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Recap: WEtv’s “Marriage Boot Camp” The Party Is Over Edition

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WEtv’s “Marriage Boot Camp” is back and this time I just can’t resist blogging it. If the first episode was any indication, I’m not going to be disappointed by the crazy-factor this season (really, somebody let Heidi and Spencer back on American television?).

Heidi Montag (I know, it’s hard to recognize her because of all the plastic surgery) wants to have a baby with Spencer. Spencer isn’t ready (and probably never will be as it would result in him having to be less of a selfish asshole). They’re on the show to figure this out. And to get their faces back on American television screens. They may have been “hot” in Europe but American television viewers are still laughing at them. And we all think Spencer is a loser and Heidi’s not real bright.

First episode of “Marriage Boot Camp” did nothing to disabuse me of those notions. She’s already stomped out once and he’s gotten in Jim’s face. They think the world owes them something. Their “us against the world” attitude that earned them such fame back on “The Hills” has turned out to be unhealthy in so many ways.

After years in the public eye and multiple seasons on multiple shows and commanding serious money for public appearances, they’re both back home living with Spencer’s parents, and unemployed. I’m not impressed. For the first time in his life, Spencer is right about something. “Speidi” is NOT ready to have children. Both of them need to grow up a little first.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say I also had preconceived notions about the lovely Dreschers. It’s no secret (cuz I blogged “Real Housewives of New York”) that I think Aviva is a crazy bitch and that Reid should actually run for his life.

“I’ve thrown legs, temper tantrums, but deep deep deep deep down, I’m a good person,” Aviva tells us. Bahaha! Not. Who brings a note from their doctor to their friends to get out of going on vacation with them? No, seriously, she did that.

“Social media has affected our relationship,” Reid explains. That’s a gentle way to phrase it considering the bad media these two have gotten – much of it in print.

“And I really want a fifth baby and Reid does not. And I don’t understand why,” Aviva whines. Maybe because you’re nuts, Aviva. You CLAIM to have so many random health and mental issues, you really don’t need more kids. Four is enough to put through therapy and college.

“I think it’s time to iron out those issues now, here at Marriage Boot Camp,” Reid explains. Or at least get more proof for your divorce paperwork of why you shouldn’t have to financially support this woman forever. I wonder if her pervert father will make a cameo.

Knowing I’m predisposed to think of Aviva as a manipulative little friend grabber, I’ll try to be fair. But she was already trying to buddy up with Rachel at the bar before anything even got started.

Rachel and Tyson are from the TV show “Survivor” and I’d never heard of either one of them, although he apparently won one season. She, however, is famous for creating those cool fabric bands that cover between your shirt and pants when showing skin is not appropriate. Trust me, I’ve given her product as gifts for both employees and friends who needed them. They’re a necessity in a world where low-riding pants and short shirts are simultaneously popular.

They’ve been together more than six years but Tyson won’t marry Rachel and she’s almost done with him. I don’t know why she’s stayed this long – she’s got her own life and certainly doesn’t need him. Must be love.

“With Tyson, everything is just fun and games. And if we’re not married in a year, I’m gonna have some problems,” Rachel says.

“One of the benefits of being on ‘Survivor’ as opposed to ‘Marriage Boot Camp’ is that when somebody gets annoying, you just vote them out,” Tyson jokes. But is he joking? I think he’d like to extinguish Aviva’s torch already.

“Everybody wants a ring on their finger and a white dress,” Aviva tells him, agreeing with Rachel.

Unlike the last “Reality Stars” season, four of the couples are actually married. That makes me happy. Of course, I have a strong belief that if you need marriage counseling before the wedding, you probably should not be getting married.

Syleena and Kiwane are legit stars in their own right. She’s a Grammy-nominated singer and on the show “R&B Divas” and he’s a former NBA player who retired before his wife was ready for him to do that. He runs a non-profit now. Their love life needs an injection of something from Boot Camp or they’re nothing but roommates anymore.

“Our marriage used to be real cool… now we’re roommates. Roommates who sneak in each other’s bed at night,” Syleena says.

“True,” Kiwane agrees. I’m going out on a limb here and calling these two the most “normal” ones so far on the show. Something about them (and I admit I’ve never seen her TV show) makes me instinctively like them.

Natalie and Jacob are going to be the opinionated big mouths this season (at least she is – I’m not sure he’s actually allowed to talk unless he’s echoing what she’s saying). I had no idea who she was but apparently she’s from “Bad Girls Club” and was also a “Bridezilla.” That’s a ringing endorsement of her character, don’t you think? I already feel sorry for Jacob.

He seems nice. He plays arena football but probably spends half his life being embarrassed by his wife’s behavior. Seems Natalie is wayyy too in love with her own ass and is constantly posting risqué pictures of herself on social media. And he doesn’t like it and she doesn’t care.

