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Recap: Real Housewives of New Jersey, “You’re the maid and I’m the butler” Edition

Rino on The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Rino on The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Alright, BravoTV – enough teasing the big reveal about Rino’s affair with the twins’ mother on “Real Housewives of New Jersey” – we already all know what the gossip is and that shit’s going to hit the fan. Show it already.

In fact, pretty much everybody in the entire free world except the twins knows the gossip about them and they could have had it out there tonight but Terayza didn’t want to hear anything bad. We did finally get to see the twins fighting with each other though. That was a little bit interesting. But not really.

So what was tonight’s episode even about really? It didn’t seem to flow very well. Maybe that’s because all of the women went on a trip to help reduce Tre’s stress but Mrs. Guidice didn’t join them. Sorta makes the trip irrelevant, but that didn’t stop this crew from going without her. Any excuse to travel on the network’s dime, right?

What’s up with the villa in Boca Raton? Have the Housewives franchises been banned from all the decent resorts all over the planet after past behavior and destruction? I wouldn’t go on vacation and stay in one house with those people on a bet. Give me a big hotel with rooms on separate floors, please.

“Is there an elevator in this joint,” Dina asks, lugging her 75 pound suitcase. And apparently the multi-million-dollar villa is decorated too “Miami Vice” for these classy ladies. Methinks they’ve never been to Boca before. Just sayin. It’s probably the lack of animal prints getting them down.

We get to see the somewhat domestic side of a bunch of Italian reality stars let loose in a grocery story. Snore. Except for Melissa’s comment about the twins during the shopping trip.

“The twins – they talk a lot. There’s a lot of talking going on and sometimes it turns into noise,” Melissa says. Now Melissa knows how it feels to hear her talking with her friends. Nails on a chalkboard or Charlie Brown’s teacher – “mwawk mwawk mwawk.” Yeah, that’s about it.

The ladies spend the day lounging on the pool deck drinking fruity drinks and sexually harassing the pool boy (that is what they do best regardless of which Housewives show it is).

“I just want to pluck the hair off his nipples. That would just make him perfect,” Nicole says. Of course, now I’m curious about Bobby’s nipples. Is that wrong? Poor guy. Run, Bobby, run!

Meanwhile, back in Jersey, nothing interesting is happening. Seriously.

Jacqueline Laurita is back – as teased over and over and over again this season. But it was really kind of just a depressing scene with her and Kathy. Here Kathy comes with amazing desserts and Jac spends all her time whining about the fact Tre isn’t really interested in reigniting their friendship.

Gee, wonder why? Perhaps her attorneys have advised her not to talk to anybody and this particular friend has caused her some stress in the past by demanding information. My feeling? Tre is over Jac. Done. Give it up girl. You lost a friend. Let it go.

“When we left Arizona I thought we had put everything past us… when we got back from Arizona we had made plans to go out and then we never did… I did send her a message,” Jacqueline reads a ridiculously long stream of texts to Kathy. Tre’s gotta look forward to texts from Jacqueline the way she enjoys phone calls from Amber. Not at all.

“I can’t imagine what she’s going through right now. I mean they have to go through the rest of their life as a convicted felon. And I know for Teresa she doesn’t like to accept blame for anything,” she continues. OMG the grammar.

Okay now girl, you just blew it. For a minute there you were being sympathetic, but then you HAD TO point out that your dear friend Teresa doesn’t like to accept responsibility. I just wonder if she’s still confused about why Tre doesn’t want to be friends after watching herself on this episode.

Kathy tries to be diplomatic about Tre’s very polite and short text replies.

“I think that her response is kinda telling you something,” Kathy says gently. “For me, that’s closing the book.” See, Kathy agrees with me.

They go visit the new house Kathy and Richie are building. Most people downsize when the kids leave the house but not the Wakiles.

“It’s pretty much a kitchen and then the house is built around it,” Kathy explains. Finally she’s getting the kitchen she wants, not some room in a warehouse for Richie to park her in. Yay!

This tour is a little uncomfortable because apparently Jac’s family is having some financial issues. The expense of therapy for Nick is a tough one and her husband’s entrepreneurial forays haven’t all been very successful. She’s talking about downsizing and needing less while Kathy’s showing her around their new manse. #awkward

If that was Jacqueline Laurita’s great return, Sandy Malone is not impressed. But it was nice to see Kathy again.

That’s the one thing, btw, that Jacqueline and Teresa have in common these days – they’re both looking to get into smaller houses. Tre has actually bitten the bullet and started looking at smaller mansions. As in 8,800-square-foot homes versus the 12,000 feet she currently has. Who are they kidding? They owe every dime they have in restitution and fines yet to be completely determined. The houses Tre and Gia are looking at are more than a million dollars.

