Recap: Ay Yi Yi, ‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ in Puerto Rico

lisa 4I have been a fan of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills since it started, and not just because my first blog ever published in The Huffington Post was a slam session on Pandora’s wedding invitations and “FabKevin,” the disappearing wedding planner.

These ladies, for the most part, just have a tad more class than my girlfriends in New Jersey and New York, and I find myself cringing a little less often. Besides, who doesn’t want to keep tabs on whether Kim’s wasted again (what is going on with that dog?) and whether Brandi can break any other part of her body and make it work like a fashion accessory?

Last night’s episode with the girls visiting Puerto Rico together was especially exciting to me because I live here. And you can see the El Conquistador hotel where they stayed from the beach on the north side of Vieques Island. So it feels like they made the show in my neighborhood and I can’t resist opening up my big mouth.

joyce dead dad
Seriously, when was the funeral?

Let’s start with asking the burning question: Who goes on a television vacation with a bunch of people she hardly knows right after her father dies? Seriously, when was the funeral? I got the impression Joyce wasn’t close to her father (based on her conversations with her mom) but still, it seems rather inappropriate. Especially considering the company she’s keeping. That whole welcome speech about it to her friends upon arrival in the San Juan airport seem disingenuous. And I like her. And not just cuz she’s Boricua (if you don’t know what that means, you also don’t know how to rock the tacos like Joyce – it’s a Puerto Rican thing).

But really Joyce, what were you thinking inviting Brandi along on the trip? Remember the night you got mistaken for Janet Jackson at Sur? The night Brandi and your husband were screaming at each other and she left hysterical and showed us her unfortunate lack of undergarments and calendar in the process. Do you really want to bring this group of people back to the island that you claim still shows you the same “love and support” it showed you when you were crowned Miss Puerto Rico back in 1998? Do you really think Puerto Rico needs Brandi wandering loose? Think of your people, Joyce! Btw, LOVED the story about your mother not understanding your husband’s accent when they first met. Classic.

Brandi, you’re not a fine girl…

On a more serious note, why would Brandi even want to go along on a trip to Joyce’s homeland? She refused to call her by the right name for the first half of the season. She even said Joyce was a “fat girl’s name,” knowing Joyce is actually sensitive about it.

And Brandi’s formerly biggest defender, Lisa Vanderpump, has had it with Brandi’s s**t. Brandi was happy to bask in the glow of Lisa’s approval in prior seasons, but the minute that Lisa starts calling her out on her bulls**t, Brandi flips on her. And Brandi is bored and has plenty of time to make trouble to keep herself entertained. Seriously. Lisa described it as befriending the “underdog” and getting bitten. Hey Brandi – Lisa just called you a “dog.” Bahahahaha!

Maybe before Brandi gets all bitchy with Lisa about being bossy, she oughta go watch herself on the earlier episodes this season. Is she proud of her temper tantrum when Lisa tried to take away a bottle of wine on their first trip? I don’t know why Lisa even bothers. There’s a Mean Girls gang-up going on here and neither money nor class are going to save Lisa’s ass this time. The question is, has Lisa been causing trouble all along and getting away with it, or are Yolanda and Brandi stirring a pot and creating a big pile of s**t for Lisa to defend?

Best quote of the night came from Brandi, explaining that she needs to bring her A-game to deal with Lisa – “No cocktails for me.” Ahem, I call bulls**t again. How long did that last? Maybe til lunch. This group of women can’t spend that much time together without alcohol or psychotropic meds.

Who the f**k appointed Yolanda the great peacemaker? She admits she has personal issues with Lisa, and then turns around and designates herself the person who should approach Lisa regarding Lisa’s problems with Brandi and Kyle… It’s funny, but neither Brandi nor Kyle have ever had a problem standing up for themselves in the past.

Yolanda is a sweet, sympathetic character with her Lyme disease and lemon trees, but I sense something really sneaky and manipulative beneath the surface. She’s enjoying lecturing Lisa about other’s people’s problems with Lisa. Mind your own damned business Yolanda! YOU DON’T EVEN GO TO THIS SCHOOL!

She was right in saying “sometimes you have to have a heart to heart with your friends,” but that’s not what was going on. Yolanda’s poking her nose in where it doesn’t belong, and she’s been asking manipulative questions of all the girls whenever she gets alone time with them since she first appeared on the show. I want to like her but I definitely don’t trust her. Her daughter is gorgeous. Just had to say that.

lisa beach
I’m busy! mmmmKay?

When Lisa walked away on the beach, they made it like she was refusing to talk with her friends, but I think it was a smart move in the moment. She’s above engaging in the screaming matches her friends so enjoy although she isn’t immune to getting sucked into one. I think she was just trying to put the kibosh on something before it got ugly (it got ugly later anyway).

