Last night, it took ABC two hours to let us know that Madison kind of might have broken up with Peter, and she might have left, but we don’t know for sure. We do know for sure, however, that Peter’s mother cries two nights in a row and also has Some Things to Say to young ladies who refuse their son’s sexual advances (one of those things is: don’t.)
Liveblog starts at 8/7c. You’re gonna need it because there are no baby kangaroos to save us now.
My wish for Peter is that he and any remaining contestants enunciate.
-Peter’s ex Kelley is in the audience, as is Neil Lane The Official Jeweler of The Bachelor, with a briefcase. It just struck me that my own marriage proposal was trash, as it did not take place in front of one of my exes and a live audience that viewed me with contempt.
-Neil Lane shows up and Peter says “I am going to choose…” and for a second I honestly seriously thought he was going to say “Neil Lane” and with that I would have 100% watched every episode of every series this franchise ever had to offer.
-Peter asks Hannah Ann’s father for permission to marry his daughter and his answer is “I trust Hannah Ann’s decision on this” and left unspoken is “I don’t think she’s into being your wife by default but okay.”
-PLOT TWIST: Instead of Peter lying on a ball of denim on a hotel bed, we see Hannah Ann flat on the bed and girl, that is a bold move with your hair two seconds before you go on national television with your almost-proposal.
-“There’s something I just found out…” IT’S NOT ABOUT MADISON IT’S ABOUT HANNAH ANN AND SHE MIGHT NOT COME.
-Peter: “Does she know that Madison’s not here?”
That’s (presumably) the first thing he says. The FIRST THING he’s concerned about. FIRST. THING.
-…Oh of course, never mind, of course she’s coming.
-High heels and a white dress with a train on a dirt road. This show is nothing but good life decisions.
-Peter: “My heart chooses you FOREVER” because the other chick left and I guess you’re the only one left so might as well anyway here’s a ring I didn’t pay for.
-Hannah Ann: “I can’t believe you’re all mine! I get to love you forever!”
This is certainly going to end well.
-There’s 97 minutes left, that’s how I know.
-But first, you WILL watch a preview of Listen to Your Heart.
-Peter tells his family “I am engaged. And it’s to my person.” So there’s still space for Neil Lane.
-The producers clearly told Peter to stretch this out as long as possible, which causes Barb to launch a thousand memes.
-Peter calls Hannah Ann on FaceTime and all of a sudden lets her know that his whole entire family is also there and I wonder what it is about pilots that make them do this. A few months ago Josh The Pilot video-called me while I was in the locker room after a hot yoga class, his first officer cheerfully at his side in the cockpit. You hang up on robocalls fast but I hung up on that one faster.
Oh, I think we know why.
-Also, Crop Top Hannah Rides again!
HOLY CRAP ABC IS SHOWING THEM BREAKING UP WITH A LITTLE PICTURE OF BARB IN THE CORNER WATCHING IT ALL UNFOLD THIS IS ART
-Hannah Ann unloads. And.. but… we don’t know what she knew and when? Has he been rolling with Madison? If so when? How often? What…? It’s been a month.
-I have a lot of questions right now but chief among them is “Why is Peter wearing a schoolmarm’s shoes from 1867?”
-Hannah Ann ran away to the bathroom and Peter followed her and she took of the ring and is shaking it around and FLUSH IT HANNAH ANN FLUSH IT
-I’m so proud of Crop Top Hannah right now. She’s barely crying and forming complete sentences and flat-out not letting him out of this with “I’m sorry I confused you.”
-Hannah Ann: “I don’t need anything more from you. You’ve done enough damage. We’re done.” Barbcam shows her applauding this moment in which her son is called out for being a douche.
-Ironically, this kind of steel shows that Hannah Ann would actually make a workable pilot wife.
Yeah, she knew. She had to have known. Her expression and demeanor when she walked into that AirBNB was not that of a woman who hadn’t seen her fiance for a month. That was a “I’m gonna live on forever in gifs” face.
-Peter leans into the SUV of Rejection and Hanna Ann is all Palm City.
— knockoff tyler the creator (@Tyler_E_Behrens) March 11, 2020
-The studio sounds like it does in church when we’re all waiting for the priest to get up after Communion.
