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Recap: Real Housewives of New York, The Countess in a Porta Potty Edition

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Why is BravoTV punishing us with three entire weeks of “Real Housewives of New York” bitching at each other on a dude ranch in Montana? Seriously. I didn’t rush to blog about Tuesday’s episode because it was just more of the same.

Heather being bossy. Kristen being whiny. Ramona complaining. Sonja sexually harassing the staff. Carole playing both sides of the friendship fence. And LuAnn acting appropriate. Snore.

When it ended last week, Kristen and Heather had just had their fight in the woods because Kristen was really into geocaching and the rest of the women were either drunk or bored. Interestingly, Ramona was bored and Heather was drunk. That’s a switch, huh?

Kristen went back to her cabin and cried. The other ladies went back to the other cabin to sit around and insult Kristen.

“She really just isn’t a hostess,” Sonja says, and Carole reminds Sonja that she said the same thing about her last year on their trip to St. Bart’s that Carole planned.

STOP RIGHT THERE! This is the same Sonja-WANNA-BE-event planner that had dogs licking off her serving table at a tea for her friends before they arrived. She served them that food. I’d make a glass houses comment here but Sonja won’t have any kind of house soon so it’s unnecessary.

The women are in fab shape for mid-afternoon. Ramona’s so shitfaced she’s falling off and around the furniture. Heather’s barely making sense. Sonja just flat passes out. But she does that a lot.

Carole goes over to check on Kristen. I cannot figure out whether she is a peacemaker or just a two-faced bitch, to be honest. I really wonder what all the ladies think about Carole’s loyalty and friendship when this season ends. They’re filming another one – I guess we’ll have to see if they’re all dumb enough to assume she has their backs then.

“It’s rough on the person who is organizing the trip,” Carole tell Kristen soothingly and encourages a break and rest before their next activity.

“I’ve been so beat down,” Kristen whines.

kristen

“They get mad and they walk away in a huff and puff – Ramona does it all the time – and as quick as they do that it’s as quick as they love you again and it’s all fine and it’s all fun,” Carole explains to her. I’m sorry, but does anybody else find that completely warped? That’s certainly not how “normal” friendships are conducted, but then again, these ladies are paid to spend time together.

“Glamping” – glamorous camping – is an unusual choice of activity for this crew who was bitching about the beautiful dude ranch not being upscale or posh enough for them. I just shook my head. I’m guessing this was a huge promotional swap with the network that the lovely venue was really regretting about half way in. No amount of free publicity could be worth what these women are putting them through. Regular guests don’t spend half their time demanding a butler at a dude ranch. Even rich ones.

Sonja has no interest in “glamping.”

“I’m not going to go,” Sonja tells Ramona. “I’m geoCRASHing – tell them I have asthma.” That was funny.

“No seriously, I don’t want to get Kristen pissed off again,” Ramona starts packing for Sonja. Can that woman do anything for herself?

“Let’s glamp – I need a change of scenery,” Heather’s into it, but she’s also been drinking beer, wine and tequila all day and she is sloppy drunk.

They get out to the off-site restaurant (this retreat is huge and has a million different activities, btw) near the “glamping” tents and the bitching begins immediately.

“Do you have glassware on stems?” Ramona asks for her fruity cocktail in a wine glass. Obviously, the staff hasn’t been warned not to give her things to throw.

For Sonja, the night is yet another opportunity to sexually harass the staff. Meanwhile, there’s a quiet “bitchfest” going on between Heather and Kristen.

“Heather’s antagonizing me… I’ve not seen that side of Heather before,” Kristen complains.

“If anyone was bossy today it was you,” Heather says to Kristen. Um Heather, go back and watch that scene again. You were a drunk bitch to your friend and she was right, you were trying to get the other girls on your side to pick on her. Heather doesn’t look very attractive as the #MeanGirl, but she wears it a little too well. That said, if they’ve been friends so long, Kristen should have known better.

Ramona attacks Kristen for being a lousy hostess. I’m baffled by this. If she means that Kristen hasn’t been rude, pushy and demanding to the staff, she’s probably right. That doesn’t make her a bad hostess – it makes her a polite human being. Ramona’s definition of a “good hostess” requires keeping a wine glass full in her hand at all times without her having to ask.

“In all fairness, I’ve been doing most of the work for you,” Ramona tells Kristen. “You didn’t do anything for the trip.”

“Ramona is acting like a diva brat… it’s not fair,” LuAnn says.

“Don’t say you’re the hostess – I’m the hostess of your trip so you should thank me!” Ramona rants at Kristen.

“You know what, she can go fuck herself!” Kristen says in interview, but not to Ramona’s face. I don’t think she wanted face offs with Ramona and Heather in the same night. Good call.

Heather’s so drunk she got lost between the tent and the dining room, and snarky remarks are made all around.

