Recap: Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars, The ‘You’ve Gotten Too Fat’ Edition


marriage 2015-2016

Wow. I’ve been blogging “Marriage Boot Camp” on WEtv practically since the beginning, and this looks like it’s going to be the most explosive season yet. I think it might even be worse than the second round of Bridezillas, and somebody ended up on crutches in that one.

I didn’t know much of the cast so I’ll be researching them more in the coming weeks, but Althea and Benzino from “Love and Hip Hop Atlanta” do not appear to like each other, much less love each other.

“Lately ain’t been no love, just a lot of hip hop drama,” Benzino complains. He says there’s a lot of door slamming and lamp throwing. Doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

“If this marriage boot camp doesn’t work, I will be single,” Althea says. After tonight’s episode, I’m thinking she’ll be single before the end of boot camp.

They’re the first couple to arrive, and Althea wants to talk while they’re waiting for everybody else. Benzino prefers to wait til Jim and Elizabeth are there to discuss anything. Interesting.

Catherine and Sean from “The Bachelor” arrive. They’re just like the last couple from that show, clearly the least warped in the entire boot camp household. Actually, they seem really nice.

“We have to work on our communication skills and how to fight,” Catherine says.

Sean and Catherine walk into the house and Althea and Benzino are fighting and don’t even stop yelling to acknowledge their new housemates.

“I’m Catherine,” she says, but gets no reaction from Althea and Benzino. #Awkward

“I assume they’re a couple, but they’re sitting on opposite sides of the room so it’s confusing,” Sean says.

Eventually, Althea and Benzino acknowledge them, but then they continue their fight and now Catherine and Sean are stuck in the middle of it.

“I’m exhausted already. I don’t know if I can go two weeks listing to grown people bicker and bicker and bicker,” Sean says. It’s clear he’s wondering whether he can get out of this show.

Next to arrive are Sarah and Ink – she was on “The Bad Girls Club” and he’s a tattoo artist out of Atlanta who apparently has problems with monogamy.

“I don’t really believe monogamy is natural,” Ink says. Great way to start “Marriage Boot Camp.” I’m dying.

“She is too pretty for him,” Althea says. Bahahaha!

They ask Ink what his problem is and he is too honest.

“The bitches… the females… they kinda come along with my occupation,” Ink says. “She brings me girls, we have fun.” Everybody is dying.

“Why did this have to come out already?” Sarah says. At least she’s smart enough to be a little bit embarrassed. Ink is busy thinking he’s wonderful because he can do threesomes with his girlfriend.

During this exchange, Catherine and Sean are sitting there absolutely silent – I was dying!!!

Next in the door, Sundy and Cedric from “Basketball Wives of Los Angeles” – they’re divorced but considering getting back together. They still live together and co-parent.

“There was infidelity going on that was my fault,” Sundy says.

They walk in and introduce themselves and things get awkward fast. Seems that Sundy and Benzino have hooked up before – and Althea knows about it but Cedric does not. And they don’t say anything. As soon as Sundy and Cedric go to walk around the house, they tell everybody else about the connection.

“Benzino and Sundy once had a thing, which is really weird,” Sean says.

“I don’t know if Cedric knows,” Benzino says.

“Cedric not knowing this information is very telling in the relationship,” Marriage Boot Camp Creator and Director Jim Carrol says from the control room where he’s watching them chat with each other.

Then it gets weirder.

“I worked for your company before,” Cedric tells Benzino.

“Small world, damn,” Benzino says. But he’s not just talking about having been Cedric’s employer. Somebody isn’t checking the degrees of separation well enough for the show. Or they knew about this and put them in together anyway. Probably not therapeutic, but absolutely hilarious.

Nobody knows what to say when Mama June and Sugar Bear from “Here Comes Honey BooBoo” walk in the front door. Catherine is apparently a huge fan. This is the first time the couple has been in the public eye since TLC threw their show off the air because June was canoodling with an ex-boyfriend who had just gotten out of jail for molesting one of her daughters.

Apparently, there’s even more than that going on in their house.

“Sugar Bear’s been cheating and I’m hoping to get some answers,” June says.

Gotta say I was prepared to hate this lady because of what I’ve read in the press, but she didn’t bother me in the first episode. Lots of weeks to go.

Jim and Elizabeth are watching from the control room as everyone – except Sean and Catherine – gets involved in a big screaming match with each other.

Let me just say, right here, right now, that I could sit here all night and make fun of the bad grammar with this cast and never run out of material, but I don’t have to. You can imagine it based on who is there. Ugh.

“I’m perfect,” Ink keeps announcing. He’s an immature dork.

“This is the first time we’ve had couples come into boot camp and start fighting,” Director Elizabeth Carroll says, shaking her head. She and Jim have their work cut out for them.

“This group is made up of two extremes – incredibly aggressive couples, and passive couples,” Elizabeth says. “And it looks like they’re not going to resolve this themselves.”

She and Jim go down to the living room where the chaos is happening and nobody even notices their arrival.

