Recap: Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars, The ‘Natalie’s A Social Media [expletive]’ Edition


“Marriage Boot Camp” on WEtv was VERY revealing this week. We got a serious quickie look into all these relationships when they opened up the first drill the very first morning with Divorce Court. They even brought in Judge Lynn Toler, and she doesn’t cut cards! #Hilarious

Directors Elizabeth and Jim Carroll are at the helm trying to get this motley crew of reality TV castmates to take thing seriously. It’s a challenge.

“Divorce. Some of you use it as a threat… now you’re going to live it,” Jim says.

“I should probably call my lawyer,” Spencer jokes.

“Court for bad girls is nothing new, sooo…” Natalie is not impressed.

But the Judge is dead serious. And Natalie and Jacob are first up at bat!

“Natalie’s a social media w***e,” Jacob doesn’t even mention that she’s a naked social media w***e. Judge would have had a blast with that.

“I get more likes when I’m half naked,” Natalie says in interview.

“If I’d known she was Natalie from the Bad Girls’ Club then I probably would have ran,” Jacob says. Question is why has he stuck around this long?

Natalie calls the judge “girl” and gets put in her place. Bahaha! How did that work out for you in real court, Natalie? You act like you know all about it.

She says she can do without Jake but doesn’t think he’s going anywhere. Judge Toler disagrees.

“This man can bop out your house tomorrow and have women 35 deep waiting on him,” the Judge tells her. “Trust that.”

“I just don’t think he’s going anywhere,” Natalie is so cocky. I wish he’d dump her just to knock her down a peg.

“It might be a good thing that you don’t have children with her,” Judge Toler tells Jacob. Ouch! Smack! Take that Natalie!

“Like *****, shut the **** up before I come across this **** podium and smack you in the face,” Natalie rants in interview. She’s so classy. Wonder if I’ll get to post her mugshot this season like I did with Gloria a couple seasons ago. Bahaha!

Aviva and Reid were fun to watch because you find out that the only thing keeping them in the marriage is fighting over money.

“I wish Aviva could explain her issues at work in three minutes than three hours,” Reid hates her being on reality TV. And Reid thinks she spoils the kids. He’s right.

“I only believe divorce should happen if things become unlivable. And this has become unlivable,” Aviva says dramatically. Poor little Aviva. Imagine being Reid! RUN REID RUN!

Spencer calls them fake. He’s right. He would know.

“He wants full custody of the children really just because he wants to keep all the money,” Aviva gets to the heart of the matter.

“I don’t want the kids being spoiled,” Reid says. Aviva wants mucho dinero for the kids – probably a lot more than anybody reasonably needs. Isn’t she a lawyer? Maybe she should get a real job.

“If you want your children to turn out ******, give them everything they want,” Judge Toler warns.

“Thank you, your honor,” Reid thinks he’s winning but then the Judge gives the kids to Aviva because she has been primary caretaker. If I were Reid, I’d suffer the financial consequences and run like ****. But I blogged “Real Housewives of New York” so I’ve seen this cray-cray ***** in action for too long. Those of you who are new to her haven’t even seen the half of it yet.

Syleena and Kiwane’s hearing didn’t even get started before Syleena was sobbing over losing her children.

“I cannot split my family up because that’s just not an option to me,” Syleena says.

“I don’t have a problem with her working. I have a problem with her being able to step back from work,” Kiwane sounds fair.

“If you’re going to take my kids, just shoot me right now,” Syleena sounds serious.

Custody goes to Kiwane because he’s the primary caregiver and Syleena leaves the room sobbing and says “she’s right” to Kiwane who follows to comfort her.

“Oftentimes things get really emotional during boot camp and when this happens, we like to give the couples a chance to work things out before Jim and I step in,” Elizabeth explains.

“The reality of my kids being taken from me means everything I’m doing is wrong,” Syleena admits.

“That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It just means you have to figure out what it is and fix it,” Jim explains to her.

“Divorce is not an option,” Syleena says afterwards. I believe her. And I think they’re the most solid couple in this program.

Speidi’s hearing was quick because they have zero ***ets and no children.

“Finances are definitely an issue in our relationship because I don’t currently have a job,” Spencer says. Btw, I totally agree with him that they should not be making babies if they can’t afford them. I’m not a Spencer fan but he seems to be the more financially responsible of this pair. Or financially-aware, at least.

