Recap: The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Amber Alert

Amber and Jim Marchese, who live in Colts Neck, New Jersey
Amber and Jim Marchese, who live in Colts Neck, New Jersey

What the hell was that? I just sat through the biggest waste of time watching “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” on Bravo. The whole episode could have been condensed into 10 minutes and been far more interesting. They should have done a barf-bag insert in “People Magazine” this week like the scratch&sniff one they did for Honey Boo.

Just gonna say it – NOBODY wants to see Rino wearing any kind of animal on his man-parts, and we don’t need to see his wife getting educated about his “prostrate.” No, seriously. That’s what she called it.

Even more, we don’t need to attend Rino’s colonoscopy after we watched him prepping for it (translation: s**tting his brains out uncontrollably) while making and serving dinner to a table full of guests in his home. I mean, seriously. Who invites ANYONE over during a colonoscopy prep? Who wants to eat what he’s making? E. coli anyone?

They won’t even leave the poor guy alone, sending people to knock on the bathroom door and check on him in his misery. I just can’t. Seriously. And they were eating. Pass me the barf bag. Enough said. Glad the procedure went well. You could have just given us the report. Or skipped even that.

Amber is a tough one this week because I’m torn by feeling a little sorry for her anxiety about her five-year breast cancer check and wanting to reach into the television set and grab her by the hair and slam her head on the nearest church pew for that ridiculously rude, PRYING phone call she made to Teresa. Why Tre even answers her calls is a mystery – she never sounds happy to hear from Amber. But this time, Amber finally takes it too far.

“She’s going through a dark time, just like I went through a very dark, dark time five years ago,” Amber finds a way to tie cancer to the Guidice’s legal problems yet again. Is anybody keeping score on this?

“I think Amber means well. But as you get older you learn boundaries and you know when to stop,” Teresa attempts to be diplomatic in interview. But on the phone, she’s getting pissed. Good thing there was a punching bag in the gym for after the call.

She tells Amber to mind her own business really nicely, but Amber just can’t stop. She keeps pushing and pushing and re-asking the question different ways until Tre has had enough.

“Listen, don’t ask questions. If I want to tell you, I’ll tell you,” Tre shuts Amber down.

“This reminds me of a friend I used to have,” she means Jacqueline Laurita hammering her with questions about what was going on in the prior season.

Surprise Surprise! Teresa will not be joining the whole crew in Florida for the trip Melissa and Dina planned for her. Dina goes over to hang out at Tre’s house and gets more than she was expecting.

“I thought I was going to Florida… I just wanna be home with the girls,” Tre tells Dina. I wonder if that’s true or if she couldn’t get permission to leave the state. Inquiring minds want to know.

“I’d never get mad. I’m just going to miss you,” Dina is bummed. “I’m going away with all these lunatics by myself.” True life, it sounds like the trip from hell.

Joe Gorga agrees when Melissa tells him they’re going on vacation with everybody including the Marcheses. He is not excited to hear about this trip with everybody.

“She’s nice and her husband’s going to go?” Joe is incredulous about the conversation. “There’s nothing like a vacation to bond.” He’s not being serious. He’s looking at Melissa like she’s on crack. I’ll cosign his opinion on this one 100 percent.

But that’s not all Tre tells Dina when they hang out. She drops the Victoria Gotti bombshell about Rino sleeping with the twins’ mother right in her lap too.

“The one reason was that he said he went with Teresa’s mom,” Teresa explains why Rino and twin Teresa got divorced years ago.

“What did he mean by WENT with her?” Dina asks. Oh, she gets it. She tells Teresa he must have been joking.

“I’m sorry, who jokes like that?” Tre believes the story. What motive did Victoria have for making it up?

“I just think it’s ridiculous. I was just with them. The mother is sweet,” Dina rants in interview.

“I got so much s**t going on that that’s the last thing I want to be tied into,” Tre tells Dina that she’s not planning to share the gossip with the rest of the girls. However, she doesn’t trust Amber not to make up her own version of the gossip and share it with everybody on the Florida trip when Tre isn’t there to defend her own role in it. Smart lady.

“I told you because it’s a way for us to kinda see if Amber says the story any differently than I told you. And if she does, then she’s one shady bitch. I’m just sayin,” Tre tells Dina. OMG that is hilarious! I love Tre setting up Amber to get busted.

Meanwhile, Amber’s doctor tells her some test results were inconclusive and she needs to come back in. She flips. It’s justifiable. It’s hard though because she’s made herself so completely unlikeable. I’m sure she must be terrified and I really hope it’s nothing, but it’s the way that she gets crazy dramatic – much the same way she reacted to the news of Teresa and Joe’s plea agreement – that makes viewers feel less sympathy than we feel like we should.

“I don’t think someone who has been diagnosed with cancer can ever be the same… On the daily, I’m okay. But during these tests, it’s constantly on my mind. It’s paralyzing,” Amber says. That’s awful. But I’m a little confused as to why she’s texting the twins that she can’t go to Florida because of test results she didn’t like – they were “inconclusive.” We hope the conclusion is that nothing is wrong. But she’s gotta get it out there ASAP for the sympathy factor. Besides, we know from the teasers that she does, in fact, go to Florida.

I want to say “Oh, poor thing,” but instead I find myself thinking, “Okay, let’s wait and see what the doctor says before we completely melt down.” Judgmental and unfair – I’ll call myself on it. But she hasn’t made herself a sympathetic character. If it turns out that something is wrong, then I’ll feel badly for her. Right now, I just wish they’d show less of her.

Entirely too much time devoted to Amber tonight. Only thing as bad was the extremely long farewell to Dina’s assistant. #awkward

Joe Gorga calls himself the “Michelangelo of New Jersey” for designing a 9,000 square foot home that he tells Melissa they’ll only live in for a year and a half before they upsize. I thought they were having financial problems? Something isn’t adding up.

The pool alone costs $250K and has a swim-up bar and a grotto in it. Even Melissa seems a little embarrassed. Construction expenses will be at LEAST $3.8 million. Clearly, I’m in the wrong business. Maybe they made all that money on Melissa’s songs? Bahahaha. Guess not.

Let’s hope next week includes the Miami trip but it looks like it’s going to be more of Amber’s medical concerns. Just for the record, I NEVER need to see Rino in any form of lingerie ever again.

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