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Recap: ‘Real Housewives of New York’ That’s What Menopause Looks Like Edition

The Real Housewives of New York City - Season 5
Recap: ‘Real Housewives of New York’ That’s What Menopause Looks Like Edition

What did the loyal fans of the “Real Housewives of New York” do to deserve an entire episode launched off of Sonja’s “Caburlesque” performance? She made the word up, and 500 people are PAYING real money to see her perform in an airplane hangar in the Hamptons. #TrueLife

Seriously? Rich people are so much dumber than I thought. I don’t even think it was for a charity because she’s talking about how she wants to take her show on the road to other cities. There’s only one problem. Zero talent.

“I have my own way of moving. I’m very confident – if I may say, very Liza Minnelli.” Oh dear, Sonja, did you really just say that? ROFLMAO. Why set yourself up for so easy a takedown? You, Miz Morgan, are no Liza Minnelli. Do not even insult her by comparing yourself.

Sonja’s choreographer and backup dancers know she’s a hot mess and that she’s not going to learn her act. Has anybody warned the 500 people who have paid to go to this show? Does seeing Sonja do her impression of Elaine from Seinfeld dancing in a hooker costume really merit a giant event? Oh dear God, what is this world coming to? She admits she looked the whole show up on line and is winging it as she goes. Does she really think her mere presence in lingerie is worth it?

“I’m going to bring the sexy and IIIMMMprovise,” Sonja brags. Sounds like something I’d want to pay to sit through. Not. Actually, you’d have to pay me to attend.

Apparently a lot of people do think it’s worth it (or wanna be on TV) because the whole RHONY crew and their spouses, and everyone’s ex Harry, and that random hanger-on Amanda are all making the trek too. Even LuAnn shows up at what is truly and honestly a God-awful show. Plus like 450 other people if she really had 500. Who the hell were they? Did they realize what they’d signed up for?

It was so bad that people were either nervously laughing or shocked silent. She had a wardrobe malfunction in the first 20 seconds and while I do not like that Amanda girl, she was funny snarky during Sonja’s appearance. The other girls have learned to keep their mouths shut on occasion when they’re wired up. Amanda has not. So don’t be surprised when you look like a bitch after they edit the show together.

“That’s what menopause looks like!” Amanda snarks when Sonja does her trademark ass move. I think this girl is on the wrong show – she belongs on “Mob Wives.” She has the right accent. “Ugh, I saw nipple.” Thank you for pointing that out, Amanda.

The show is a disaster after Sonja decides to go it alone and orders the other dancers not to hit the stage. “I’m a one woman show.” God help us all. “I googled burlesque moves!” Way to plan a show that people are paying to see, Sonja. She’s watching burlesque routines on YouTube and babbling about “kikis” backstage while her “friends” are sucking down cocktails in the lobby.

And EVERYONE is there – causing an interesting dynamic.

Kristen finally meets Harry and is a little baffled. She thought he would look more like George Clooney. “I don’t really get it.” It’s okay, Kristen. We thought the same thing. But new girl Amanda sure seems to like him.

Kristen also meets and likes LuAnn because she’s tall. LuAnn invites her to a BBQ at her house the next night, casually, as if everybody wasn’t already scheduled to be there by production.

“I don’t understand an image consultant that looks like she did,” Kristen says of Amanda’s outfit at the big event. But Heather REALLY hates Amanda. “Who is this woman? She’s like a hangaround, this girl,” she says.

Aviva and LuAnn are all huggy-kissy because it’s been a long time and Aviva downloads about Carol to LuAnn… saying she’s fighting with the “princess.” But LuAnn isn’t a Carol fan right now after Carol put her in her place about borrowing designer duds from her friends. “She’s not a girl’s kind of girl,” both LuAnn and Aviva say, one after the other.

Sonja had seated Carol and Aviva next to each other and Heather moved their placecards before it became a problem. The show was horrible, but all of the RHONY minded their manners as best they could.

Heather is seriously annoyed with how Amanda misbehaves during the performance. “Amanda is the most ill-mannered, rudest person,” she rants. I think Carol’s take on it is funny. “There is a cringe factor – this is not Moulin Rouge.” Well said.

The next day at lunch, it’s Aviva with her current and ex-husbands, and Amanda again. Talking about the show… and making fun of her timing and music. “I thought her boob was gonna come out,” Harry says. “Follow the bouncing ball, ya know.” Ouch. I don’t think it’s a compliment.

When Aviva explains to Harry that he’s not invited to LuAnn’s party because he’s a “predator” and Jacques is out of town, Amanda is the first to cause trouble and cross the line. “Harry could come as my date.” And she did it. And he came. OMG. RUDE.

Meanwhile, Sonja is not pleased to find out who Harry is lunching with when she learns about it at the beachwear shopping party at Kristen’s beach house. The girls joke about how Amanda is supposedly Aviva’s image consultant, but she’s trashy. Although they all agree Aviva could use an image consultant.

Raise your hand if you thought this party at LuAnn’s was going to go well? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Me neither. The tone is set with Carol’s opening snark upon arrival. “Aviva’s here and you never know if she’s gone off her meds.” That would be funny if it wasn’t likely true.

It’s funny to watch the girls all gossiping about two-faced Amanda kissing Sonja’s ass after she was the one making fun during the burlesque show the night before. People keep asking who the hell she is. I’d say she’s trying to become the newest RHONY next season based on what I’m seeing. Duh. You girls have to start ignoring her if you don’t want to write her contract for her.

Carol makes a classy move and apologizes to LuAnn for hurting her and they bury the hatchet, and Aviva is sneaking in the doorway listening in. And she doesn’t like that one little bit.

“I think she’s playing chess with a couple of different players,” Aviva says. What does that even mean?

Just when there’s a chance for things to go smoothly, Sonja has to cause trouble. She cozies up with Aviva and Amanda and LuAnn to talk about #BookGate and Aviva tells them all how mean and horrible Carol was. When Carol is defended, Aviva proclaims “It’s true, I swear to you on my right leg.” Really? REALLY? Ugh.

When Carol walks in on the conversation, but doesn’t want to get into it, Sonja stirs the pot and goads her. “You should be interested…” But then suddenly Aviva picks fight with Heather, claiming Heather threatened her at Aviva’s party and Amanda tries to get in the middle.

On replay we see that Heather did not, in fact, threaten Aviva. She gave the bitch some good professional advice. Do not fuck with people’s careers. It’s not a good idea.

Suddenly everybody is screaming and I couldn’t even follow who was yelling at who. LuAnn’s trying to stop the melee, but it’s not working. “I’m the hostess,” LuAnn declares, clapping to get their attention. She demands that Aviva and Carol talk alone, and everybody completely ignores her. It’s hilarious.

“This is the first time I’ve felt totally out of control in my own house.” LuAnn is so glad she’s not hanging out with these women on a regular basis anymore.

Next thing you know, Amanda starts randomly threatening Heather… I’m like what the hell is this about. She gets up and leaves the room, saying she’s going to pee and then come back and deck Heather “in the face.” But Heather used to run with Puffy and she can get all kinds of ghetto if she needs to so if I were Amanda, I’d roll straight out the front door after you get out of the restroom.

The episode ends with Heather going right back at Amanda but we don’t get to see if punches fly… ugh. Fine, BravoTV, you got me again. I’m back for next week because now I’m thinking you misled me to believe Harry rolls out with LuAnn in a taxi when it’s actually going to be Amanda that he hits the road with – just guessing. What do you think? Sonja’s gonna be out in the cold one way or the other.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone


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