In her new book, Teen Mom OG star Amber Portwood detailed “harsh and disturbing visions” she suffered following the birth of her son, James, and her suicide attempt as a preteen.
Amber Portwood is one of the original cast members from the Teen Mom franchise, joining 16 and Pregnant in 2009, before graduating to Teen Mom OG.
Teen Mom OG viewers watched Amber’s tumultuous past unfold on TV, including the infamous scene in which she physically attacked her baby daddy, Gary Shirley, and served jail time as a result. Amber has also struggled with drug abuse and mental illness, and her actions have cost her custody of her daughter, Leah.
Lately, the 31-year-old mom of two has been promoting her latest book, So, You’re Crazy Too?, ahead of its February 22 release date.
In an excerpt obtained by The Sun, Amber detailed the “harsh and disturbing visions” she experienced while battling postpartum psychosis and recounted her suicide attempt at 11.
According to Amber, fearing she would miscarry, she stopped taking her anxiety medication during pregnancy. Six months after the birth of her son James (whom she shares with ex Andrew Glennon), her anxiety and depression reared their ugly heads once again.
After the “happiness of giving birth to this perfect child began to subside, my old feelings of depression and anxiety came roaring back,” Amber wrote.
Teen Mom OG star Amber Portwood details ‘blackouts and disturbing visions’ following son James’ birth
She detailed the scary ordeal: “When my son was six months old, I started having some quick blackouts and visions that I had never had before. I was lying on my bed with my son and his dad, and I had my son on my outstretched legs. Nothing stressful was occurring; it was actually a rare quiet moment for all of us.”
Amber explained that she saw things that weren’t there, sharing, “Suddenly, I had a series of really harsh and disturbing visions. That’s when I started to realize something new and frightening was happening to me.”
“It is so hard to tell reality from fantasy when I am having a vision,” Amber continued. “I became really scared that something was going to go wrong in real life when I was caring for my son.”
Amber Portwood tried to end her own life at age 11
In another excerpt from Amber’s book, the Teen Mom Family Reunion star talked about trying to take her own life as a preteen.
“I first tried to kill myself when I was eleven years old,” Amber admitted. “The truth is, I don’t know why I did it; I was probably too young to know.”
Although Amber didn’t realize it at the time, she now knows that she had a mental illness from a young age. The MTV star recently revealed during an episode of TMFR that her younger sister died of SIDS when Amber was just 5, resulting in emotional wounds.
“I woke up on the floor. I don’t know how much time had passed, but I was in terrible pain. My side and my neck were hurting very badly. I just felt like I didn’t want to live anymore. As I look back now, it is clear I was already suffering from mental illness.”
Sadly, Amber explained, “At the time it just felt like heaviness and, as such a small child without the wisdom of age and desperately looking for a solution to the problem, hanging myself seemed like the only way out. I just wanted the pain to end.”
Lately, Amber has been making strides in an effort to improve her relationship with her eldest child, daughter Leah, 13. Amber’s ex Gary Shirley has custody of Leah which has made it hard to forge a relationship with her daughter.
However, Amber recently shared that she and Leah “actually talk now.” Although Amber and Leah have been working through their issues, Amber still struggles with the after-effects and admitted during a recent episode of TMFR that she doesn’t consider herself a good mom.
Teen Mom Family Reunion airs on Tuesday nights at 8/7c on MTV.