Remember when you watched the promos for the ABC Bachelor spin-off Listen to Your Heart with tremendous eagerness during the glorious season of Peter Weber, entranced by the fascinating people and dramatic-sounding plot?
This was the experience of absolutely no one who battled through The Bachelor Season 24. Or who wandered past a TV which happened to be tuned to ABC in a bar. Or who is a conscious human being.
It’s coming anyway.
All other The Bachelor-oriented things are on hiatus. In the event that you have questions about Listen to Your Heart, we at Monsters & Critics are here for you.
Why does The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart exist?
This is the most pressing issue. No one seems to know. But it does, it’s in the can, there’s a pandemic, and it’s Listen to Your Heart or sitting forlornly in a long-dried splash of vomit outside your nearest shuttered bar.
Who is behind this, besides Satan and the wine industry?
Listen to Your Heart is brought to you by the same high opinion holders of human nature responsible for The Bachelor: Mike Fleiss and Next Entertainment. Chris Harrison hosts, because of course he does.
What is the show about?
Judging by the approximately eight hours of previews trotted out during the most recent season of The Bachelor so as to signal to every American that it was time to go to the bathroom, Listen to Your Heart combines the very worst of The Bachelor, American Idol, and a song older than the whole entire Clinton presidency.
That’s it? That’s the show?
Did I mention that this song was No. 1? In 1989? By a band that no one who’s used a card catalog has ever heard of?
What is the show’s format?
The objective of the show seems to focus on 20 un-old people who are purportedly musically talented and who also lean dramatically against walls,. At least one throws a guitar, but not in the badass, mid-explosion metal way. More in the lame, eight-year-old pitching a Minecraft-related tantrum way.
Or, according to ABC, The couples “look to form attractions through the melodies, find and reveal their feelings, and ultimately, fall in love.”
And going on “Bachelor-style dates that focus on music” and “musical challenges,” and if any of this also involves a double dare and a physical challenge, I’m in.
How are people eliminated? “The couples whose performances reveal their love and devotion to one another will continue to be given a chance to further their relationships until only one couple is left standing.”
This seems fair and normal and objective and not at all ripe for failure in every possible way.
There’s gonna be a liveblog, right?
Listen to Your Heart isn’t going to be a train wreck or a dumpster fire of a show. It’s going to be the kind of show which is nearly as compelling as watching water evaporate, only less so, because at least with water evaporation there’s a promise of eventual action in the form of someone somewhere possibly getting rained on.
Of course there’s going to be a live blog.
See you at 8 p.m.
The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart premieres April 13 and airs Mondays on ABC at 8/7c.