As soon as they sit down to dinner, all hell breaks loose. LuAnn and Sonja are sniping at each other but apparently that’s okay.

“She’s like my wicked stepsister,” LuAnn explains.

Heather is determined to humiliate Kristen. Instead, she just shows a bit of the ghetto still in her by wobbling her way up to stand on a chair and proclaim, “My name is Heather and I am bossy… from now on I’m ‘bossy bitch’… I am now boss woman number one.” Yes, you were the biggest bitch that night, Heather, but that’s about it.

“You’re bossy at work. You’re the boss at home… just friggin own it,” Kristen says to her. In this case, she has the sober advantage.

Heather doesn’t like hearing that she bosses her husband around. “I won’t let you say it,” she says to Kristen.

“I just did,” Kristen looks her right in the eye. And Heather turns mean – you actually see her eyes change.

“I don’t know who, what or where you’re going but I suggest you stop really fast,” Heather threatens. Or what Heather? You’re going to fall on your drunk face trying to catch Kristen and beat her up? I’m disappointed that a woman with a business reputation to maintain is behaving this way on camera. Her investors should be mortified. She’s giving women all over America a reason to buy Spanx instead of her brand. I wonder how that lawsuit is going.

Why does Ramona follow Kristen when she excuses herself and leaves? Ramona was just attacking Kristen in front of all of them for being such a lousy hostess.

“Ramona keeps calling herself the hostess so it’s up to her to bring her back” LuAnn jokes.

Ramona sits and chats with Kristen – gotta get all the juicy details to take back to the table, right?

“I’m shocked that Ramona is being nice to me. I mean she’s actually on my side,” Kristen says. Oh Kristen, no she’s not. Blonde roots showing again. Ramona hates you. She’s trying to get you in more trouble talking about Heather’s husband Jonathan, whose name she claims to not even remember because he’s such a milquetoast.

“He’s a lovely man but he looks like he kinda hides in her shadow,” Ramona says. “He walks like he’s afraid. He’s afraid of Heather. She scares him.”

“You said that – not me,” Kristen laughs with Ramona. It’s like that whole thing with the “facialist” gossiping about LuAnn, Kristen. They’re setting you up again and it’s going to be ugly.

Highlight of the night would have been Carole pranking them at the campfire in a bear suit. She made somebody wet their pants. And she’s proud of the $600 purchase. I’d say it would have been better spent on a wildlife cause than a stupid prank but these women have no cares about anyone or anything except themselves. And they demonstrate that on a regular basis. I’m not usually bitchy about how you spend money you earn (and Carole works), but it was a bit tasteless the way she bragged about what a great buy it was.

Morning is rough on Heather. Bad mix of booze. She’s too old to be that stupid. Carole brings her coffee in bed and asks how she slept.

“It’s called did you pass out well?” Heather jokes – she’s really hung over. “Kristen’s so mean.”

“I know – what do you think of that?” Carole becomes the two-faced friend again.

“I’m going to have to drink again to deal with her,” Heather says about Kristen “I think that rappelling popped a brain cell or something.” Actually Heather, your drunk-ass thoughtlessness caused the initial problem so really, drinking again isn’t the answer. Other than to make yourself feel better, literally.

Meanwhile, Kristen is calling her husband Josh for moral support – and not getting it.

“It just sucks, Josh,” Kristen whines and tells him the “bossy” story.

“I don’t think it’s a character flaw – that’s just who she is,” Josh doesn’t take Kristen’s side. But he and Heather are very similar in their personalities. And Josh is kind of an asshole – we’ve seen that a few times already.

It’s time for everybody to get packed and head back to their cabins to get ready to go to a rodeo, but Sonja is having problems again.

“Where are my vitamins…? I can’t poop without all my vitamins,” Sonja moans to Ramona. “Did you pack them? I told you to pack them.” I’m sorry, did I miss something? Ramona agreed to be intern-of-the-week? Grow up Sonja. It’s even “TMI” for Ramona. And it makes me wonder what painkillers Sonja’s on that she needs something to help her go to the bathroom. That’s a side effect, duh.

rodeo

Half the RHONY crew is overdressed appropriately for the rodeo outing, and the other half looks ridiculous. Carole’s outfit is god-awful… was she a character on “Little House on the Prairie?” It’s like every bad wagon-trail movie I’ve ever seen.

“Do you think there’s a VIP section?” Carole asks, walking through the crowd.

A random guys says “get real girls.” The folks of Missoula don’t look impressed by the RHONY. They’re not even amused. In a town like that, I’d imagine they’ve all been hearing horror stories from the ranch staff all week long.

Kristen and Heather aren’t speaking.

“If she apologizes to me then we can move on, if she doesn’t, well then, she needs to keep it moving,” Heather says. Cuz she’s THAT cool.

Biggest funny was probably watching The Countess using her first porta potty at the rodeo.

