Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps Married at First Sight, Season 12, Episode 13, Unanswered Questions, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Well, MAFS-Lovers, there was a whole lot of delusion tonight. With only 18 days or so until Decision Day, you would think we’d be in a better place. However, we have Clara and Ryan saying their sexless marriage is a 10 out of 10 … Virginia thinking she can’t go a weekend without partying … and Paige wanting to ask an “extraordinary narcissist” a few last questions.
Dr. Pepper?!?! Pastor Cal?!?! Where you guys at. Give all the wise advice you can muster … but, at the end of the day, it doesn’t feel like these kids are gonna get it.
Clara & Ryan – A 10 out of 10 my a**
So Dr. Pepper visited with Ryan, and Pastor Cal chatted with Clara. Now, we know Clara hasn’t had it in her to tell Ryan to his face she’s over-the-top frustrated with him, but why she’s trying to pull the wool over Pastor Cal’s eyes is beyond me.
Luckily, neither Pepper nor Cal are buying either of Clara or Ryan’s B.S. after they both rated the marriage a 10 out of 10.
The best part of the night (for me) was watching “Interview Ryan’s” face completely drop the moment Pepper point-blank said, “So you’re not having intercourse, right?”
That look right there is not knowing what to do the moment your “sures” and perfect answers have failed you. Nicely done, Dr. Pepper. Nicely done.
Ryan and Clara go home to debrief on what they talked about with the experts, but not a whole lot of progress was made other than Ryan realizing that maybe Dr. Pepper is onto him and his imperfections.
Paige and Dr. Pepper – Chris is an “extraordinary narcissist”
Dr. Pepper’s hits didn’t stop with Ryan. Giving it the ol’ 1-2 punch, she straight up tells Paige in their one-on-one chat that Chris is an “extraordinary narcissist.” Paige giggled at the expert’s directness, but, Paige, this directness is what you need right now, my friend.
They have let you go on for far too long now, so it’s about time Pepper got in here to try and right some of these wrongs. PLEASE. Listen.
Yet after listening to Dr. Pepper calling Chris a narcissist not once but twice, Paige responds with, “That’s why I really want to see him on Decision Day … to ask him why did you sign up for this if you are just ready to leave after a week.”
Soooooo … Paige, are you saying you still want him to give this a chance? You still need answers? Please. Google “narcissist.” You’ll understand why these efforts are futile. (Cute new look, though, by the way.)
Erik & Virginia – No babies, no alcohol, no compromise
Words of wisdom were also bestowed upon Erik and Virginia tonight … but I’m not quite sure how good it did.
It’s as if the couples had some ah-ha moments when they were with the experts … got their little homework assignments … and by the time they came back to share the advice with their partners … they messed it all up.
Take, for example, Virginia’s homework assignment. She was to tell Erik that she is scared she will be a bad mom and that the thing most important to her is loyalty. And, while she did tell Erik her mommy fears (to which Erik had a good moment, telling her she’d be a great mom) … they messed that progress up the moment they start negotiating weekends and their time together.
Virginia is willing to take time from her busy friends’ schedule to hang out with her husband for a weekend, but she’s not willing to do it spontaneously. In other words, Erik’s random pilot schedule might require Virginia to cancel plans with her friends, which Virginia is not willing to do.
And you can bet your britches she ain’t giving up any alcohol when they need to have serious conversations. (And don’t think Erik is off the hook here. His delivery is way off, plus he’s so quick to snap, and so help me Lord, we hear him yet again next week saying “I’m done.”)
Bri & Vince – We could budget …
You’d think Bri and Vince would help us out here. But no …. Bri wants to spend .. and hold on, because this can’t be right … but, yes, my notes do say $9000 freaking dollars a month on clothes that must be made out of gold or something.
Oh, Vinny, I’m gonna go with you on this one, but please don’t get all up in your feelings again … and, oh no. Vinny’s getting all up in his feelings again.
I do believe we have an Olivia / Brett situation on our hands, folks. Bri/Olivia has the better job and makes more than Vinny/Brett … and Vinny/Brett are going to mask their pride by talking about how one should budget and how, really, there’s just no sense in going out.
I won’t rant about how a budget is you just telling your money what to do (fancy dinners or Big Macs), but, I see money being a HUGE point of contention for Vinny and Bri. In case you forgot, Vinny is our “legacy builder,” and I have a feeling he is going to become a wounded bird every time he can’t afford the things Bri is used to buying for herself.
These two are cute and all, but they don’t quite air out all of their feelings — with both fearing they will hurt the others’ feelings. And that’s gonna be real problematic.
Throw in the fact that Bri is also scared to have kids (because she has high blood pressure), and our “Legacy Builder” is sweating bullets over here.
D-Day is fast-approaching and he can’t be on his deathbed with no kids!
Oh what to do what to do.
And in case you’re wondering where ol’ Chrissy Poo is … well, it’s only fitting that he falls at the end of my recap.
Pastor Cal waits on Chris
So you ready for this? The “ENC” (aka, Extraordinary Narcissist Chris) was 45 minutes late to meet Pastor Cal … he then told Pastor Cal they did him wrong because they chose someone with an “ugly face” for him … out of all the “Black and White Queens in Atlanta” … he THEN told Pastor Cal he doesn’t owe Paige any apologies because, hey, he at least invited Paige to go Benz shopping with him for Mercedes’ car … and do I need to go on?
It’s right about now, my own blood pressure is boiling over. Three weeks til’ Decision Day you say? That might be three weeks too long.
Bring me back my Season 11 days, Lifetime. I’ll wait.
(Oh, and in case you’re wondering about Haley and Jake … I seriously forgot about them tonight if that tells you anything. Basically, Haley has a huge guard up, she is dying for anyone to get her off the hook from this marriage, but Dr. Pepper assures her there’s still time (not what Haley was wanting to hear). Nonetheless, and as per usual, she agrees to keep “trying” at this thing with Jake because both are basically just tired of being single so they’re going to take their incompatible spouse as a last resort.)
Til’ next week, friends. Who is buying the case of wine? We’re gonna need it. (Oh, and if you like the Tweets I sometimes incorporate in my recaps, head on over to our Instagram page where I do weekly Twitter MAFS roundups!)
Married at First Sight airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Lifetime.