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Recap: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, The Everyone Is Lisa’s Friend Edition

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Recap: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, The Everyone Is Lisa’s Friend Edition

Everybody wants to be Lisa’s friend. That’s the bizarre thing about last night’s final episode of the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”

Regardless of what they’ve said about her this season, the way they ganged up on her in Puerto Rico, and literally hours of nasty behind-the-back gossiping about how horrible Lisa is, the truth is completely revealed. There wasn’t a woman at that reunion who wouldn’t have been thrilled to say “I’m Lisa’s best friend” and have it actually be true.

But Lisa and Ken couldn’t care less anymore about this group of shallow TV friends. Every time one of them whines about “we were such good friends,” Lisa is fighting the urge (not always) to roll her eyes at them. She’s not stupid and she’s not going to pretend she is to make anybody happy at this point. As my husband would say, Lisa simply “gives no fucks whatsoever.” A trait he admires.

It also seems like all the RHOBH need some production coaching/reminders about the whole concept behind the show. It’s supposed to be “real” so maybe quite a few of us were unhappy to hear Kyle bitching out Lisa for discussing certain things on camera. Hold the phone. Back up the DVR… yep, she said that a few times.

Do you girls use rules about what you talk about and what you don’t in front of the cameras? And then punish those who violate those #MeanGirls rules? Is somebody wearing sweats on the wrong day of the week? Is this why Lisa’s the only one allowed to wear pink?

Hey BravoTV – it’s time for a new RHOBH cast because Kyle let the cat out of the bag. Your current RHOBH group got together pre-season and discussed what could be brought up on the show and what couldn’t. Apparently there’s a lot going on off-camera that you guys are missing. God forbid anybody mention something that was in a tabloid on the show because that puts it on TV and makes it real. OMG, seriously?

If rumors that Joyce and Carlton aren’t returning next season are true, I’m totally bummed. The whole witch dynamic was fascinating, and until Joyce’s husband attacked Carlton for casting spells and admitted he’d had their home “blessed” because of Carlton, I actually thought he was a fairly normal guy. I didn’t get upset with him for getting in Brandi’s face at Sur when she was attacking his wife because, let’s face it, that’s what partners are supposed to do.

brandi

Brandi just feels outnumbered because nobody wants to date her more than twice, and nobody wants to be called her best friend publicly; therefore, she has no wingman. And she’s burned all her girlfriends so many times that all she has left is that friend who worked on “Celebrity Rehab” and shows up to help Brandi get drunk and argue at girls’ get-togethers sometimes. Just sayin.

Yolanda and Carlton’s husbands weren’t at the reunion. No surprise there. Does anybody else think their very smart and successful husbands have blown the bullshit whistle on this whole reality TV thing? Sorta like, “Okay, fine if you want to do it, but I’m not twisting around my professional life for your production schedule.”

Meaning that if the very famous David happens to be home when Yolanda’s entertaining, he’ll play the piano and be charming and everybody loves him. Carlton’s husband, likewise, when they’re entertaining or he’s escorting her to an event. But otherwise, these relatively-new Real Husbands of Beverly Hills aren’t trying to be on this show any more than they have to. They saw what happened to Mauricio and Ken. We won’t even talk about the one who hung himself during show production. It’s tragic, really.

I don’t think Carlton gives two fucks one way or the other about staying on RHOBH, and I suspect she and Lisa will actually stay friends with or without the show. If she goes, it will be a real loss because she’s wickedly funny in addition to bizarre and dark. I wish she’d spoken up more at the reunion but every time she opened her mouth, she was attacked by Kyle or Yolanda or Joyce. And Carlton just doesn’t care that much anymore. Maybe she never did.

Joyce stood up for Lisa at the reunion and called the whole debacle on the beach in Puerto Rico a gang-up, which all the other women are denying. If I were Lisa, I’d be thinking (in Lisa’s accent), “Dahling, you’re a nice little beauty queen, but it’s a bit too little too late, don’t you agree?”

In fact, on the show, Joyce was all about how rude Lisa was to have rolled out of the Puerto Rico trip with no goodbye. Now she’s trying to mend fences. Or she saw her own behavior on the show and is trying to make up for it because she’s embarrassed. Either way, I’m okay with it. If Joyce is leaving RHOBH, she and I are splitting on good terms. I would have kept her but mostly for the fact I was excited to see Puerto Rico represented on TV again. She didn’t add much otherwise. Her husband Michael was much more interesting.

Yolanda actually turned her back to Joyce and tried to shut her out of the conversation several times during the reunion. Most aggressively when Joyce was saying that she was upset after watching the other women on the show attack Lisa at the beach. Joyce needed to stand up and move her butt to another seat so that she could be seen and heard. But where was there a safe place to sit? After Brandi’s Ramona Singer impression about her dress in the first part of this reunion, I’d be wanting some space too.

Yolanda’s so tall that she basically blocked Joyce’s view of Andy and made her feel left out whenever she wanted throughout the three-part series. Was that you being a #MeanGirl Yolanda, or was it the Lyme disease again? Just checking.

Yolanda’s non-verbal body language says to Joyce -“You’re out of here and nobody cares what you think” – don’t forget to insert Yolanda’s accent there. Sounds much snottier that way. I guess she’s forgotten that she is still basically a RHOBH rookie herself.