They were actually the first couple to arrive at the mansion and Boot Camp Directors Jim and Elizabeth Carroll watched them walk around and explore.

Natalie is giving instructions to Jacob and what he can and cannot do. She’s pretty obnoxious. Jacob must have a hell of a six-pack because he’s forbidden to take his shirt off. Or he’s all marked up from her claws.

“I choose not to walk around with my shirt off because I’m married,” Jacob says.

“No, Jacob knows not to take his shirt off cuz his wife is fucking crazy and if a bitch even remotely looks his way, I’m gonna snatch the bitch up. There ya go,” Natalie argues. All class.

“Let’s go greet our other couples and act like we have some damned sense while we’re here,” Natalie instructs him. Anybody wanna put money on that one? No way can she fake having any sense for that long. All her husband wants her to do to save their marriage is stop posting her butt all over the Internet.

Just seeing the lovely mansion they’ll be staying in, Natalie reveals her motivations.

“It just reminds me why I wanna keep on posting my ass on Instagram and make this money,” she says.

Here’s the thing – if Natalie really thinks those ass-selfies are what will keep her relevant and make her famous, she’s going to be sadly disappointed in the long term. Oh, and she’s got a HUGE ego to go with her famous ass. She’s flat-out insulted that Syleena has never seen the “Bad Girls Club.”

All that tells me is that Syleena has good taste in what she watches. I barely made it through one season of watching trashy girls try to beat each other up. And do you really think a woman with a resume like Syleena (plus kids) has time for trash television? Just saying.

“Bitch, Syleena, you know who I am!” Natalie rants. “Bitch One and Bitch Two going at it – it’s going to be a bitch fight,” she predicts.

Um, Natalie, this isn’t “Bad Girls Club” and you don’t get to beat the crap out of the other girls to get them to leave the mansion. I hope Jim and Elizabeth explain those rules to her before she hurts somebody.

I’m going to give her the prize for funniest one-liners in interview though – she’s got some zingers. But as far as her ass goes, Natalie is no Kim Kardashian. And she never will be.

They all seem to have opinions about each other that should make watching them interact rather interesting.

“When Tyson and Rachel walked in, I thought it was two girls. He looks like a girl to me,” Syleena says. I agree. An ugly girl, but a girl. Rachel could do A LOT better.

“I knew exactly who Aviva was – I’ve seen the messy-ass Housewives. They’re like 40-year-old bad girls still trying to hold onto a leg and be bad,” Natalie laughs. “I personally think Aviva’s fake.”

“Natalie is bat-shit crazy,” Aviva says. “She makes her living from beating up other women on television.” Yes, yes she does, Aviva. I’d keep your leg on or she might beat you with it. I’d watch that. So would all the real “Real Housewives of New York.”

So once they all arrive, a butler leads them into a cocktail party and makes them feel spoiled.

“I’m all about that free food,” Spencer says. “This is gonna be awesome to have a butler for two weeks.” His mom ordered him to be nice, apparently. But he’s joking that mom’s not there to watch.

But just as Speidi is deciding this is going to be a vacation, Jim and Elizabeth Carroll make their entrance and bring a reality check along with them. She tells them “the party is over.”

“This is the last time you’ll be waited on or catered to. From here on out, you guys are on your own. You’ll be doing all the work yourselves,” Elizabeth explains.

“The police came in the building and shut it down – the party is over,” Natalie jokes.

Spencer thinks they turned the energy into a living nightmare. He really doesn’t get why he’s there – he thought it was his re-introduction to U.S.-based reality television. So did Heidi. Why are there program director ruining his party?

“It’s important that the couples know exactly what’s going to be expected of them and how tough this journey is going to be at the boot camp,” Jim says.

As per usual, Jim and Elizabeth go couple by couple to discuss each’s issues and why they’re there. But we never saw anybody except Speidi because they flipped out after they were first. Jim asks him what he wants.

“It’s not what I want – it’s what I don’t want. And Heidi wants to have kids like yesterday,” Spencer says.

“I know how you play people and how you’re good at faking your way through shows and everything and I want to make sure that we get Spencer on here…” Jim confronts him right at the beginning. Spencer and Heidi are quite literally famous for taking the word “reality” out of the reality shows they’ve been on. They’re constantly accused of staging things.

“I’ve never been fake. That’s why you have this attitude toward me already because I’m so real that it comes off on TV like I’m a jerk or I’m arrogant or I fake it or whatever,” Spencer argues.

Heidi tries to say it’s “unfair” to judge them based on their prior reality shows. But if they weren’t faking, why would judging them be unfair? I’m confused.

Heidi starts to cry and walk out.

“I think that they’re here like they’re on every other show, for a check,” Natalie says. Yep, but even more to get themselves back on TV in the states. That’s what it’s really about.

Watching Heidi is weird, she doesn’t look like her anymore. At least 12 plastic surgeries in the past six years have made her more like Michael Jackson than the pretty young lady we first met on “The Hills.” I hope she’s bright enough to know how it worked out for MJ.

