return appearance tonight, and, once again, she hints at Karen needing an Alpha male (as if we didn’t already know this, but Miles still needs the reinforcement). In case you forgot, Felisha was the one who told Miles to treat Karen like a bad little puppy dog.
Tonight, Felisha says to Karen, “You’re both great people, but you need an Alpha male, Karen, because you don’t listen. You need him to give you that look and to be like, this is what it is.”
Karen agrees that she needs a man to just put her in her place, and she, like me, aren’t quite sure if Miles is it.
Ah, who are we kidding? He’s not.
In case you weren’t sure, let’s analyze this interaction:
With her renewed sense of what she needs in a man, Karen tells Miles over dinner and you should take note of her choice of words: “I need that masculine energy that I can submit to.”
Miles: “See that’s the piece I’m unclear on.”
Do we see what’s going on here, friends? Do we see the irony? Miles is asking Karen for instructions on how to be Alpha. I hope we see the irony.
Miles, at least the food was made with love and you got a nice full belly out of this experiment. And, okay. I know these two might decide to stay together … but I think Miles is always just going to be that nice guy. And Karen is always just going to want that bad boy. Que sera sera.
Olivia & Brett – What are you guys still doing here?
Hey guys. Brett is back and he’s still the same!
Fresh out of quarantine, he tells his friend, Anthony, very matter-of-factly that he and Olivia decided not to stay together.
Anthony, however, provides some nice little insight for us. He reveals that Brett’s non-bendable jerky attitude doesn’t exist in a vacuum with Olivia! Turns out, Anthony has had his own issues with Brett and was hoping this experiment would help Brett in the empathy department.
Alas, Brett dashes Anthony’s hopes, telling him that what he got out of this experience was knowledge of TV production and pandemics, but nothing about him as a person. And, yes, that was a direct quote.
Production, I think we could have been spared this little debriefing sesh of Brett and Olivia telling their friend their “big risk didn’t pay off.” Ah well, I guess it’s a warmup for the same humility they are about to endure on D-Day.
And speaking of D-Day, it is finally around the corner! Karen and Miles appear to be the only real question-mark (assuming you, like me, stay away from the spoilers). Of course, the previews try to make us think the Randalls will actually get a divorce, but we all know that’s not going to happen. And if it does, I quit you, MAFS. I quit you.
Til’ next week my MAFS-Lovers!
Married at First Sight airs on Wednesdays at 8/7c on Lifetime.