“Let me help you out here with porta potties… green means go,” Kristen shows her the “occupied” tags on the door when the lock is flipped. Just like an airplane, LuAnn – you have flown commercially, right?

“Seeing The Countess in a porta potty: Priceless!” Kristen jokes.

“There’s no toilet paper,” LuAnn complains and ends up getting it from the guy in the next potty. Seriously, has she never had to deal with that at a concert, county fair or any other large event in her lifetime? Has she ever not had box seats to anything? I grant that she was a good sport but she reminded me of George W. Bush trying to check out at a grocery store and learning it’s all digital now.

“Maybe this will be a jumping off point for her next book – how to use a porta potty with elegance,” Kristen is cracking up.

People are just standing around watching them with total disdain on their faces. And from what I understand, Missoula is usually a pretty friendly place. Hmm.

Kristen starts talking to Carole like Carole is her friend on the bathroom run – dumb move. Why does Kristen trust her or Ramona or anybody else in this crowd at this point?

“You never ever judge someone else’s marriage. People in glass houses should not throw stones,” Carole says in interview, making reference to Kristen not having a perfect marriage herself. Then again, Carole wrote “The Widow’s Guide to Dating” and she is the worst dater we’ve ever seen. Remember that poor guy she tormented at dinner with LuAnn and Jacques? Haven’t seen a second date, have we?

Meanwhile, Heather is talking about Kristen with the girls back in the stands. She demands an apology.

“I really don’t think I’m the one who should be apologizing for this. I mean Heather treated me like crap and I’m not sorry for what I said – it’s the truth,” Kristen is right on target but she was out of line bringing up Heather’s marriage. They’re close enough that she knows how to push Heather’s buttons so she did it.

After the rodeo, they’re going out for a chuck wagon dinner on the ranch. It’s pretty fancy for no power or water – I know because we do beach parties all the time and it takes a LOT to pull that all together.

“Cheers to a great trip. I can’t believe it’s our last night. It’s gone by so quick, right?” LuAnn says to Kristen. Are you kidding? Even viewers thought it was the longest trip in the history of the world, and we could turn it off.

Sonja and Ramona are bickering as they get into the wagon for the ride out to dinner. Sonja makes a snarky remark about Ramona’s underwear, prompting Ramona to show it to us.

“Sorry, I don’t bare my tits and ass like you do,” Ramona says.

There’s fresh meat waiting for them when they arrive – and I’m not referring to dinner. A ranch hand who is there to teach them hatchet throwing used to play professional basketball. Kristen didn’t want to spend another evening alone with these people so she invited the ranch staff. Was this production’s idea when she refused to set herself up for another “fun” dinner alone with this crew?

And is teaching Ramona how to throw hatchets at good idea? She’s really good at it. And those hurt more than wine glasses.

hatchet

Heather, of course, nailed the middle off the target because she’s such a jock. And Carole flashed a squirrel her non-existent boobs. The squirrel wasn’t impressed. Her deceased husband’s royal family must cringe at her behavior weekly.

“I get it now,” Kristen says in interview. “Throwing sharp objects makes these women happy! I wish I knew that at the beginning of the trip.”

“I was a little concerned about sharp weapons around Kristen but…” Heather jokes. Yeah, cuz Kristen is ever aggressive? Stupid? Yes. Violent? No. It’s Heather and Ramona who shouldn’t be trusted at this point.

Ramona pushes Heather and Kristen to make up, so Kristen invites Heather to take a walk.

Watching their “make up” conversation was ridiculous. Heather is even bossy when they’re talking.

“The problem is that there’s nothing wrong with me voicing my opinion in our friendship…” Kristen complains to her.

“How do you think Jon would feel like if he knew that at a table full of women, you said that I control him… how do you think that would make him feel?” Heather asks. Like she doesn’t know it’s all going to be on television in a couple of months.

“I think he probably would agree,” Kristen won’t back down. And then she does.

She apologizes for her delivery but not the message. Good call, but it would have been nice to see Heather reciprocate. She started the whole thing by being mean during rappelling and geocaching.

“Okay, okay, okay, I accept your apology,” Heather tell hers and then she gives Kristen this “I’m there for you speech” that was bullshit. I think we’re going to see that this friendship does not get repaired. Maybe Josh and Heather should hook up – this would be the best “Wife Swap” ever.

At the end of the night, they’re all standing together around the fire like it’s been a wonderful week.

“This has been a trip of a lifetime”, LuAnn declares. For real? Again, production likes a wrap-up shot and this was it. But it was just so fake after we watch them at each other’s throats for days. Why bother?

Next week, Sonja’s sucking up to Harry again (because she needs his money?) and they all attend some kind of fancy karaoke event. We see a clip of Heather on stage and then Ramona picking on LuAnn.

“You’re afraid to sing because you don’t have auto-tune,” Ramona says, and for a second it looks like LuAnn might lose her cool… we’ll see.


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