Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps Married at First Sight, New Orleans, Season 11, Episode 11, Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
It’s always nice when an expert checks in with our couples–most of whom have been bumbling along–to say all the things we’ve been silently thinking. In tonight’s episode, our hero was Dr. Viviana Coles.
But even with the sex doctor’s help and her prescribed intimacy-building exercises, it seems as though some of our couples are just doomed to fail. Unless, of course, you’re Woody and Amani.
And because the Randalls were on cuteness overload tonight–breaking up an otherwise lackluster episode–I shall dedicate this episode to them, the couple who is showing all the others how it’s done!
Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby
As I try and get the Salt N’ Peppa song out of my head, let’s travel on over to Miles and Karen’s apartment to check in on how they’re doing in the love department. Miles, you getting any more of those forehead kisses or side tickles you like to brag about?
Miles & Karen: Some Jedi-mind trickery is afoot
With the topic of sex at issue, Dr. Viviana asks the question we’ve all been thinking: “Karen, you’re cringing over there. Why are you cringing?”
To which Karen pulls her first Jedi-mind trick of the night. You see, Karen’s “cringe” came on the heels of Dr. V implying that for Miles to feel good, Karen would have to want him sexually.
But Karen, in her Princess Leia buns, came prepared, responding that she fears talking about sex on camera because it’s not ladylike.
When Dr. V suggests that sex talk can be done through a a classy love note or text, Karen implements her back-up plan, adding that she fears that if she gives Miles a taste, it will only be a tease. In other words, she doesn’t want to ignite a fire that she can’t put out so it’s best that she stays away–like far, FAR away–so there’s no fire to put out.
Dr. Viviana LOVES this, and is all “that totally makes sense! Doesn’t that make sense, Miles?!” In fact, Dr. V is inspired to offer up an idea! “Let’s take sex off the table!”
To which Miles is all:
Sure, whatever you say Dr. Viviana …
Now I don’t know how Karen turned our MAFS sexpert into the proponent of NO sex, but she did.
Okay, okay, in all fairness, Dr. V’s “no sex before decision day” plan had some logic to it: With sex off the table, we don’t have to worry about Karen igniting a sex-fire with a kiss or a cuddle, and we can do other “sexy play things” without such worry or confusion.
But, Dr. V. If I may real quick and speak on behalf of Miles who is quickly and silently having a panic attack while putting on an agreeable front:
There are no other “cuddle times” or “sexy play things” being had! Unless you want to count tight-lipped kisses and forced affection disses in the park.
But, apparently, it’s a plan and Karen can now be “free” to “kiss Miles” all she wants. [Cut to Amani and Woody in the park with Amani asking her sweets for a kiss.]
Woody & Amani: Cute Break #1
“I just felt like I needed one,” says the smitten Mrs. Randall.
Yeah, I don’t see this happening with the Williams crew any time soon (even with sex off the table).
Amani and Woody are the only couple who actually talked about sex tonight in a happy and positive way. (For the record, Amelia and Bennett’s intimacy exercise was sweet, but, yeah … no whoopie talk, and, sorry, but that was about the extent of them tonight.)
And, mind you, the title of tonight’s episode was “Let’s Talk about Sex, Baby,” and it was “hosted” by Dr. V! So, Randalls, please go ahead and jump to the head of the class.
What’s more, they took on tonight’s challenge in the cutest way possible. Yes, they had to ask what each other’s favorite sexual positions were, but, in true Randall style, they did so with the right amount of humor and seriousness.
I won’t get into the details of what Woody and Amani’s answers were, but, I’ll say that if this was Karen in the park having to answer these questions … oh Lord. She’d be texting and passing notes like crazy per Dr. V’s suggestion. But, that’s off the table, Karen, so at ease, soldier.
In case they weren’t cute enough, Amani tells Woody, “you put the cheese and salsa on my breakfast tacos and not on yours because you know I like the cheese and the salsa. It’s the little things you do, Woody!” (Me: Swoon!)
Then he follows it up with a “dome un beso,” which is something she taught him on the honeymoon, and I’m just like double swoon!