Ken and Yolanda’s argument was ridiculous too because obviously your husband is going to speak up for you when you’re being attacked by five other women in front of television cameras. David would have done the same for Yolanda. Love the way that Brandi’s turned the whole group upside down with the magazine in the bag story, but nobody’s asking Brandi why she had the magazines in the first place? Is she tracking her own media or making sure her leaks make it into the tabloids? Hmm… Maybe that’s just the top reading level she can handle for news.

Lisa is busy running multiple businesses and filming two television shows and you can tell she’s about had it with the bulls**t factor of the Housewives she’s forced to hang around with to stay in production. She tried to help Brandi and has clearly given up. She has a whole crew of walking disasters at Sur to contemplate, why waste energy on somebody on a downward spiral like Brandi? Would Lisa ever hang out with this crew out of choice? I know she knew some of them pre-RHOBH, but would they have ever chosen each other as friends without BravoTV? And does spending hundreds of hours together in production actually make you “friends” or isn’t there a more stringent criteria?

I’m related to people other than Paris you know…

So classic when Kim was yelling at the Vanderpumps for missing her daughter’s graduation party (they had claimed a business obligation but wasn’t Kim really AWOL for a whole chunk of the first few seasons?) and Ken came at her about missing Pandora’s wedding (Kim says she was moving that day). Who is keeping score here folks? Does production remind you to be pissed off about these things every so often to keep things interesting or are you all really that petty? I love it when Ken loses his cool. He’s all sweet and quiet and then when he pops his cork, he bounces around like a madman. Fabulous!

I think a friendship between Lisa and Kyle is threatening to the rest of the women and that’s why they’re all working so hard to tear down any chance of reconciliation, whether they collectively realize it or not. Together, Lisa and Kyle are powerful and can call the shots. Kim won’t get away with bulls**t because even if her sister pretends nothing’s wrong, Lisa will call a duck a “duck.” Remember when Kim was all trashed on their European trip post-rehab and making no sense on the balcony? Kyle just looked away. Kim likes it that way. Lisa’s a problem for her.

Brandi knows she’s being replaced by Kyle if she and Lisa make up (but isn’t that what Brandi did to Kyle with Lisa originally, sort of?) and she’ll do anything to drive a wedge in between them. But ohhhh the drama. In interview, Brandi says of Kyle that “Lisa wants to take her f**king down… Kyle needs to know the truth.” And then later on in interview, Brandi is whining “I never even got to speak to Lisa about my issues” and telling Lisa before dinner than she doesn’t know what’s going on. Wahhhh!

And all that crap Brandi brought up with Lisa about Scheana was totally bizarre. Do these women have to have all their serious conversations at awkward and public times? Although I agree Lisa could have used more discretion over the past few seasons in staffing Scheana when Brandi was on the guest list, I’m certain the production company encourages it. Besides, why shouldn’t Lisa be able to staff whomever she pleases? If I were Brandi, I’d look down my nose at Scheana and ignore her. Lisa’s weird attempts to put those two together in earlier seasons should have clued Brandi in that Lisa isn’t her bestie. Lisa is looking out for Lisa. If you watched that scene with her and Ken, you realized who Lisa’s bff has been all along. She doesn’t need any of these women.

kyle shocked
Where there’s smoke…

Kyle is in a s**tty position. She doesn’t KNOW for certain that gorgeous hubby isn’t cheating on her because it keeps popping up over and over again. Where there’s smoke… At the same time, outward appearances are all sunshine and roses in their household. Complete with Kyle getting all over Carlton for being anti-Semitic a couple of episodes ago, because she’s converted for Mauricio and takes it all very, very seriously.

Kim is right there reinforcing that Lisa is evil because Kim wants to redirect that attention away from herself. She’s been the bad one for too long, and now that the sympathy grandfather clause is up, she needs insurance that Kyle’s attention and ire is directed elsewhere in case she f**ks up again.

Kyle’s still wondering what went down with the crown ring that she tried to give Carlton last week, and the nasty reaction she got to what was intended as a nice gesture. Lisa’s gotta start watching her snarky little asides because they’re getting her in trouble. As my husband would say, “she gives no f**ks whatsoever.” But that attitude was catching up with her last night in Puerto ‘Rico. Lisa can either keep her mouth shut and appear sophisticated and more mature than the rest of them, or she can tell them what’s she’s thinking and seem like a witch with the way she shuts them down.

Or she can teach Lisa to take out her aggressions in her custom-built BDSM room

Speaking of witches, Carlton’s absence was felt in Puerto Rico! She could have sided with Lisa and worked up a spell to give Brandi and Yolanda really bad sunburn the next day. According to several of the other Housewives, Carlton is already casting evil spells on their spouses and screensavers. Imagine how much havoc she could have wreaked on my beautiful island!

The teaser for next week shows her sympathizing with Lisa (thank God somebody is) so maybe they can burn some good juju candles together or something. Or she can teach Lisa to take out her aggressions in her custom-built BDSM room. Either way, I’m not missing it.

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