Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Bachelorette, Season 17, Episode 7, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
So I have a really good joke for you guys: A Virgin gets invited to go on a date with a “sex-positive” girl to go “cuddle” in the woods, and as he’s starting to feel a little frisky, what does he say? “You remind me of my mom.”
Okay, so that wasn’t really a joke. That actually happened tonight on The Bachelorette, and it’s no surprise there – Mike the Virgin went home.
Who else went home? Well, I can tell you that Blake Moynes stayed over Andrew S.
Andrew S. The man who gave Katie a note “If you change your mind – I’ll be waiting.” The man Katie did, in fact, chase down because perhaps she did “change her mind,” but then he decided it was better to go home, after all.
Ah, it’s all kook-koo here in New Mexico. So pour a champs – because we still have Grippo and Michael A. here. And let’s recap.
And just like that – we have our Hometown Four
So, if you have done the math so far, our Hometown Four left standing after tonight are: Greg Grippo, Michael A., Horny Moynes, and Facial Expressions for Days Justin.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Greg Grippo gets another one-on-one
Greg Grippo got the second one-on-one (just as superfan Hunter predicted), and he landed this date OVER two guys who haven’t even had a single one-on-one with our girl (Virgin Mike and that guy with the poofy hair – Brendan). I mean, I can’t say I’m surprised. Katie’s chemistry with Greg is undeniable, plus they match on every single date they go on.
Being that we are in barren New Mexico at a resort reminding me all too much of Claire’s La Quinta, what is there to do but catch fish at a fake Seattle fish market! And true to Katie and Greg, it’s all very cutesy, versions of “I love you” are thrown around like the fish, and Greg, seeing rain for the first time in his life, gives us this total Notebook moment:
Now that’s all well and good, you say, but what about that other guy we love so much? Michael A. the dad??
Understandably, with Hometowns just around the corner, Michael A. is wondering how Katie will stack up as a mom and whether she is seriously ready to meet his family.
But on the group date, rest assured, Katie tells Michael “we will figure it out, love is all that matters,” and hey, I’ll buy the juice boxes! Heeeyyyyyyy!!!
This is all music to Michael’s ears, and thank the Lord, he got that group date rose. But this is somewhat bittersweet for me because I just feel like Katie is going to go with Greg and Michael A. really is too good for Bachelor Nation – I don’t care how amazing of a Bachelorette Katie has been — he just is.
At some point, poofy-haired Brendan also went home and his goodbye was just about as unforgettable as he has been this entire season. The remarkable thing was that he frantically applied chapstick before knocking on her hotel room door, I guess because he thought he was going to make out with Katie (?), but, alas, she sent him home.
Mike the Virgin cuddles with someone other than his mom
So, onto Mike the Virgin – who got that other one-on-one. Oh, poor Mike the Virgin. First, the group date where they had to talk about their favorite sexual positions. And now he is resorted to cuddling in the woods as he’s watched by some “Cuddle Queen” named Jean.
As if that wasn’t weird enough, Mike begins comparing “nurturing” Katie to his “nurturing” mom, aaaaaaaand:
Katie decided her fun with Virgin time was over and sent the poor guy home. He kept it classy and I hope they go easy on him in Paradise.
Andrew S. drops a note after Katie drops him
So now we still have Andrew S. left. And I have some mixed emotions about this one. So Andrew S. gets eliminated during the rose ceremony because I have to assume Katie is just all too curious about Fantasy Suite time with Horny Moynes.
And, yeah, Justin over Andrew was kind of an interesting call, but even more interesting was this note Andrew leaves Katie, saying “If you change your mind … I’ll be waiting.”
Katie reads it, weeps, and flies out of her room like a banshee!
She paces the lobby, “where is he?!” “WHERE IS HE?!?” Katie shouts his name and runs to him … for a hug.
THEN, she asks him, “if there is some sort of way you could stay, would you?” to which I yell at my TV: “THIS IS YOUR BIG MOMENT, ANDREW!”
But Andrew is all “well I’m hurt in this moment” so when I said ‘I’ll be waiting,’ you see, I didn’t really mean that. Or at least not here in this place. You see, Katie, I came in fifth place, and I know my worth. So catch me outside if you’re still single, but chances are, I will have found a new girlfriend in Paradise.
So that about does it, my Rose-Lovers. Next week is the Men Tell All! In the meantime, I leave you with this video of just about every cute Greg Grippo moment that ever did exist. Enjoy!
The Bachelorette airs on Monday nights at 8/7c on ABC.