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Recap: BravoTV’s “Below Deck” Broken Whiskey Bottle Edition

Kat Held on Below Deck
Kat Held on Below Deck

I think a lot of last season’s viewers tuned back in to BravoTV’s “Below Deck” tonight for the highly anticipated return of last season’s star, Adrienne Gang. And she did not disappoint. Upon seeing her on the beach, Eddie simply turned and ran away, jumped back in the tender and went back to the boat. No way was he hanging around on that beach with Adrienne and Kat. It was funny as shit!

But Adrienne is back as an invited guest of the primary charter guest Bev, so the crew has to suck it up. She’s in port on her own charter and she’s hanging with the Ohana’s guests for the day. And she’s mad curious about the new crew. The guests start filling her in, and then it gets interesting.

She’s surprised to hear that Amy and Kat are working together because of a story she heard about how Kat got drunk and gave Amy’s love interest a blow job while Amy was knocked out on pain meds after dental surgery. Apparently, Amy caught them. I’d say she was lucky because NOBODY wants to accidentally get Kat’s sloppy seconds.

Adrienne shares this little tidbit with Bev and her friends, and predictably, Kat finds out and freaks out.

Here’s the thing – I can understand why Kat is upset, but I cannot tolerate her behavior or lack of professionalism in the wake of it. She screamed in front of the guests. She asked Bev not to bring Adrienne back to the yacht. She got abso-fucking-lutely shitfaced while she was ashore, even if production didn’t show us that.

“That’s not very nice of you to say behind my back,” Kat screams at Adrienne as if she isn’t surrounded by charter guests and the general public on the beach at the bar.

“I don’t know if it’s true, maybe I was black-out drunk and it did happen,” Kat admits. Wow.

“I apologize for offending your delicate sensibilities, Kat,” Adrienne says. Which is laughable because, as we all know, Kat hasn’t got any sensibilities at all. She’s nuts. And an alcoholic if she really blacks out that frequently.

I think Adrienne just wanted her to chill out so that Bev and the rest of her group could have a good time and not have to deal with drama from the crew of the Ohana, but that wasn’t going to happen. That’s the thing about this season – all the crew drama that happened “below deck” last season is playing out in a way that affects the trip for the charter guests this season.

It was so incredibly obvious that Kat was wasted when Eddie came back to get them, and she seemed trashed through the entire dinner service. If you don’t want people to believe those sorts of stories about you, you shouldn’t act like a drunken idiot on the job in front of cameras. Oh, and you shouldn’t admit that you’ve blown a lot of guys when you were blacked out.

“Amy’s my least favorite person at the moment,” Kat tells Eddie as she’s loading gear into the boat. And she’s seems pretty drunk. She sketches out the gist of things for Eddie. “And to be honest with you I didn’t even know I did this.” Not a good sign, Kat. But look at the bright side, now you know why Amy hates you. Bahahaha!

Captain Lee seems happy to see Adrienne when she arrives on the boat, but he’s not a happy camper overall with this group of guests. They’re a little crass. They’re a lot drunk. Some of them are being lewd and tacky. But the network’s teasers that made it look like Adrienne was in the middle of some whacky lesbian orgy were way overblown. She and Bev posed for a “scissoring” pic as a joke (fully clothed) in response to jokes about their charter last season.

Everyone on her crew called Adrienne a lesbian last season for having fun with Bev’s group. True life: Adrienne has said she thinks it’s funny and couldn’t care less what people think, but she’s upset that people used the word “lesbian” about her like it was a bad thing. By the way, she’s not a lesbian. She’s engaged to a hot guy named Derek who is about 10 feet tall and is definitely not a woman.

Anyway, the picture was a joke and production edited it to look much worse in the teasers. That said, the group was pretty out of control but Adrienne was not. She was pretty quiet at dinner, actually.

What made me sad was the way Ben acted happy to see her and then talked shit behind her back. He’s so fake. She obviously had no clue he disliked her so intensely or she wouldn’t have kept slipping into the galley to visit with him.

“I knew she’d weasel her way into this,” Ben is so bitter she’s on the yacht for dinner. What did Adrienne ever do to him?

Captain Lee looked more miserable at dinner than he did on the first charter when all those older southern women were showing him their cleavages. I thought maybe it was because they seated him next to the dog, but in retrospect, that was probably a bonus.

“I’m mortified at their behavior. Somebody should be embarrassed,” Lee says. He’s not talking about his canine dinner partner.

“I would rather drag my dick through 10 miles of broken whiskey bottles than have these assholes on my boat again,” the captain says in interview. Yowsers. Lee doesn’t usually talk like that.

Kate doesn’t like these guests either, but lesbi-honest (pun intended), she hasn’t liked any of the guests so far so she gets wayyy less sympathy than Captain Lee.

“I’ve waited on some assholes, but they were classy assholes. Classholes.” Kate has called guests trashy, classless, terrorists and assholes so far this season. Gee, I wish I could afford to be a guest on a boat she’s in charge of – NOT.

Meanwhile, Kate isn’t having enough fun disrespecting the guests anymore so she’s formed a #MeanGirls club with Kat against Amy. Amy? For real? She’s the only nice steward on the boat. But Kat told Kate that Amy had run her mouth and that’s how the story got out about the blow job and so she doesn’t want to deal with her co-worker anymore. Kate’s sympathetic to Kat most likely because she’s given her fair share of black-out blowjobs. The rest of us… not so much.