“Really?” Elizabeth yells above the din and the room slowly goes silent.

“So this is the way you deal with your problems? How’s that working for ya?” Jim asks.

Jim and Elizabeth lead them into their first exercise, a newlywed-esque type of game show hosted by the real Bob Eubanks, host of the real “Newlywed Game.” I don’t think he ever got answers like these on his television game shows.

He reads out statements and has them guess which ones were said by their spouses.

“Our sex life is not satisfying,” is the first one up, and that’s Mama June and Sugar Bear. Could’ve gone my whole life without knowing that and now we’re going to hear about it all season. She thinks he’s been cheating on her.

“I know he did because our sex life is nonexistent,” June says.

“I have fell out of love with him,” Mama June says in her interview tape.

“I don’t want to approach my partner about my cheating,” is the second one. That’s Sundy – and she says she thinks Cedric loves her more than she loves him. I think she’s right. She only loves what she can see in her mirror.

“I wanna commit to the right person and the right person hasn’t come along yet,” Sundy says, begging the question why are you at “Marriage Boot Camp????”

Ink says Sarah never shuts up. I say Ink is a pig.

“He doesn’t think the way normal society thinks,” Sarah says.

“I’m supposed to accept every female she bring but accepts none that I bring,” Ink complains. In other words, she’ll do threesomes but only with women whom she is attracted to. That makes perfect sense. She’s not forcing him. If he doesn’t like the women she chooses, I’m sure he can say no.

He thinks threesomes are good for a marriage. Can’t wait to see how that goes over in the group.

Sean and Catherine are trying to figure out how to get off the show, in the middle of the game show. It’s hilarious.

Ink says he doesn’t think Catherine is as sweet as she looks. Maybe not. But she’s a much better human being than Ink appears to be.

“San Andreas fault opening. Earthquake, 10 on a Richter scale” is how Benzino describes Althea’s temper.

“If Benzino wants to marry me, he needs to control his temper and anger,” Althea says. I’m not that sure he wants to marry her, though.

He doesn’t like fighting in public because that’s not how he was raised. Apparently, she has no problem getting crazy in public places like airports.

“This is a boot camp house like no other,” Elizabeth observes. I’ve gotta agree. Although it reminds me of the violent folks in the second Bridezilla group based on the season-long previews they show. I hope that’s not the case.

“Althea and Benzino, I’m not sure they love each other,” Jim says.

“You can tell they used to love each other and now they don’t want to be around each other,” Sean says. Where do they find these couples???

“I’ve seen Diary of an Angry Black Woman, and that’s what she is,” Sarah says to Ink. That was hilarious. Sarah has good one-liners.

“Threesomes is like the bottom of the barrel. Like we’re not going to get stronger from what we’re hearing in there,” Sean says to Catherine. She’s fine to stay, but he wants out. I’m curious as to whether she’s staying to get on TV again. Highly likely.

Over dinner, Cedric says he doesn’t want being “real” to mean being humiliated.

“I feel 100 percent that you’re way too smart for her,” Ink tells Cedric in front of Sundy, setting her off.

“I look at you as a pimp. You manipulate women to do what you want for your own satisfaction,” Sundy says.

Before things can explode, they call them back into the living room, and Jim and Elizabeth give them the welcome speech and pep talk. They send them up to find their rooms, based on the writing on the wall.

“It’s easy to say things to each other, but to have to read that on your wall,” Ink is affected when he sees the things in his room. Maybe his nasty attitude is a façade. Maybe his mother left him so he wants to always have two women so he’s got a spare. I dunno. There’s got to be an explanation for his mouth.

June and Sugar Bear think they’ve found their room until they see something that makes them rush out and tell Sundy and Cedric it’s their room

“You’ve gotten too fat, I don’t want to have sex with you,” is posted on the wall above the bed. Sundy says that to Cedric.

“At this moment I’m thinking maybe I should get ready for war. Wow,” Cedric says.

“I can’t wait to get outta that room,” Benzino says about his own room.

Elizabeth and Jim are watching Catherine and Sean discussing bailing out in their own room.

“Sean is worrying about everything but his own relationship,” Jim says.

True, Sean doesn’t like these people and cannot relate to them. I get it. I would feel exactly the same way in that group. Elizabeth goes to talk to them.

“I’d say I’m unsure about this,” Sean says. He says he was always uneasy about being on the show.

Elizabeth gives them a pep talk and tells them to worry about their own relationship. But she also tells them that if they’re going to quit, they should leave right then and there. Otherwise, she’ll see them in the morning.

At the end of the episode, we see Benzino going downstairs to sleep on the couch.

“I don’t want to be with you no more. We’re done. We’re done after this,” Benzino tells Althea. I’d be done right then and there if I had to sleep on the couch in a reality show.

Teasers for next week show things getting heated and people storming down steps carrying suitcases. I’m not surprised. With this mix of people, there’s bound to be a real explosion sooner rather than later. I’m not sure I want to watch – but I’m fascinated looking at this train wreck. Good luck to Jim and Elizabeth.

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