Finally, Woody goes deep and talks about him at nine years old when his pops left, making Amani admit she’s in “strong like with her husband” and I’m like stop it. Just stop it you two. I can’t smile anymore. You’re giving me wrinkles, and I’ve had just about enough. [Cut to another couple who is giving me wrinkles, and not in a good way …]
Olivia & Brett: Stop looking at me like I’m dumb
For the amount of times I could count how the Randalls were cute, I could, likewise, count the amount of times Brett was either 1) sarcastic; or 2) condescending.
But for the sake of all of our sanities, I won’t. I’ll let Dr. V try and call him out. After Brett shoots down what Olivia is trying to say about Brett owning a house, using his go-to defense mechanism of sarcasm (“Stupid equity”), Olivia stares down the good sex doctor as if to silently convey a message to her: Hellllllllp meeeeeeee.
Dr. Viviana tries, and tells Brett through light-hearted laughter: “Now is not the time for the sarcasm.” (Oh, Dr. Viviana. If you only knew.)
And despite Dr. Viviana doing her best to play middle-man, and even with Brett having a nice moment talking about clouds breaking when Olivia smiles(!), at the end of the day, Brett is still delusional. He thinks he can do no wrong, saying things like, “I just need Olivia to meet me halfway.”
Buddy, she is trying! But it’s hard when you’re unable to pause for a moment and be real. Even if you’re “right” about everything, there’s one thing you’re woefully wrong on: the ability to see how you’re actually treating your wife. Calling her “insecure” does not an empathetic (or even semi-decent) husband make.
As Dr. Viviana said to Brett’s cat:
WOODY AND AMANI!! Paging The Randalls!!!!
Woody & Amani: Cute Break #2
No worries, Liz. We got you. We can talk about our future baby and dog.
Amani tells Woody she wants a dog, and Woody politely suggests they wait until they have a baby because he’d be happy without a dog, period. Amani, with her amazing facial expressions, is all:
“It’s going to be the same dog, whether we get it now, or get it with a baby! Now let go of my pillow or else!”
Woody: “Or else what ‘bop bop’?”
Me: OMG, Amani said “bop bop” to Miles when he called Karen a sugar-momma, and, wow, Woody DOES truly listen to his Sweets, and, yes, I’m obsessed with these two but I’m okay with that. Thanks, you two, for that much-needed dose of fun.
Henry & Christina: Who needs confidence
Last week, Christina and Henry made slight progress toward understanding each other. This week, that all was blown to smithereens.
First, we had Christina saying her dealbreaker is confidence right after Henry admitted he has a hard time being confident. Then, we had Henry telling Christina that perhaps he is just “wired that way” and doesn’t care to really grow with her in the confidence-arena.
The most interesting part about them tonight was not their interaction with each other or Dr. Viviana for that matter (okay, minus the moment Dr. V had Henry rest his hand on Christina’s knee), but it was when Henry and Bennett sat down for a beer and chatted like two oddly-matched bros.
Henry shares with Bennett that he felt hurt when Christina said confidence was a deal-breaker, which, of course, is something he could have told Christina. (He’s two-for-two with this antic, now.)
But Bennett turned out to be a wise little mentor, telling Henry “Society defines confidence as I’m a tough dude with no self-doubt. But could it be that confidence also means the ability to self-reflect” like poor ol’ Henry has done? Bravo, Bennett. Now, Henry, write that down. Run to Christina, and tell her what Bennett just said.
Despite having the perfect set-up with Christina, again, telling Henry “it’s like a confidence thing” that’s causing her issues, Henry fails to explain Bennett’s definition of confidence. Instead, he tells Christina he doesn’t care to work on his confidence. Christina doesn’t understand why Henry is okay with this, and, I’m left just feeling sad.
Woody and Amani? You guys got anything left?
Of course, we do, Liz.
Woody & Amani: Cute Break #3
“Dance for your partner,” the card says.
And not only does Woody do a great little dance for his Wifey, but Wifey joins in on the fun.
To put me just at my limit, Woody tells Amani the way he would like her to initiate intimacy is through a kiss, which he demonstrates to her joy. In turn, Amani shows Woody how she wants to be kissed on her lips.
Just like that.
Aaaaaand scene. Bless you Randalls. Bless you.
Next week, our couples celebrate their one-month anniversaries. The same ones struggle. The same ones soar. Biggest moment: Bennett tells Amelia he loves her! Til’ next week my MAFS-Lovers!
Married at First Sight airs on Wednesdays at 8/7c on Lifetime.