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Below Deck recap: The Nico hits on everyone but Lauren edition

A seriously inebriated Nico hits on Emily after being snubbed by Sierra on the latest Below Deck
A seriously inebriated Nico hits on Emily after being snubbed by Sierra on the latest Below Deck

And it was another lovely day in the Caribbean with the slightly twisted crew of BravoTV’s Below Deck this week.

When we left them, Ben had made Sierra cry in the kitchen, and she wanted to leave because she couldn’t deal the negative energy.

And I was mocking her for it.

The next morning, Sierra Storm calls her mommy to boohoo. Shades of Rocky Dakota? Where do they find these girls? Are these real names? #stuffyoucantmakeup

Meanwhile, the entire boat is a raging hormone inferno, and something bad is going to happen.

Lauren has a crush on Nico. Nico is crushing on Emily. Kelley is also crushing on Emily. Nico works for Kelley. Nico works with Lauren. And he has no clue that Lauren is falling for him. This is not good.

“It’s become like a brother/sister bond,” is how Nico describes his relationship with Lauren. It seems like everybody but Lauren knows Nico has put her in the “friend zone”.

In a new low for even this show, the trashy charter guests want to have their chests and backs waxed on the boat.

And Kate just happened to have a commercial-sized container of wax? I call bulls**t. That was entirely production making stupid s**t happen.

A guy with a gorilla-like hairy back insists on having his back waxed, too. Just watching these fools makes me feel smarter.

“We’re going to need more wax,” Kate says.

“Emily, can we see your V?” one of the male guests asks. Ew. Time to switch up the service staff on deck.

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But he’s not just a perv to Emily. When Kate’s offering them different wine to try, she gets her chance.

“I’ll try you, too” mister pervy guest says. Ick! These charter guests are seriously crass. #NewMoney

Sierra’s working the late shift, and she warns Nico to be prepared to rescue her if she radios him that “the zucchinis are burning”.

“Please keep your zucchini away from my oven,” Kate says. Well put.

Before the charter ends, Kate laminates the chest hair on the wax strip.

“We’re going to present it to our guests,” Sierra says.

“Do it after the tip,” Ben cautions them, half serious.

Fortunately, despite their lack of class, this charter tips well. The guests hand Captain Lee the biggest bag of money I’ve ever seen on an episode of Below Deck — $2,000 per crew member for three days of work.
Wow. I’m in the wrong career field.

And then Captain Lee makes a big mistake. He gives them shore leave for the night. And s**t starts going wrong, almost immediately.

Captain Lee announces that a new deckhand is coming to replace Trevor. And the next charter is a blended family, and appears to be easy.

“We’ve got no weirdos,” Captain Lee says.

“They’re not gluten free. They’re not lactose-intolerant,” Ben is relieved.

“No matter what, they’re better than the last group,” Kate says.

Kate is babbling to Ben about her girlfriend — ya know, the one she allegedly beat up and bit, a few weeks after the show wrapped.

Competition for Emily starts when the crew boards the tender to shore.

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“Nico’s coming in hot,” Kelley says he’s the tortoise, and Nico’s the hare, in the race for Emily.

Lauren pouts, visibly, through dinner while Nico and Kelley compete for Emily’s attention. And she tells anybody who will listen how Nico is breaking her heart. Nico, for his part, is getting dangerously drunk.

“Let’s make bad decisions,” Kate jokes as they head out after dinner.

Nico can tell Lauren is pissed, and he has to ask Ben why.

“I feel so bad for her that I don’t have those feelings. And the last thing I want to do is hurt her,” Nico says, when he gets clued in.

Kelley sends Nico out to fix things with Lauren, who is sitting alone outside the bar, refusing to come in. And he moves in on Emily.

This is like watching 8th graders, with booze.

Kelley tells Emily that Nico’s “got a girl”. Sierra confirms it. Emily disapproves.

When they get back to the boat, Nico goes into Sierra’s cabin, kills the lights, and kisses her. She tosses him out, and she goes and tells Kate.

“I think he’s just confused,” Sierra says, laughing.

“I find you so attractive,” Nico goes trolling into Emily’s cabin, with Sierra’s spit still on his lips. Emily shuts him down.

The next morning, Nico looks like an idiot.

“Yeah, I tried making out with everyone,” Nico tells Kelley. Not true. Everyone but Lauren.

Sierra tells Emily about the kiss. Everybody is just groaning. How many times have I said these people shouldn’t go ashore and drink?

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“I told him off for trying to kiss her after he kissed me,” Sierra says.

“He’s just not the guy I thought he was,” Lauren dodged a bullet.

The new deckhand, Kyle, arrives, and he’s impossible to understand. If that’s a British accent, it’s an unintelligible dialect.

“I can barely understand one word he says, and I’m from England,” Ben jokes, but he’s not kidding.

The new charter guests arrive, and they’re more interested in drinking than anything else.

In fact, Kate’s horrified by the amount of drinking going on by the primaries’ daughters right in front of their parents.

Then the new guy dislocates his shoulder. His first day. This might be a new record for the shortest career stay on BravoTV.

Next week’s teasers show Kelley’s busier flirting than working, and Captain Lee’s getting pissed off.

Oh, and the exceptionally drunk charter guests are going to get a rough tubing ride that doesn’t appear to end well.

And there’s going to be a lovey-dovey visit from Kate’s girlfriend, before Kate allegedly bit her and ended up being arrested a few weeks later, of course. Not going to miss that.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, more

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