How are you doing? Is your city open? Mine is still all clampty-clamp, but today, I drove my mother to the foot doctor.
It was her first time out of the house in seven weeks. It was my first visit to anywhere other than the grocery or a drive-thru.
At first, we were excited, but then we realized how very sad this was, and that there was a lot of buildup, but, in the end, not a lot of actual content or moments to elevate the human spirit.
In other words, it was pretty much like watching Listen to Your Heart, only with orthotic inserts.
Anyway. Need a peaceful quarantine retreat? You won’t find it on anything Bachelor-originated, where the crying is mascara-filled, the hair long, and the journeys emotional.
But we’ll have fun. See you at 8.
-Savannah believes “in what Brandon and I have” and he “would have been a little heartbroken if I’d woken up without you today.” Stick a pin in that, kids. I have a feeling we’ll be coming back to this.
-Chris is much more jovial today. “Come on in and join me!”
-BUT THEN. He chides the departed Beckah and… whoever that guy was… for not having a connection, a Bachelor mortal sin.
-They’re going on dates. BUT. With other people. “I am going to put this relationship to the ultimate test!” Chris thunders from atop Mt. Reality Show Host.
-Jamie and Ryan. Chris and Rudi.
Julia and Brandon. There’s a shocker.
-Chris wants to see really strong committed couples only sitting in this room. Chris has become a fourteen year old who takes to Twitter to wish happy Valentine’s Day to Josie Canseco and Logan Paul and Josie Canseco and Logan Paul only.
-Julia to Sheridan: I don’t think anything will change!
everyone watching: sigh
-Sheridan is shown reading by the fire pit. This sucks. I like Sheridan. I like Sheridan because Sheridan reads.
-Sheridan: “Every time she’s been conflicted she’s ended up choosing me.” Be…cause…Brandon… rejected her…but… okay, at least you’re literate.
-Rudi, you seem cool, and you can stay, but not in those blue and white checked pants.
-Chris shows up. But Rudi’s not dressed for the date yet… oh, okay they’re… leaving. She’s leaving. In those pants. On a date.
-Rudi and Chris have a date and awwwwww, they’re such nice buddies.
-It’s a lovely, romantic date, this picnic in a beautiful…. wtf. WTF, the picnic is like ten yards away from the house. They’re in the backyard, y’all. This is the Dollar Tree sales bin of dates.
-Jamie and Ryan get a spa day. Really? I would file suit.
-And Julia and Brandon go to the freaking Roxy and write a song with an actual songwriter. See, what’s happening here is the producers knowing darn well and good that Rudi and Chris are going nowhere so they get a snack in the backyard, and they’re putting Julia and Brandon together creatively, and I’m not even very good at plots, people.
-Surprise! Julie and Brandon are going to perform their very own song here at the Roxy! Julia says she’d normally be nervous about this kind of thing, but not tonight! Because Brandon!
-Meanwhile Sheridan is writing his own song about Julia.
-Sheridan plays his song. He says “Comin’ Back” many, many times.
I’m fairly certain the song is entitled “Comin’ Back.”
-Julia: “I’m pretty sure I’m falling for Brandon.”
-Brandon: “I wanna talk to you soon, okay? Talk to you soon. It’s gonna be okay.” Holy friggin’ crap, this guy knows when to hold ’em and knows when to ’em him. This is some Grade A dangle bait.
-I was entranced and completely on-board with this commercial featuring a woman struggling with her eyeliner, a deep and persistent problem in these parts, so I watched most attentively, seeking the name of the miraculous eyeliner which will remove this stumbling block from my life forever more, annnnnnnnd… it’s for makeup remover.
I hate it here.
-Julia hates it here too, apparently, because she’s dumping Sheridan without any commitment at all from Brandon.
Any commitment. At all.
Sheridan: Comin’… back?
-Sheridan stands up for himself at last. “OK, well, I wish you the best with Brandon.” Annnd he’s out. Peace.
Julia’s reply? She’s mad. At Sheridan. For “just walking away after that.” And a wearied nation cries out: “Really?”
-Sheridan tells the rest of the Scooby gang that he’s leaving and the girls immediately hug each other, to comfort each other, over this terrible loss for them.
-Matt: “Sheridan sticking to his guns and leaving this thing is honorable.” It is. And also the rules of the show, but let’s not stomp on him while he’s experiencing waves of hipster sadness.
-Oh man they made them a flashback montage. Ain’t no way Julia deserves a flashback montage. I’m sorry, Sheridan. Let’s go get mimosas and trash Rudi’s pants.
