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RHOBH Red Wine Recap: The Beverly Hills ladies are back!

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills cast members
Sutton Stracke tries to do the math on the RHOBH Season 12 premiere, The Break-In, but the math ain’t mathin’. Pic credit: Bravo

Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Season 12, Episode 1, Premiere, The Break-In, with a little help from a glass of Rose (or two) …

Greetings my Housewives-Lovers! And welcome to your weekly recap of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, where we drink to dramatic dinners, critique ugly leather pants, and silently judge just about everybody’s intentions. Okay, maybe not so silently.

Tonight’s episode was titled “The Break-In” and it looks like Bravo is just going to go ahead and start things out with a bang – maybe that was a bad choice of words and seriously no bad pun intended.

As we all know, Dorit was held at gunpoint a day before shooting (crikey!) the premiere. Two men robbed her while she was home alone with her children.

And now, with the premiere, we get to see it all play out on screen. Well, at least we get to see the ladies react to it. And if you’re Mauricio, or “Mo” as we like to call him, you just drink wine and eat cheese and look confused and/or surprised.

Speaking of wine, pour me some of that vino, Mauricio good chap, and let’s recap!

Dorit’s Robbery: Video shows footage of the break-in

Bravo started out the episode with gray and white footage of the two men in hoodies entering Dorit’s home and shattering the glass of a door. (Dorit later revealed on WWHL that her alarm was turned off because her children sometimes go downstairs and it sets it off.)

robbers enter Dorit's house
Robbers enter RHOBH star Dorit Kemsley’s house. Pic credit: Bravo

We hear a voice-over from Dorit, recounting the events and begging for her and her babies’ lives. We then see the man leave with a bedsheet full of goods and leaving Dorit’s cell phone by the gate, which he apparently told her he would do.

And now with the actual robbery portion over within the first 15 minutes of the premiere, we are left to wonder how exactly this will be Dorit’s major storyline of the season.

We’ll get to Sutton’s remarkable reaction in a minute. First, let’s check in with the ladies to see who is cliqued up with who.

Erika Jayne is having the sex y’all!

Erika Jayne
Erika Jayne muses with pal Lisa Rinna on the RHOBH premiere episode. Pic credit: Bravo

After seeing the home invasion, we are taken back 3 weeks to catch up on who is friends with who.

We learn that Garcelle and Sutton are still besties and now living up the single life together. Woo-hoo! Love this duo.

And we see that Rinna and Erika are together – in the “other camp” shall we say.

But there is a common bond tying them all together… with the exception of Rinna, the remaining three are single and ready to mingle!

Well, unless you’re Erika… in that case, she just wants to have really good sex with good people and also sex with some not-good people.

Rinna points out that sex is something new for Erika. And though that sounds oddly funny, I realized it is also oddly true. I mean, she wasn’t exactly active with Tom… so…

And then we have Garcelle, who suggests she and Sutton tag team someone together.

Sutton “reacts” to Dorit’s home invasion

While we are on the subject of these two groups, we are invited into a little WWHL snippet where Sutton talked some smack about Rinna, saying she invited Rinna and Harry to an Elton John charity event and Sutton didn’t receive a thank you. (Gasp!)

Sutton ended up saying this slip-of-the-tongue was a no-no, but it sets the stage for what I can only presume is a set-up for more drama.

But who needs contrived drama when we have our Southern Queen telling Kyle she’s had a trying day, similar to Dorit’s.

SUTTON: I’ve been putting out fires all day today too.

KYLE: What fires?

SUTTON: Well I’ve got this French designer trying to come in and immigration and all that… I mean I wasn’t held at gunpoint or anything like that, but still.

Potatoes Po-tah-toes. It’s all relative.

Now, whether you love Sutton or love to hate her… perhaps you found this moment funny. Or perhaps not.

But, I’ll just leave this Tweet right here.

Sutton is coming with it, and I gotta admit – I’m here for it.

And when she’s not talking about French designer problems, she’s low-key shading Erika during her confessionals!

It’s clear that Sutton won’t forget the way Erika threatened her last season (do the words “OR WHAT?!” ring a bell?), despite Kyle’s crocodile tears for everyone.

And in case you were wondering if Erika has dropped that thug life persona for Season 12, I got news for ya. She hasn’t.

Erika maintains that there are plenty of news articles out there discussing her innocence, but no one chooses to talk about those.

She proceeds to belittle the producers during her confessional, telling them to go find the stories because she doesn’t have time for it.

What’s more, “Thug Life Girardi” tells Garcelle in this odd tone about Dorit’s robbery: “She was held at gunpoint, Garcelle.”

And, I’m sorry, but was she giving Elizabeth Holmes vibes at the moment where she told Garcelle that all the facts were in her favor and that she didn’t touch any money.

Is it just me or has Erika just stopped caring and gone full-out thug mode?

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills screenshots
NOT JUST YOU LIZ!! I’m traumatized. Pic credit: Bravo

At Dorit’s de-briefing session with all the ladies at Kyle’s house, Mauricio is there looking stoned as ever, pouring the drinks and eating the cheese [love ya Mo!].

PK arrives, has a tender moment crying for his Bubba, and we end with PK and Dorit (who is sporting her gray sweats but a Louie scrunchie) leaving Kyle’s house.

But wait! PK can’t find his phone! Dorit sits on the bench while Bubba goes in and looks and Dorit cries to herself and assures herself “she will be alright.” (And we are glad you are, Dorit. Seriously, all obligatory snark aside.)

So let’s quickly give out our Diamond Award of the night and it goes to none other than… DRUMROLL PLEASE!!…

Sutton Stracke
Congrats Sutton on receiving our first Diamond award of the season! Pic credit: Bravo

Oh yeah, Crystal made an appearance. And soon we will be introduced to new Housewife Diana Jenkins! I’m looking forward to her! Are you?

In the meantime, I’m going to go find Mo for some more wine. Ohhhhhh Moooooooo!!!

‘Til next week my Housewives-lovers!

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Bravo.

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