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The Bachelor FAQ: At last, an idea for the finale

Peter Weber
How will Peter Weber’s season of The Bachelor end? Pic credit: ABC

It’s nearly time for The Bachelor 2020 to come to an end, but a number of questions remain.

What have we learned after part 1 of the finale?

First and foremost, we learned that Zip Dip is without Vanilla Ice, and that’s the real tragedy. But also, it seems that the much-cycled clip of Peter’s mother sobbing “bring… her… home… to us!!” was in reference to Hannah Ann, and not the possibly departed Madison.

Wait, Madison left?

See, we DON’T KNOW. Last week, the preview showed Chris Harrison delivering very bad news to Peter, who was so upset he had to lie down on a ball of denim. But then we were shown none of this in part 1.

But probably not. That we do know because Madison and her Southern Hemisphere-fanning eyelashes were also shown in the part 2 promo.

I can’t remember what she said, but her manicure was likely on point. Madison is very reliable in that sense.

Anyway, she either leaves and comes back, or never left at all. I’m going with never left at all — because if you leave Australia, you have to be pretty damn sure you want to leave Australia.

It’s not like if you suddenly realized you left your phone at home. You can’t just take a side street and swing back around.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqZdiLAd6nY

So what’s going on?

You must also understand that Peter gave Madison some sparkling apple cider at some point in the episode, which led to many wondering if she drinks at all. If that sounds overly nosy, I would like to remind you that this show dedicated a solid ten to fifteen minutes on closeups of Peter, his mother, his father, and his brother as they discussed his sex life.

What’s going on, then, is that Peter seems to think that Madison has broken up with him, because she — after many likes and it’s justs and hair smoothing — made it (somewhat) clear that she calls into question whether or not they are right for one another. And props to her. She’s 23 years old.

When I was 23, I could be lured into a hatchback with a McMuffin and a roll of quarters for the laundromat. I didn’t have the best self-esteem, and have been known to stay in relationships on the grounds that he had WiFi.

And. Hannah Ann seems to have no idea that Madison kinda-left, although she should — because Peter rolled into her suite in last week’s workout hoodie like the bowling alley just closed and he was out of beer and did not mention what happened with Madison.

A roll of quarters, really?

It was a different time. People used cash.

How are the baby kangaroos doing?

This is the other important question. On their date, Hannah Ann and Peter got to give bottles to orphan baby kangaroos and I feel so, so sorry that they were dragged into this. They’ve suffered enough.

I am hereby sending a formal request to Australia for an update on the mental condition and emotional state of any and all baby kangaroos who were affected by the actions of Peter and/or Hannah Ann.

What’s happening in your current life as the wife of a pilot?

I just said to Josh The Pilot “If you love me, you’ll bring me drugs,” and he laughed, because here was his zany writer wife at it again, and so I had to reiterate that no, I meant it, two Advil directly from the medicine cabinet, sooner rather than later.

Did part 1 offer any other glimpses into part 2?

In addition to the presence of the towel ball, Peter’s mother, Barb, was shown bursting into tears and flinging herself at her husband — perhaps because she learns of the existence of another woman who declined Peter’s offer of bangnation and how dare she. We’ll know tomorrow.

See you at the liveblog.

We’ll get through this together.

The Bachelor concludes on Tuesday, March 10, at 8/7c on ABC.

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