Probably not. She wants an apology from Jim and Elizabeth. Bahaha! How about you owe EVERYBODY an apology for walking out?

“You don’t even know me. You’ve known me for less than 24 hours… Shut your mouth Jim,” Spencer says. Oh Spencer, I cannot wait to see Jim take you down a peg – or five.

Heidi tells off Elizabeth as soon as they go back in.

“I think it was rude. I think it was insensitive. I think you should just tone it down a little bit. I wanna like you. And I want help. But that’s makes me not want to listen to you or have help from you,” Heidi whines.

“This isn’t therapy. This is Boot Camp,” Jim tells them.

“Heidi and Spencer have a very us-versus-the-world mentality and it will be very interesting to see if they paint us as the enemy to avoid facing their own harsh realities,” Elizabeth says in interview.

“Marriage counseling has an 80 percent failure rate. Marriage Boot Camp has an 80 percent success rate,” Elizabeth says. It’s true. Their program existed long before it ever became a television show.

In a totally unexpected twist (for the viewers as well as the participants), the famous Boot Camp lie detector was given first, even before they saw their rooms.

“If a couple won’t be honest here, how will they be honest with their partners and their relationships?” Elizabeth asks.

“We’re establishing a baseline so we’ll be better able to help them,” Jim explains.

The tests are given with everyone watching and results announced in real time, except for the gamechanger question – something serious that could determine what happens to the marriage. Those results get locked in boxes and revealed toward the end of “Marriage Boot Camp.”

I’m going to keep this part brief. Natalie lies about hiding things from Jacob and trying to get stuff for free based on her fame. Gamechanging question is: would you give up your career for Jacob? She says yes.

Jacob lies about trusting Natalie but admits he’s thought of leaving her. Gamechanger is will he leave Natalie if she keeps doing reality TV – he says no.

Aviva lies about not liking being famous and argues with the test administrator. Gamechanger question is whether she’s going to force the issue of having another child.

Reid lies about being attracted to other women in the house. Gamechanger question is will he leave her if she does another reality show. He says no, but for our sakes, I wish he’d said yes.

“She seems sneaky,” Syleena says about Aviva.

Syleena admits she’s mad Kiwane retired early. Kiwane admits that he thinks Syleena is selfish. Gamechanger – If Syleena doesn’t give up her career, will he leave her? He says no.

Tyson tells the truth about planning to marry Rachel eventually. Gamechanger – does he still want to be single in five years? He says no.

Rachel admits she hopes Boot Camp will push Tyson to marry her, but says having a wedding is not more important than staying with Tyson.

As usual, Heidi has to be the weird, attention-getting one. She’s all freaked they’re going to touch her face when they’re putting the lie detector sensors on her. Lots of jokes from castmates about that… I just think she saw too many pictures of Michael Jackson’s face collapsing.

Heidi has never farted on an airplane or picked her nose, according to the results of her lie detector.

“If she can pass those questions with flying colors, she’s a liar – A class,” Natalie laughs.

Heidi doesn’t regret getting married and says she would stay with Spencer even if he didn’t agree to have kids.

Spencer didn’t get married for a television stunt. And he’s not committed to give 100 percent to the boot camp. Interesting. Wonder how the directors and other couples feel about that. Gamechanger: Heidi asks if he wants to have children with her and he says yes.

“If lying is a default setting, we have a lot of work to do,” Jim says about this group of campers.

After the lie detector, they all go upstairs to find their bedrooms. It’s honestly not quite as dramatic as past seasons but it still messes with most of their heads.

Speidi got a baby room. Tyson and Rachel’s looks like a very tidy wedding planner’s office. Aviva and Reid face off with their tabloid selves – and she’s denying it’s real and he’s looking at her like “do we live on the same planet?”

Natalie’s ass is all over their room. On the walls, on the shelves, etc. Syleena and Kiwane’s room is split in half – one side for “roommates.” Ouch.

Before leaving for the night, Elizabeth and Jim go talk to Speidi to “address the tension” that was so evident downstairs.

“You stepped toward my husband in an aggressive way,” Heidi says. Oh for God’s sake.

“Heidi and Spencer must learn quickly that projecting their anger onto us will not make their problems go away,” Elizabeth says. She’s right. Those two blond brats are the most obnoxious people in that house. I sorta wish they’d just quit and go home, but they need the money too bad for that.

Teasers for next week look like divorce court… that oughta be interesting.

I’m pleased to say that I’ve been reassured there will be no domestic violence incidents (at least none that go unpunished) like there have been on previous seasons of this show. But that doesn’t mean that nobody will get the smackdown. I’m just guessing it’s more likely to involve the women going at each other at this rate.

Heidi will be screaming “don’t touch my face” the whole time. Can’t wait.


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