And who, by the way, takes a tween daughter house hunting and discusses pricing in front of her with the realtor? Honestly, I had no idea what my parents’ home was worth or what they paid for it or any of that and I don’t think most kids do, or should. I believe it was completely inappropriate.

The conversation between Juicy and Tre about it when he got home from work (what does he do these days anyway?) was interesting if you listened closely. They can’t buy a smaller mansion until after they sell their own ginormous house because they can’t exactly get a mortgage right now. Especially for a million-plus-dollar home. Joe explains their house is a money pit to them now.

“When you have many millions, it doesn’t matter… now… You’re the maid and I’m the butler,” Joe explains how things have changed. It’s actually kind of funny. Unless you’re the maid in a 12,000 square foot house.

Frankly, I’m surprised they’re not looking to rent. Supposedly they’ve already fired at least one realtor (maybe the guy in tonight’s episode?), and are asking almost three times what it’s valued at. Do they think there’s a celebrity markup because they lived there? I know it’s a big-ass house and all, but that baby needs to be priced to sell. He’s not a Gotti.

Final comment: Stop discussing selling the house in front of the kids. Besides, if you both end up in jail at the same time, you won’t need a house. The kids are going to live with your relatives.

While Melissa’s getting hammered in Florida, Joe Gorga is home “babysitting” his children. Yep, he said it. And Twitter went freaking nuts.

“I love my children. Do I enjoy babysitting? Not really,” Joe says. Oh Joe, as literally every person with a Twitter account told you, it’s not babysitting when they’re YOUR CHILDREN! It’s called being a parent. Look up that word in the dictionary. As you don’t likely have one in your house, please go online. Or borrow your sister’s. She got one for Christmas from the cousins.

“My babysitting style is to let them do whatever the hell they want,” Joe brags as the kids are running around, jumping on furniture, shrieking like banshees. No wonder Melissa worries about leaving them alone with him. Seriously.

He’s one of those “good time dads,” isn’t he? Around for the fun but not willing to take on the hard job of disciplinarian. That would take some effort. And does he really not know who Justin Bieber is? Way to relate to your children. Way to be in touch with “reality.”

The good news is that Amber’s doctor re-ran her bloodwork and tells her that she’s A-Okay and cancer free at her five-year mark. This is very important and it’s very good news. I’m seriously very happy for her. She’s endured a lot of inappropriate mean tweets regarding her cancer battle and while I am just as sick of hearing about it as the rest of the viewers, I didn’t approve of the nasty messages being sent to her at all.

With that said, can we not have to hear about Amber’s cancer again until her annual checkup next year? We’ll give you a waiver on that for ONE EPISODE ONLY. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

That was the good news. The bad news is that because Amber is not sick, she AND JIM are going to join everyone in Boca. Dina received the news with as much enthusiasm being told to have a mammogram or a colonoscopy. And she literally had to tell the other girls not to shoot the messenger when she passed along the “good news.”

When Rino finds out, he says he’s not coming. Nobody likes Jim. He’s a skeezy weasel. And come on, let’s face it, he’s only going for the camera time. Have you had the pleasure of seeing him tweet? It’s hilarious and frightening. Seriously can picture him at his computer wearing a tinfoil hat to keep the aliens out. He threatens people not to insult his wife (nice thought bud, but c’mon, it’s Twitter and you’re on reality television and your wife is a LITTLE BIT controversial). And he sends bizarre polite thank yous to bloggers like me who insult him. I think Amber needs to take away his Twitter.

But back to Amber and Dina. Dina’s all worried that Amber is going to arrive and blurt out everything about the whole Rino affair with the twins’ mother. So instead of letting Amber do it, Dina decides she should be the one and she takes Terayza aside to tell her privately. But that twin isn’t interested in hearing anything nasty anyone has said about her or her family.

Here’s the thing though, twin Nicole wants to know anything nasty that anyone says about any of them – like, in real time. So they get mad at each other about it and that’s where the episode leaves off. Literally. With the twins arguing over whether or not to let Dina tell them the gossip about them. Read that back to yourself a couple of times and then go ahead and shake your head.

Maybe next week we’ll finally see Jim blow open the big secret – but the way it was framed tonight, not even Victoria Gotti will get the blame. Is Jim going to blame this one on Bobby? Creative editing or is that guy just a complete idiot?

Amber looks ready to kill him. She doesn’t want to be within a hundred yards of him when he’s opening his mouth. The question is, did Bobby tell him or is he using what Amber told him to zing Bobby? This whole crew is so full of liars, thieves and scoundrels that it’s hard to keep up with what’s going on. I’ll have to watch.

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