The Bachelorette Red Wine Recap: Love, lies, and the return of Bennett!

The Bachelorette Tayshia taking a lie detector test on last night's episode 9
Tayshia revealed that she regretted sending Bennett home on last night’s The Bachelorette. Pic credit: ABC

Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Bachelorette, Season 16, Episode 9 with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …

Well Rose-Lovers, it was a bit of a jam-packed episode. We came full circle with the blue-suede-shoed-wonder, Bennett. We saw lots of tears from Zac C.! And we heard lots of “love bombs” dropped in every Bachelorette format imaginable! Oh, it’s just another Tuesday for Bachelor Nation, am I right?

So pour yourself a glass of wine or a gin and tonic with lime if you’re feeling frisky (I’m still trying to figure out Tayshia’s drink of choice), and let’s recap!

Bennett Leaves. Bennett Returns.

So we picked up with our informal two-on-one with Young Noah and “condescending” Bennett, who is giving anyone with ears a lesson in emotional intelligence (or “E.I.” as the cool kids call it).

After walking a fine line of talking down to the Bachelorette herself while also giving her a “you got this” girl power pep talk, Bennett is shown the exit limo of doom.

I am a bit saddened by this for reasons I can’t comprehend, but my sadness quickly turns to amusement as I see Young Noah downing a whole canister of Tic Tacs!

The Bachelorette's Noah eating Tic Tacs
Oh, Noah. It’s a good thing Bennett didn’t witness this. Pic credit: ABC

How presumptuous of you, Noah! Not only is Tayshia NOT going to kiss you, but she’s also not going to give you the rose. So don’t smile. This ain’t no victory.

In fact, you can stick around, but all you get is a “see you later.” Tayshia’s 180-degree turn is, of course, just a set-up for the classic “I think I made a mistake in sending Bennett home.”

A Five-Rose Rose Ceremony

Meanwhile, the men gear up for their rose ceremony, where Brendan sports his finest of turtlenecks. I still like Brendan but he is a bit on the decline for me. Perhaps he is just getting overshadowed by Tayshia’s palpable chemistry with Zac C., but potatoes, po-tah-toes, I say! We’ve got a rose ceremony to get to!

JoJo worked overtime this episode, nailing her Chris Harrison impression as best she could, right down to the hand gestures and feigned somberness.

Ultimately, three guys went home (Ed, Spencer, and a guy whose name I seriously didn’t know …. Demar!), but they’re already a distant memory because here comes our host!

The Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher on a scooter
Would the real JoJo please scoot up! Pic credit: ABC

Why yes that is JoJo in the red tank top riding her scooter through the La Quinta! Now that’s the JoJo Fletcher we know and love.

And she planned the “perfect date” for Ben and Tayshia – a cute little scavenger hunt where Ben proved he could be both a chill, laid-back dude and a vulnerable one at that. Ben told Tayshia he had two failed suicide attempts, and Tayshia was immediately drawn into his vulnerability. She, of course, gave Ben the rose and we’re off to a private concert from some dude we’ve never heard of.

Though she doesn’t say it to him directly, we hear Tayshia say she “really does love Ben,” giving us our first “L-bomb” of the night! I’ll be honest, I was slightly surprised by this, but who has time for my feelings when Zac C. is giving us plenty of his own!

Zac C. is Full of Emotion!

The Bachelorette's Zac C. crying about hometowns
“Things just got real.” Pic credit: ABC

My goodness, Zac C.! The crying looks kind of cute on you. Yes, it was unexpected, but we’ll take it!

Zac C. gave us all the feels tonight. First, the crying over the thought of Tayshia meeting his family at hometowns next week. (Yes, I said HOMETOWNS next week! What in the heck!?)

Then, his emotional cup runneth over when he wasn’t chosen for a one-on-one. Finally, on the group date, he told Tayshia he cheated in the past (an absolute deal-breaker for Tay-Tay!), and stop it, just stop it Zac C.! I can’t take all of this emotion you’re stirring up in me!

Ohhhhh, but I can breathe easy now. You see, Zac C.’s cheating escapade was really him two-timing on his sixth-grade sweetheart when he french-kissed another girl at the Bowl-a-Rama. Shew!!

Now Tayshia can reciprocate your “I’m falling in love with you,” giving us our second “L-bomb” of the night! Sixth-grade cheating doesn’t count, but Zac C. didn’t want that reliable hot pink lie detector to bust him. Good lookin’ out Zac.

The Bachelorette's Tayshia and JoJo giving Zac C. a lie detector test
I can’t lie to this trusty test! Pic credit: ABC

Can we just take a moment real quick for the lie detector test? Was it the neon pink “wavelengths” that followed the same pattern as if it was really just a screensaver that made it seem bogus?

Or was it JoJo trying to be serious as the interrogator in her hot pink silk jumpsuit?

Maybe it was the fact that I felt like puppet master Chris Harrison was really behind the scenes picking the red or green light bulb–whichever one he felt could amp up the production value.

I don’t know. But something was off. Okay, okay, so it ended up being “reliable” but really, ABC? Oh you know I loved it.

So Tayshia can’t give out the group date rose because all the men really stepped up their game, and, Tayshia, we respect you for that! But you’re not off the hook yet!

No, ma’am. We didn’t do all that foreshadowing of your regret to send Bennett home for nothing.

The Bachelorette Tayshia Adams holding Bennett's hands
Please take me back, Tayshia! Our goodbye was just too bizarre! Pic credit: ABC

That’s right. Heeeeeee’s baaaack!! And he doesn’t have time for the whole “I’m falling in love with you” game. Nope. Bennett goes straight for the “I love you” kill, sparing him at least another night at the La Quinta.

So that about does it Rose-Lovers. Good lord, we are on the speed train or something because we have two episodes next week including the Men Tell All?! I’m not ready for all this yet! We also (hopefully) get to see Blake’s one-on-one. Something about him lately is working for me.

And I think we also get our Chris Harrison back. JoJo, you gave it a valiant effort. But we need Daddy Harrison back now. Am I right?

Til’ next week, Rose-Lovers!

The Bachelorette airs on Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.