Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Bachelor Season 24, Episode 12, the Season Finale Part 2, with a little help from a
glass bottle of pinot (or two)…
Hey guys, you know that thing that people do when they’re like super nice and forgiving, all the while, forgetting to set straight-up evil in evil’s place?
Yeah, I know there’s a thing called the “high road” and all, but sometimes, you just gotta go rogue and detour to the highway to hell. Otherwise, the delusions of the evil ones will endure, and, if I’m just being frank, it ain’t right.
It’s Bachelor finale time
Hey guys, welcome to the Bachelor Finale, Part 2 recap! Where things should be full of roses, wine toasts, and escapes from reality!
But this recapper is deflated, pissed even!
And the last thing she wanna do is a smiley about-face from the wretched-ness she just endured and get excited for Claire Crawley and relive her telling off Juan Pablo 40 years ago.
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And, Claire, don’t think I didn’t see you chumming it up with Peter’s mom while the credits rolled, okay.
You could have had a moment and set her straight. But, instead, you acted like her new BFF, and God only knows what seeds she was planting in your head.
BACKBONES, PEOPLE! Is there a shortage around here!?!?!
I’m at a loss, guys. I had a whole recap full of notes that I copiously took as the episode went on, but looking at them now, they just don’t feel right.
Not with an elephant named Barb, who squatted in my living room for the last hour and 40 minutes and all.
Now, mind you, she came in the form of a little corner box. But it was like she was watching the entire episode with me. Oh yeah. Because she was.
And here I’m left to wonder what she’s whispering to the ball-less wonder beside her. She coughed a few times, and she eye-rolled a whole helluva lot.
While I’m sure everyone was hoping those coughs might have been symptomatic of something, rest assured — I did not. Those evil thoughts don’t cross MY mind. Oh, no, sir-ee. I’m pure like the wind over here.
I mean, why would I want to talk about how in the 11th hour, Peter realized he needed to fetch a wife, so fetch a wife he did through one Ms. Hannah Ann.
And we, like a good little Bachelor Nation, all pretended like Peter didn’t just declare Madi his one true love the night prior. We, as trained Rose Lovers, can do this.
We can say “Cheers!” to the Facetime call to Mr. Sluss to get his blessing for Hannah Ann’s hand in marriage.
Heck, we can even buy into the fact that Hannah Ann, for an Australian hot second, had doubts about being Peter’s wife as she lies comatose on her hotel bed in a lame ruse to have a Madi Moment and play a little hard to get.
Yes, ABC producers. We can go there with you. Much like Peter’s dad, we have been programmed.
And we’re okay with that.
Surely with a little time, a Neil Lane appearance, and a sprinkle of a little desperation, an engagement will ensue (pick a wife — any wife!), and all will be right with the world again.
Heck, we even predicted that Peter would pick Hannah Ann only to then dump her after a month because of his unresolved feelings for Madi!
What we are NOT okay with is when you throw an infestation of toxicity our way in the form of the Bachelor’s own mother, and no one — not a single one — sets this woman straight.
To the gal in pink: You tried. And to you, we say God Speed! You’re gonna need it.
I mean, I THINK Peter kind of stood up for Madi toward the end there. But Barb’s nastiness far surpassed any mumblings of a solid Madi defense!
Peter, just look at Madi’s face after your mother declared that your relationship with Madi will fail — just give it time?!
I get it, guys. It’s hard to stand up to mom. And clearly, the audience was on Madi’s side. But we cannot allow such nastiness to lie unchecked!
And, I’m sorry. But remind me what Madi did again to deserve such abuse?!
This is YOUR HOUSE, Daddy Harrison.
And while we could read between the lines to know who you’re rooting for — going after Madi to bring her back to a single Peter and all — could you maybe just have put Barb in her place? Just a little?
We need our fearless leader to clean house!
I’ll just try and rest tonight, praying that Madi’s biting of her tongue ultimately outweighs Barb’s loud, vexatious nature.
Like we would actually believe Barb when she said Madi made them wait three hours without an apology?! As if!
On a side note, could someone maybe check on Hannah Ann and her new lovely hair extensions?
I know I’ve always worried about Madi in the past, but I can’t shake a vision in my head of what might go down later on between her and Barb.
And, this is the end … for now
And with that, Rose Lovers, we conclude our season with Pilot Pete Weber. I gotta say, it was brutal.
Peter has officially blown through one engagement. Stolen another’s first engagement. De-flowered back-to-back broads. Lost a mom. Found new religion.
All before his head wound has even healed.
Best of luck to the “happy” couple!
Hey guys. If the Royals can break free and start fresh on their own, you kids can too. At least you’ll always have Daddy Harrison… and the rest of Bachelor Nation.
Hey, we side with you by default. Because ain’t no-one siding with Barb. Well, besides the ball-less wonder.
Catch me next time for recaps of the Bachelor in Paradise and The Bachelorette, Rose Lovers! This little Bachelor Recapper is tip-tapped out! And I have the empty bottle of pinot to prove it!
Ciao for now!
The 16th season of The Bachelorette with Clare Crowley will begin Monday, May 18, at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.
Bachelor in Paradise will likely premiere on Monday, Aug. 10, 2020. ABC has not yet announced the official date.