“We can’t even walk down the street without her going up to every little baby and kid…” Spencer ******* to the judge.

“There’s really nothing between the two of them to split down the middle because they spent all their money on Heidi’s plastic surgeries,” Natalie snarks.

“Get the fairy dust out of your eyes,” Judge Toler tells Heidi. “You can’t hang onto something because you hope it’s gonna turn into something else.” In other words, he’s not making babies with you honey. Give it up.

Tyson and Rachel are a bigger joke because they’re not married and if they were, she’d have all the ***ets.

“Weddings are a waste of time and money,” Tyson says. Like he’d be paying for it. Bahaha!

“You didn’t say I love her. All you told me is she’s convenient,” Judge Toler calls him out.

“I could never love her more than she loves me,” Tyson says. Seriously? SERIOUSLY??? Girl, leave his ***.

“Did you hear that? She didn’t hear me,” Judge Toler is watching Rachel make excuses for this pathetic excuse for a boyfriend. Ugh.

“If you were my daughter we’d be in the woods and I’d be hitting you over the head with a stick,” Judge Toler tells her. “Right now, you got nothing,”

Spencer is happy to see Jim giving somebody else s**t when Jim tells Tyson Rachel is going to find another man.

“Since they’re not married, there’s not as much on the line for these two,” Jim says. He’s very nice. I’m going to translate that for the rest of us.

RUN RACHEL, RUN!!!!!!! This guys is an *****!!! You are a star. Get the **** away from him!

In the brief analysis afterwards the judge opines to Jim and Elizabeth that Spencer needs to “man up” and Rachel needs to dump Tyson. No duh.

At lunch, ***oon as Tyson leaves the table for the bathroom, everybody gangs up on Rachel telling her what a jerk Tyson is. First thing he does upon his return is accidentally dump a drink in her lap. And then they go off and have a fight. Here’s the thing – we all know he’s an ***** and she can do better. I just wish that Jim and Elizabeth would tell her that and send her home. Nothing would be lost by not having them here for the rest of “Marriage Boot Camp.”

“Tyson, the tribe has spoken, and the viewers think you’re an ***** and have extinguished your torch.” #JustSaying

So then they do the “Dying Breath” drill where half the couple pretends to be dead and the other half has to deal with it. This is really revealing because, every season, you find out who the cold-hearted *****s are during this drill.

The award for Ice Queen this season goes to Aviva (like you wondered). Frozen Husband from **** goes to Tyson. Who nobody should ever marry anyway.

“Spouses often have lists of complaints about their spouses,” Elizabeth explains that it gives perspective to have to consider what if – nobody lives forever, after all.

Syleena and Kiwane go first and they’re my faves so it was hard to watch. They have a solid, legit marriage that is struggling but I think they may be the couple most likely to come out of “Marriage Boot Camp” stronger.

“I’ll change me first because I know I’m part of the problem. I’ll do my best to understand and make this thing work,” Kiwane promises.

“Our family has got to come before anything else,” Syleena is planning to make some changes too.

When Spencer goes out and sees Heidi playing dead in the wrecked car, he can’t even fake like he gives a s**t. It’s sad to watch and I feel sorry for Heidi, although she’s clearly put herself in this situation and stayed.

“Heidi, I absolutely want to have children with you but I just don’t feel…” Spencer starts telling his dead wife.

Elizabeth interrupts and tells him to come from the heart. So he throws himself on Heidi and starts sobbing in this ridiculous fake way.

“Alright Spencer, you’re just playing us now,” Elizabeth has had enough.

“Well, I’d never text and drive,” Spencer is just taking it all as a joke. I wonder how the other campers feel about that.

“The problem is, he’s still 18. He’s still a kid,” Jim says. He’s still mentally at that age where we’re all indestructible and nothing like this could ever happen.

“I didn’t get anything out of the drill that I feel I can apply to us,” Spencer feels immortal. If he can’t see the value of understanding what it would mean to lose his spouse, then he doesn’t understand marriage.

“He loves her like a boy loves his mama,” Elizabeth says to Jim. I just think he loves himself.