Any other professional supervisor would have told Kat to clean up her shitty attitude and sober up, but not Kate. She decides to take it out on Amy instead. Because clearly, Amy’s the horrible one who forced Kat to behave like a big slut on some charter years ago. Because, obviously, Kat doesn’t still behave like a big slut all of the time so that was an aberration. Oh wait, Kat can’t keep her clothes on and likes to make animal noises for an audience. I’d say Amy is the aggrieved party here, not Kat.

Amy tries to talk to Kate once things slow down after dinner but she doesn’t get the reception from her boss that she expected, at all.

“I just need to talk this out with my chief stew,” Amy asks Kate to sit down and talk to her but Kate prefers to stand. Amy tells her it was upsetting to overhear Kate and Kat talking about her.

“I’m not going to let you be like this right now…. We weren’t talking about you.” Kate lies to her face. She’s good at that. Lie and deny, Kate – isn’t that how you explained it a couple of episodes ago?

“Amy’s upset, I get it. But we need to shut it down because we’re on charter,” Kate says. Just like Kate shut it down when she was pissed at a guest and made a penis blanket on his bed? What a hypocrite! At least Amy’s issue is with a member of the crew and not a paying guest.

“Here’s my chief stew who I thought we were really good friends. Where’s your soul? I’m like dying here… you’re seeing me upset and you’re not even like ‘girl it’s going to be okay,” Amy is devastated and in tears from the way Kate talked to her. So, of course, she goes and finds her brother for a good cry. He’s conveniently located and she’s feeling seriously outnumbered.

Adrienne Gang leaves the boat before dessert because she’s gotta be back at work on her own yacht the next morning and she’s polite and thanks Ben on her way out. He’s fake, as expected.

“Cheers for the visit Adrienne, now piss off,” he says after she’s gone.

Meanwhile, the party is just getting going with Bev’s guests. Lots of spills and breakage (maybe they should start using acrylic beverageware like we do at weddings with pool decks) – the drunks cannot seem to hold onto a glass.

“It looks like a mega yacht but really it’s a circus,” Kate and Kat start making circus music, but it’s really not funny. It’s a total circus Kate and they’re your monkeys and you’re not managing them very well. Bad Ringmaster!

Nor is it funny when Kat slams into her room and turns on all the lights, waking up roommate Amy at 3 a.m. No surprise, the first thing Kat does the next morning is get permission to switch rooms with Jennice. I don’t really get this – why should Jennice have to move and give the single room to Kat? Just so she and Ben don’t spooge in any more of the guests’ cabins? I guess at least this way they can make animal noises in her cabin instead of where paying guests will have to sleep.

I was howling when they couldn’t get the guests off the boat on the last morning. I know that feeling – I’ve literally pulled charter flights out of thin air to get wedding guests off my island when they’ve missed the ferry. At that point, nice people or not, you just want them gone. But this group of charter guests has been a bit of a nightmare so not being ready to roll out – even after they’ve been granted a late checkout – is a holy nightmare to the entire crew.

“Come one o’clock, come hell or high water, they will be off this boat,” Captain Lee declares.

“Look Beverly, this is not the hotel, this is not the motel, and this is not Holiday Inn… you have got to go. Get you, your shit and your dog and get out of here,” even Amy snarks on her way to get Beverly up and moving.

To make that happen, Kate and Amy actually have to go into Bev’s room, wake her up and pack her dirty clothes for her. Apparently some of the guest partied until after eight in the morning so 1 p.m. has come a bit too early for them. Kate and Amy slam all the clothing and everything else into Bev’s suitcases as fast as they can while the rest of the crew works together (much better than usual) to haul all the luggage off the boat as fast as possible.

“And maybe if you’d been a little bit nicer during the trip, I’d would do everything I could to help you. But you weren’t. So I’m not,” Kate says. Of course, this doesn’t say anything about these charter guests because she pretty much feels the same way about all of them by the end of every cruise.

But wow, just last week we were watching the captain and Ben and Kate talking excitedly about what great guests Bev’s crew would be. So much has changed in 72 hours.

Everyone is disappointed by the $1,000 per person tip – which isn’t really that bad considering the length of the charter.

“We get the smallest tip of the season and now I believe my dignity is not worth as much as I thought it was,” Kat says. That doesn’t even make sense. I mean, we know what she meant, but she doesn’t articulate very well. She’s better at using her mouth for other things.

Captain Lee gives the crew the night off and we get to see Jennice pretty much getting dumped via Skype by her boyfriend. He tells her that he’s not coming to meet up with her when he gets back to the states. Kelley is watching and listening in on the whole thing. I bet he’s going to wish that Amy hadn’t been nasty to Jennice earlier in the cruise, warning her that she was never going to find another man like her brother. But whatever, they’re all adults and Kelley is totally hot. So maybe that will still work out.

Teasers show that Amy’s working on her own love life next charter with the hot new deckhand, Logan. They’re having a little alone time in the hot tub when Kat shows up not looking terribly happy. I think she thinks she already staked her territory when he walked onto the boat. She called him “one hot son-of-a-bitch” when she saw him.

And then they show the boat running into something, or something running into the yacht – it’s not clear – and mad chaos above deck. Too bad Adrienne Gang isn’t going to be there. Seems just the mere appearance of her is enough to throw the entire “circus” on its ear. Bet she’s glad they’re not her monkeys this season.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone

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