— ParrotNoir (@ParrotNoir) March 11, 2020
-Hannah Ann has been backstage watching this whole thing with all the hardness of that diamond she just flung back at Peter. Good girl.
-“You knew exactly what to say to keep me with you.” No passenger on no aircraft this man flies ever again is going to keep the seatbelt fastened just on his say-so.
-Hannah Ann is bringing up that she didn’t know that Madison left. Peter: “Listen, I had two days.” Madison: “Yes, you had TWO DAYS.” Peter, two days after my life’s worst dumpation I was already filtering up my optimum profile shot for Tinder.
-Hannah Ann throws the bottle of benzene that is former Bachelorette Hannah Brown onto the dumpster fire that is this season. He… wait, he contacted her?
Hannah Ann almost pitched a perfect game, but still got the no hitter #TheBachelor
— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) March 11, 2020
Indeed. She tops it off with “become a real man” and eh, that was two cans of whipped cream when only a spoonful was necessary. Always leave ’em wanting more, Crop Top.
-WE DON’T CARE ABOUT WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BECOME PRESIDENT, ABC. WE CARE ABOUT BARBCAM.
-Josh The Pilot piles on with a phone call about Albany and a crew timing out and “that’s the flight we were going to work” and something something something and “the hotel” and I ain’t even mad because it’s this or Madison’s eyelashes.
-Let’s visit Madison!
Chris Harrison drops the “He got engaged” bomb.
-Chris drops the “He dumped Hannah Ann” bomb. My reaction: I hate Madison’s nail polish.
-Madison rolls up on Peter in LA.
-live look at Barbcam:
-If they honestly think this audience is going to cheer a Peter-Madison reunion at this point, they have got a wee bit to learn about riot control.
-W are now back to “like” on an infinity loop.
— thoughtsonthings (@thoughtsonthin5) March 11, 2020
I am gonna go ahead and guess that if Barb and Madison are ever on the same family benefits flight, Peter is going to be in the corner whispering to the gate agent “these two passengers… just… split them up… weight and balance issue…it’s very important to the safety of this flight…yes I know there are only two seats and they’re together…but…”
-Madison is backstage RIGHT NOW! Hopefully with Hannah Ann right next to her!
-BOOOOOOO the only drama is that she’s wearing my last Barbie’s Day to Night dress.
-Barbara’s got her own tea: Madison kept them waiting for three hours with no apology and says that she straight-up asked if Madi would accept a proposal and she said no.
So that’s why she’s boarding the “How can I make the entire United States DM me at once?” freight train.
-Chris Harrison gives Madison a chance to respond to Barb and I… she’s not sure what she’s actually saying here and she probably doesn’t either. So she punts it to Peter. And I am telling you this as a wife who has a wonderful mother in law: This relationship has all the potential of a major commuter bridge built from dollar store Styrofoam.
-Barb ain’t done advocating for Hannah Ann even though ol’ Crop Top is halfway seated back in Joshua Dobbs’ lap by now
-Chris Harrison is trying to patch things up and Barb is straight up all “It’s not going to work.” The patching. Or the relationship.
-People, when the woman causing the most drama on this season of The Bachelor is the pending mother in law? You’ve got a lifetime of intolerable Christmases ahead of you.
-Meanwhile, WILL NO ONE THINK OF NEIL LANE
— Lexington Curls (@ACurls092) March 11, 2020
-Chris: “Peter’s journey has come to an end.” Oh no it ain’t. There’s going to be a call to the authorities at the Weber house this Easter and we’re going to spend the entirety of Holy Week checking Twitter for the 911 transcript.
-The producers really want us to care about The Bachelorette right now and ain’t no one hitting “refresh” on that app.
-Of all the things I’m angry about right now– Peter, Madison, Barb, this entire franchise–what makes the most furious is that this show is now three minutes over time and nothing can ever make up for that.
UPDATE: SEE?! This ain’t done.
— Monsters and Critics (@monstersandcrit) March 11, 2020
This season’s actual winner: Mothers in law everywhere
The Bachelorette begins airing on ABC in May.