-Brandon talks to Savannah for a significant amount of time, saying absolutely nothing except that he feels Savannah “has an attitude” and “they need to work on communication.” He and Julia are going to ride the Dysfunction Train right over the broken trestle into the Canyon of Unnecessary Drama. Unless…
-Savannah wants a definitive choice from Brandon, and he says that he cares about Savannah, and wants to talk like adults. Sweetie.
-Savannah: This is done for me.
Julia:… wait, that was the front door!
Everyone else: sigh
-Annnnnnnnnd the Lust Pentagon is down to a… what’s a two-sided figure? Is there a two-sided figure? Whatever a figure with two sides is. It’s that.
-Bri: “Last night, Brandon and Savannah… removed themselves.” Dude, they weren’t cast out of Egypt with their names removed from every obelisk. Nonetheless, she’s “devastated.”
-Chris: Hey Julia, I know this was not easy for you.
Julia: To say the least.
Me: He’s not gonna congratulate you, Julia.
-We’re going to spend the next hour on performances, aren’t we?
-Natascha straight-up asks Brendan if he would have stayed with Savannah if she overlooked his general Brendan-ness. He nods. I’m sure that’s is the last we’ll hear of this.
-Brandon disdains “We Belong” by Pat Benetar as a power ballad from the 80‘s and it’s not his jam at all. In case you hadn’t drawn a conclusion about Brandon’s personal character by now, you just did.
-Hold up, it’s only 9:08 and we’re already backstage? I’m…
-Oh no wait, they have drama. Natascha: aaaaaayyyyyyyeeeee Julia, guess what? Guess what I asked Brendan and guess what he saiiiiiiid?
-Imma start calling Brendan Exxon because he’s all here, all the time, with the gaslighting. “Oh, let’s just forget about this little freakout which is all your fault and has nothing to do with me, Julia.”
-Exxon deems Toni Branxton an acceptable judge. I would never insult this show again if Pat Benetar would’ve come rolling out of that stage door right after her.
-The other judges are… I forget. I was typing and concerned with major world events such as whether or not the casserole from dinner is cool enough to box up for the fridge yet.
-Two of the judges are “Rachel and Brian” and I’m assuming they’re Bachelor people, but not, as the two people I’ve already forgotten about from next week, “Bachelor royalty,” so I guess they have some Instagram work to do.
-I can’t with Jamie’s freaking out before every performance that she’s “not good enough,” and for real, this girl lacked some “God, Flag, and Country” speech contests in her formative years. You said you wanted this! Do it!
I mean if she has a legit anxiety disorder, I feel that, and I take it all back. Otherwise, I’m losing my voice screaming at the television to calm down, bro.
Wait–is this… what it’s like to be around me for two solid hours?
-Toni Braxton has noticed that Jamie is nervous. Oooooh.
-One of the judges is named “Andy.” Hi Andy!
-Trevor is dinged for “not being all in with Jamie.” Well…
-Toni Braxton gives Jamie a little pep talk. Aw. I want to be in the same room with Toni Braxton and get a pep talk from her.
-Now Trevor, after holding Jamie together all day before the performance, has to patch her back together after the performance.
“I f****d up.”
“I don’t know.”
Week in and week out. A not-insignificant part of Trevor is fairly ready to split a limo to freedom with Sheridan, I’m thinking.
-Toni Braxton approves of Bri and Chris. I want to party with Toni Braxton.
-The woman in the Bachelor couple said she was wondering how a couple could possibly show love and sing at the same time. Broadway, child, watch some.
-Julia’s boots say “I’m here to party!” but her dress says “I hope I get extra credit for my opening statement at the Mock Trial competition.” It’s a power suit.
-Bachelor woman bodyslams Julia and Brandon as sounding like “karaoke.”
-Toni Braxton thought there’d been a fight.
-Oh wait, Natascha and Ryan exist. Annnnnnd here they are!
-Ryan has a guitar and some “nananananas” and that’s how he’s gonna play this.
-Julia pronounces Natascha as a “bad person.” “I mean,” she says, “who goes up to another performer and does that to them?” Julia, meet every single performance ever past sixth grade church choir. She’s just now discovering the entertainment world is littered with fake nasty narcissists?
-Natascha, noted s***-stirrer, is shocked, shocked, to be called out by Julia as a s**t-stirrer.
-Yeeeeeeep, Julia and Brandon are going home. And just like that, the Lust Pentagon has collapsed in a pile of gas, tears, and “Comin’ Back.”
-Julia doesn’t deserve any of this! Brandon treated it like a solo performance! Who could have possibly seen this coming?
-I cannot imagine where the drama’s gonna come from now.
-Oh wait, Jamie’s crying. I’ll see you next week.
The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.