Aviva and Reid was just as bad, or worse. Looks like high school acting. Aviva seems cold and insincere. Everyone can see it. Reid is about as warm back at her. All the love is gone in this marriage – that’s glaringly apparent. They’re together for the kids or the money, however you want to define it.

“Aviva, she’s the Housewife Terminator,” Spencer jokes. “She’s a cyborg.” ****, when Spencer calls you fake and he’s right, you are the worst. Cuz he’s the champ of fake and he knows.

Tyson seems freaky-detached from his playing-dead girlfriend in the crunched up car.

“You are not going anywhere,” Tyson tells her that whether they get married or not, she’s not leaving him. He doesn’t seem to get the point of the exercise – she’s already gone, buddy.

“I should have married you,” Tyson says. Well, that is certainly helpful now. Maybe you should have thought of that when she was alive.

Natalie, bad ***he may be, seems genuinely horrified to see Jacob playing dead.

“I’m so sorry Jake, and I love you so much. I hate when I say mean things to you and I’m so sorry,” Natalie got it this time. I REALLY think she did. Whether it will change her overall behavior is anybody’s guess, but I think she understood the underlying premise and I hope to see it reflected in future episodes.

Going into the evaluations at the end of the day, Jim Carroll seemed really disappointed in the results of the drills, but Elizabeth was more optimistic. Nobody enjoys evals though – except the viewers. LOL

Natalie and Jacob were up first.

“There are two distinct sides of Natalie. Today in divorce court we saw the bad girl… the bad girl part stems from fear,” Elizabeth says. I’m thinking she’s letting her off the hook kinda easy then I hear what Natalie has to say and groan.

“I’m not okay with what they’re saying. I’m being nice but you don’t want to see me start coming out because I don’t have any fear,” Natalie threatens in interview. Okay, so maybe I was wrong and she doesn’t “get it” after all.

Speidi’s evaluation by the directors was kinder than I would have been. Of course, they’re professionals.

“Spencer, you’ve been 18 long enough. You’re not going to the next level of adulthood,” Jim tells him.

Spencer actually seems to agree but blames it on leaving school young and being rewarded for bad behavior with fame and notoriety.

They tell Heidi she’s stunting Spencer’s growth and he’s not going to grow up overnight.

“If you don’t grow up, this thing is going to fall apart,” Jim says.

Syleena and Kiwane’s eval was pretty benign. She’s opening up and they’re making progress.

They tell Aviva and Reid there’s something deeper about their parenting issues here.

“In divorce court, neither of you became passionate til the children came up. In the dying breath drill, Aviva you reacted with complete shutdown. Almost emotionally comatose,” Elizabeth says. “And you know what, Reid met you in almost the same place… there is something deeper here.”

I don’t think Elizabeth has seen ALL the episodes of Aviva on “Real Housewives of New York” or she’d know what we all know. Aviva is bats**t nuts. So is her father. Dig that direction.

Tyson and Rachel are just a mess and we all know she should leave his *** (half the cast is already telling her this) but Jim and Elizabeth are there to try to help them so they probably can’t say what the rest of us are thinking.

“I can never love her more than she loves me but she’s always been willing to compromise and go with the flow…” Tyson tries to re-explain his hurtful comment about how Rac****oves him more than he loves her.

“The only thing worse than that is you’re probably right,” Elizabeth tells him.

“You’ve been holding back your love for so long by being shut down, it’s just a matter of letting that sucker out,” Jim encourages Tyson. He must see something in this guy that the rest of us are missing. For real.

The episode ends with some funny interview clips from the cast. Funny as in threatening and defensive and snarky.

“Elizabeth and Jim are trying to break us down. They are trying to dig so deep that it is probably going to get ugly. So I’m just giving everyone a heads up now that I can’t make any promises that I’m not going to act a fool in this house,” Natalie warns. Great. Again, she needs a reminder this isn’t “Bad Girls Club.”

“We love each other different,” Tyson defends his relationship with Rachel. Uh, yeah.

“I’ve got a few friends I could call and they’d be here in a minute and they’d marry Rachel on the spot,” Spencer jokes… and I’m going to give that “Best Line of the Night.”

Next week… the paintball drill. You know I’m not going to miss that. Just give me a paintball gun too!!! Please?

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