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The Bachelorette Red Wine Recap: Just rip me to shreds and throw me into a Men Tell All, why don’t ya

Michael A. self-evicted last night on The Bachelorette, leaving us all broken-hearted at The Men Tell All. Pic credit: ABC

Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Bachelorette, Season 17, Episode 8, The Men Tell All, with a little help from a glass of chardonnay (or two) …

Oh my friends – where oh where to begin. I felt like after this Men Tell All, my heart and emotions were put into a blender, and ABC made a Lizzie smoothie out of them! Talk about a full episode!

Now normally, I don’t look forward to a Men Tell All … but something about this one was different.

From Michael A.’s painful goodbye, to Tayshia and Kaitlyn speaking the most they have all season, and to a “plant” in the audience transforming Connor B’s kissing skills – I’m exhausted, but in like the best way possible. That, or I just had way too much Chardonnay.

So grab your tissues and ukuleles if you got ’em, and let’s recap.

Michael A.’s gut-wrenching goodbye – “I’m leaving because my son needs his dad.”

Oh, friends. Oh, friends. This was something wasn’t it. The whole scene, my jaw was to the floor, my insides were torn, my mind was buzzing on how I could freeze time for Michael and Katie, and in the end, I realized I had angrily consumed an entire bag of Lays and half a bottle of Chard.

We begin the scene with Michael A. calling up his “buddy,” his son, James. And James drops a bomb in the form of parental guilt heard ’round the world.

Ouch. Pic credit: ABC

After promising the boy a full week vacation after daddy gets done with this “work trip,” (objective: find mommy), James throws out “maybe daddy left because he don’t wanna see me.”

This clearly devastates Michael, and I get it, Michael, I get it. That’s the worst (even though you’re like the best dad ever), we get it – go home.

But it’s like don’t go home. Stay there. Freeze time or something. I’m coming up with a plan. Bachelor Nation collectively needs you to somehow marry our girl Katie, be the next Bachelor, AND go home to your son. Guys, is this possible??

I feel that, sister. Pic credit: @girrrrrlbye/Twitter

Katie rubs salt in all our wounds when she tells him, “I know it would have worked and I saw us in the end.”

Ugh. So tell me why again Katie can’t just pull a Clare and end this thing now?!? You mean to tell me she’s going to go with Horny Moynes?! And yeah, we still have lovable Greg here, and Justin is still just as shocked as all of us that he’s still here but man. Michael A. would give Katie a forever love and I find myself reciting Katie and Michael’s mantra (yes, they had one) that “if love exists, it will find a way.”

Okay, rant over. I’m officially done.

Onto the Men Tell All!

Guess we just move on, ladies! WWCD (What Would Chris Do)? Pic credit: ABC

But hey, we still have this whole Men Tell All thing and we are all supposed to just pick up our broken pieces and carry on like that whole thing didn’t happen.

Tayshia and Kaitlyn are stunning in their cranberry outfits and they’re a little scripted (okay, a lot scripted), but it’s like eh, we still kinda like them.

Okay, in fact, I actually kinda love them when they show us their bloopers going “cling cling clink” with their champagne glasses, and with every clink, my heart did sink for Chris, and is this thing done now because I know my Chard is about to be.

via GIPHY

The times Kaitlyn allowed herself to break free from the script was when she was talking to Michael A. because just this guy’s presence demands genuineness. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure we’ve never seen Michael A. and Jesus in the same room together. I’m just saying.

Michael A. makes us all want to be better humans, and then we have Katie, who makes all these men want to be better men. And that is pure facts, making this truly a great season.

Bromances and Connor B.’s new lady?

Even Karl is joining in on the bromance song, even though he is not actually a part of said “bromance.” Pic credit: ABC

Connor B. captures all the men’s adoration for Katie (and each other) in a song, and I’ll give it to him – it was good, even though I was a little worried at first.

And speaking of Connor B., I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about what I presume had to be a “plant” in the audience. She interrupted Kaitlyn and Tayshia when they were asking Connor about his bad kissing skills and planted her lips on him! He admitted he had already checked out the makeup free-lassie in the audience, I think he got her number, and all the men cheered on their lovable mascot furry friend.

Now I’m not sure about this girl who curiously sported an ear-piece, or even her future relationship with Connor B. for that matter, but oh how I love a good bromance. But the question remains:

WHO THE HECK IS KYLE?!? Pic credit: @mandcreality/Twitter

So that is it my friends. Next week looks intense with Grippo crying, Katie threatening to leave, and Justin still in wonderment of how he made it to hometowns.

And with that, I leave you with a video of Michael A.’s goodbye in case you weren’t already torn to shreds.

‘Til next week, Rose Lovers!

The Bachelorette airs on Monday nights at 8/7c on ABC.

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