Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps Married at First Sight, New Orleans, Season 11, Episode 13, Home Alone, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
What happens when you put our five couples in quarantine lockdown mode, take away production, and leave them to their own devices? Answer: Madness.
We have Amelia chopping off her hair. We have Woody and Amani arguing over DMs. And we have Olivia and Brett officially calling it quits.
Woody & Amani – Who is sliding into your DMs?
You guys, it had to happen eventually. Our perfect couple, Woody and Amani, actually got into a fight tonight. Yes, I realize there was previously a tiff over Woody not liking the possibility of Amani going bald one day, but on tonight’s episode, it felt like a real fight.
As Woody explained to Pastor Cal in what might have been the funniest moment of the night: “She said you’re handsome. I know you got hos. Let me see your DMs.”
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Pastor Cal: “I know you have what?”
First, I have to point out that Amani has in her honeymoon braids this episode. So she either got new braids since the Randalls exchanged their I Love Yous, or production is messing with our sequence of events.
And, hos aside, Woody and Amani work through this DM-dilemma and come together in true Randall style.
Now, I’m not sure if Amani actually looked through Woody’s phone–that part wasn’t too clear. I just know that at the end of the day, Woody and Amani were talking babies and dogs again, agreeing and compromising that when the time is right, they will have their “Scorpio baby” and get their “Scorpio puppy” at the same time.
Amelia & Bennett – The only ones thriving in Quarantine
Before getting into the complete madness some of our couples faced, let’s go ahead and turn to our attention to the other couple that is surviving the lock-down together: Bennett and Amelia.
Actually, not only are they surviving being stuck alone with each other … they are thriving! We basically learned three things about Amelia and Bennett tonight:
- Amelia is a pretty darn good hairstylist! She chopped off her hair, and I gotta say, it looks pretty good on her!
- Bennett is falling more in love with Amelia every day and how could you not? She works at homeless shelters for crying out loud!
- Dr. Fatsi will be moving to Richmond, Virginia for her residency placement, and, what’s more … Bennett will split his time between Richmond and New Orleans!
It’s a good day at the Kirschner household. Cucumber masks all around!
Brett & Olivia – Dunzo
With the joy out of the way, let’s turn to the hard parts–Olivia and Brett being our main devastation of the night.
We’ve seen it coming since the honeymoon … but it’s time to put a fork in it. She’s done.
They actually started out okay tonight. Brett was being a good little house-husband, vacuuming and making enough quesadillas to feed 20 people. They’ve been watching a lot of movies together, and, ope! This is where we hit the tip of the iceberg:
Brett realized a new pet peeve of his: he doesn’t like Olivia being on her phone the whole time they’re trying to watch a movie together. And though I’ve always been Team Olivia, I have to say, I agree with Brett here.
Is this enough to walk out on the relationship though? Surely there had to be more ..
And, indeed, there was. They differ in viewpoints on the pandemic: Olivia “lives Covid” as a nurse practitioner and doesn’t see the issue with traveling despite stay-at-home orders, while Brett doesn’t want her to travel and “break the seal.”
They differ on physical intimacy: Brett wants it and Olivia apparently doesn’t.
They even differ on what Brett is doing at his house: Is he just transferring a few items or is he actually moving out? Answer: he’s actually moving out, and he’s taking the food in the pantry and coffee pot with him!
Throw in the fact their cats even fight, and, oh yeah, those “fundamental differences” of careers, kids, and religion (a bad pairing from the start), and it doesn’t matter if the MAFS production that was once helping them are now gone … THEY ARE DONE!
Christina & Henry – Hanging on by a thread
Onto happier news … oh, who am I kidding you guys. It’s Christina and Henry! Yet another couple losing their s**t in quarantine.
Their lockdown looks something like this: Henry goes to the grocery store twice a day. Christina takes walks from 2 pm to midnight, and when they ARE together, they practice safe social distancing on the couch. Sounds like a pair that wants to spend quality time together, huh?
Henry tells Pastor Cal: “I’ve noticed a pattern of dishonesty with Christina.” Namely, she does NOT live in the CBD, and she puts on a full face of makeup and wears a white frilly dress when going on “walks”–a 10-hour walk to be exact.
True, Christina could probably be a little more upfront with Henry, including giving him a roadmap of her needs as Dr. Pepper suggested. However, Henry has a pattern of telling his “Christina problems” to everyone but Christina!
And contrary to Henry’s assertions, the good Pastor points out that Henry IS capable of communicating his feelings loud and clear to Christina. Henry isn’t too receptive to the advice, though, and seems resigned that it’s all just a lost cause. Sorry to say, I kinda agree.
It’s time to just part ways guys. Henry, you are now free to pursue Kristin. Christina, be proud you tried. Just please, you guys:
Karen & Miles – There’s hope
I’ll end this recap with a tale of hope. A tale about Miles and Karen. They have now entered day 77 of marriage, 44 of which have been in lockdown.
And on this 77th day, Miles, a once docile people pleaser, decided to put his foot down. He told Karen, “If decision day was tomorrow, I wouldn’t stay married to you.”
Where’s the affection? Where’s the effort, he wants to know.
And this, my friends, was precisely the type of alpha behavior Karen has been wanting.
It also didn’t hurt that Dr. Pepper gave Karen a talking-to.
Dr. Pepper: We hear things, Karen. You said he had feminine traits. If I was a guy, that would freeze me up.
Karen: Yeah, but he calls me “sis” and that’s what my girlfriends call me.
Dr. Pepper: You could miss out on one of the greatest guys.
Now that Miles and Dr. P gave Karen some raw talk, Karen is willing to speak a little of Miles’s love language and give him some physical touch and words of affirmation.
Though I’m not convinced that these two will step fully out of their comfort zones to “blow the roof off” this marriage like Pastor Cal said, I’ll rest easily tonight knowing Miles might get an extra tickle on his side. And, hey, that counts for something.
Next week, the couples are released from lock-down and go on a couples retreat for fresh air and … drama! Yep, it looks like things might officially be over for Christina and Henry. I’m afraid that problems far greater than Christina’s “walks” are lurking around the corner.
Notably, as Henry hinted tonight, Christina suggests that he is not only unfaithful but gay as well. Pack your face-masks and vino, my friends! It looks like it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
Til’ next week my MAFS-Lovers!
Married at First Sight airs on Wednesdays at 8/7c on Lifetime.
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