Yolanda was not “Yoyo” during the reunion. Methinks she realizes that she’s a huge villain now that she’s seen the show and she wants to spin her image back to the popular girl she was before she lost her mind. When she spoke, she was cutting – but kept it short and to the point. I do like her haircut. Hated the dress.

Kyle and Brandi are both on the same “boo hoo Lisa has been mean to me” train, but we’ll talk about them separately.

Kyle blew my mind when she exploded all over Lisa about the tabloids. Her point was that all kinds of stuff runs in the tabloids and of course they discuss it with each other, BUT NOT IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS. Putting it out there on the show makes it REAL to these women, whereas just seeing it in the grocery store line does not. Maybe they don’t do their own shopping and haven’t seen a magazine rack recently. Kyle, the Mauricio cheating rumors were everywhere and it’s not Lisa’s fault that you handled it badly.

If Kyle and Mauricio had laughed the first time Lisa joked about it on the show, I think it would have gone away. The way Kyle got so freaked out – and remains so worked up – makes me wonder if maybe her husband had a dalliance and we’re about to get some kind of Schwarzenegger-like surprise in the not-so-distant future. I hope not. I really, really like him and I want the infidelity rumors to be untrue.

Lisa tries to make the point that this stuff can only get to you if you get upset about it and lend it credibility, reminding Kyle that the tabloids said she had a sex tape out. But it’s all about Kyle. And how Lisa violated some hidden rule about what they do and do not discuss in front of the cameras. I’m pissed and I feel cheated. These bitches shouldn’t be without cameras at all when they’re in production because they’re obviously scripting as much as they can themselves. Booooooo!

Brandi’s tears in the end touched Lisa’s heart only because Brandi is such a pathetic mess. Was she really bawling at Ken and whining “It doesn’t feel good to be dropped” right after she tore up his wife again? C’mon folks, did she really expect to be welcomed back into their home at this point? I wouldn’t let her in my restaurants if I was Lisa.

Speaking of restaurants, I almost peed when Lisa said she wouldn’t let any of her waitresses burn to death instead of validating poor Brandi and saying she’d choose to rescue her first over Scheana in a burning building. Really Brandi? Did you ask that question? Did you think Lisa would have to choose you and then you could try to rebuild your friendship on that back of that during the production break? Give it a rest. Lisa answered your question. She’d let you burn in hell, Brandi. Get it now?

Everybody wants to be Lisa’s friend but everybody wants to change her or make her apologize for something, and she and Ken are just done with it. Ken’s sweet little concessions to Brandi were just to get her to calm down because his British sensibilities were probably horrified by the snuffling, sobbing mess she was becoming on her stool across the set. She needs another tissue Andy.

I thought it was very classy the way Ken apologized to Kim right up front for saying she might be drinking when she yelled at him in Puerto Rico. What was not classy was Kim’s failure to apologize for her own remarks that night. Ken got her – after he gave her a chance – pointing out that her words were just as hurtful to him.

Here’s the deal, Kim. You’re a whiny bitch with a badly-behaved dog and a beautiful and brilliant daughter we all feel a little sorry for because you’re her mother. You complain about how you lost years of your life – girl, you were on drugs! You did it to yourself. You tortured your family, your friends, your children, and you were kind enough to do it on a reality show and entertain America with it. You were a skinny Anna Nicole Smith and YOU DO NOT GET A FREE PASS ON IT. You still have to be accountable for the things you did when you were messed up. Did you miss that step? Or is it different in Beverly Hills and they tell you that everyone has to forgive AND forget when you own up to the things you’ve done?

Her responses to Ken were telling of just how self-absorbed she is. And let’s face it, would anybody else really miss her if she dropped off the show? When she was wasted all the time, she was an interesting storyline. Like, what will Kim do today? Will she show up? How trashed will she be? Will Brandi call her out on it? What’s in her Starbuck’s cup?

Seriously Bravo, if I want to waste hours of time on poorly-trained/dangerous dogs and squirrels, I’ll turn on Animal Planet. Sober Kim, if she is (remember all her psycho behavior in the interview montage?), just isn’t nearly as interesting.

So end of the season, what do we have? Everybody wants to be Lisa’s friend, and she doesn’t care to be friends with the vast majority of them anymore. Between her notoriety from RHOBH, her success with “Vanderpump Rules” and her restaurants (managing more than150 employees), this lady has her hands full and can choose to do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. The rest of those girls have a shelf life in television.

Joyce has her pageant stuff, and they could make “Breaking Bonaduce-esque” type of show about Brandi and let all of us watch her finish her downward spiral. And Kim and Yoyo could definitely begin some sort of empty-nesters club together – but I suspect Yolanda the “Momanger” will be all over Gigi in the not so distant future. Hope you enjoyed the alone time while mom was filming RHOBH kiddo because she has serious career plans for you and could end up with plenty of time to help you advance them.

I have really loved RHOBH for years and I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m not sure I can stomach another season of this particular group of people. We, the viewers, all know they hate each other. And now we know they have unwritten rules and agreements about what they will and won’t discuss on camera. So why are we watching? Something has to shake things up dramatically to get my interest back for another season. Of course, I can just want “Vanderpump Rules” instead.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone


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