Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Season 12, Episode 3, There’s Sutton About Crystal, with a little help from a glass of Rose (or two)…
Hello, my Housewives Dah-lings, and welcome to your weekly recap of the Beverly Hills Housewives! Where wearing a Burberry tracksuit TWICE is the new version of poor (Erika), and the very rich are allergic to shopping in actual stores (Diana)!
Yes, you gotta love our new Housewife, Diana. The woman could truly convince someone born on August 23 that they are, in fact, a Leo and not a Virgo.
She is somewhat of a breath of fresh air around these parts, and Lord knows we need it because- is that Crystal I hear busting out the word “Violate” again?
Ah, heck, it is.
Poor a stiffie. Or a roadie if you’re nasty (Diana, we’ll explain what that is later), and let’s recap!
The Housewives head (back) to La Quinta!
Remember when our beloved Housewives all headed to La Quinta last year? You know, when Dorit held a fashion show in Kyle’s living room and Kathy called her out?
How about when Erika did that ugly cry and left after yelling at Garcelle but before the LA Times article dropped. Still not ringing a bell?
Oh, it doesn’t matter, because this season we are about to make all new warm and fuzzy memories! “YAY!” (she says trepidly).
The Beverly Hills Housewives – they’re just like us!
The relatable ladies make their little Roadies, don hand-me-down 80’s looking Burberry tracksuits, and talk about outlet shopping while eating In-and-Out french fries on the way.
Well, unless you’re Diana Jenkins. She doesn’t shop. Why shudder the thought. The designers come to HER.
And since when did Crystal become the authority on 30 percent off discount shopping? I mean, does THIS photo ring any kind of bell?!
But we have a store opening to get to – Kyle’s brick-and-mortar store to be exact, so let’s skedaddle.
And look who is one of the first to show up! None other than our former Housewife, Teddy Mellencamp.
I have to shout her out, guys. After all, she got about a second of air-time this episode, and last episode, the producers didn’t even show her in the “those who showed up to Dorit’s house the morning after montage.” (And we know dang well she was there.)
Dorit rocks a full blue silk suit ensemble from Kyle’s store and did my ears deceive me, or did Garcelle have this to say about her look: “Dorit not doing these amazing hairdos – it’s just sad.”
Meanwhile, aloof Diana peruses the shop, sips champagne, and just in case you were wondering how entertaining she can be, she drops this gem:
“Some of these things I would wear even at my own house!” (Yes, that was intended to be a compliment.)
I think I like Diana.
Dorit and Sutton hash it out
While at the store, Sutton asks how Dorit is doing and seems to genuinely care. In her confessional, Sutton even breaks down, recalling the time her house was broken into and how her father committed suicide with a handgun.
So perhaps, as Garcelle astutely noted when all the ladies were talking about Sutton behind her back: “maybe everyone could have given Sutton some grace and say ‘oh that’s just Sutton’ and hear her out rather than ridiculing her for not having empathy.” (Or something like that.)
Dorit ACCEPTS Sutton’s apology, and they hug it out. [End scene, right? WRONG.]
Just when we think everything is right in the La Quinta world, the s**t hits the fan… over dinner. What else is new.
Can’t these ladies just enjoy a good tuna tar-tar already?
I know somebody who can!
For as rich as she is, Kyle might want to invest in some dog trainers.
And even though Dorit and Sutton hashed it out back at the store, Garcelle is determined to make sure all the ladies know of this peace treaty.
Are we going to talk about Sutton now that we’re all here, Garcelle asks. (Okay, then, Garcelle!)
Sutton once again acknowledged her apology toward Dorit and just as I was feeling all warm and fuzzy toward Diana, she comes with this:
“I don’t know Sutton that well but she’s clumsy with her words. You come off really weird and wrong.”
Erika, practically salivating over Diana’s words, is all:
Oh, Thug Life Girardi. Always there with the quips.
But though Diana teetered on not being a Sutton Stan, she immediately backed up her criticism with “but I have seen her work on herself and apologize multiple times soooo….” (Sorry, Erika!)
No matter, Mrs. Jenkins. The pot has been stirred and Kyle is not ready to let Sutton’s less than empathetic reaction of Dorit’s robbery go.
And if that’s not enough, Crystal (who I almost forget is even on this dang show) busts out the whole violation peeping Tom storyline from last season but this time, it wasn’t geared toward attacking Sutton. Quite the opposite.
You see, Crystal and Sutton are friends now. Rather, Crystal is now mad at Kyle for basically telling her how she should feel.
Dorit tries to connect the dots to how this correlates to her robbery and quite honestly, I’m a bit lost too.
I do know when Crystal said, “You guys will never validate someone’s feelings unless you can understand it,” I kinda felt that.
Garcelle, the ever-supporting (most mature) one out of the group, just lends an empathetic ear (and hand) toward Crystal. (And for that, I’ll just go ahead and give her the Diamond Award of the night. Ya done well, kid.)
Kyle amusingly questions if Crystal’s bizarre reaction is because she is a millennial and while I also begin questioning that, hearing Crystal use the word “trigger,” Crystal is ready to get the heck out of La Quinta because she feels she is no longer in a “safe space.”
What’s more – it looks like this lesson on emotions is going to extend into next week.
So buckle up, kids. And dust off your dictionaries. We might have to define violate again. Or empathy. Either way, I think all of these ladies learned a valuable lesson tonight:
“Let everyone feel how they want to feel.”
Yeah. We’ll see how long that lasts.
Til’ next week my darlings! In the meantime, find out if this is really Kyle’s last season of The Housewives?! And maybe see if Cesar Milan is free to pay a visit to good ol’ La Quinta.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Bravo.