Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Season 12, Episode 9, Calamity Jayne, with a little help from a glass of Champs (or two)…
Hello, my Housewives-lovers! Can I still call you that after last night’s episode?
I mean, we only had one Ms. Drunk Jayne proposing threesomes to one son while cursing out another.
Then we had another adult- four of them- laughing at the drunken behavior.
It’s times like these I’m grateful for Garcelle and the ability to get drinks with carcasses out.
So pour yourself a Dorit-inspired drink and don your best-borrowed mink. Let’s recap.
Kyle Richards questions Sutton Stracke
We picked up from last week’s debacle where Black Swan Diana was all smug with Sutton, calling her boring, and, I’m sorry, but WHY is she still here?
To add insult to injury, after Sutton again tries to empathize with Diana by sharing that she also had a miscarriage (two, in fact), Kyle butts in.
Not only does Kyle butt in, but she is all wild hair in the air, grabbing Sutton’s shoulders and insinuating that Sutton never had the miscarriages!
Did I seriously just write that. Like, did that actually come out of Kyle’s mouth?
By Lord, it did.
But who has time for this when we have Erika over there on the couch about 12 spicy margaritas in!
Now, I’m sure this “new Erika” will provide us with light humor, right?
Erika Jayne gravitates to Garcelle Beauvais’ sons
Erika first sets her sights on Garcelle’s older son, Oliver, and says, have your “baby mamma” get in my DMs. We can do a threesome.
As if that wasn’t enough, poor Jax (Garcelle’s 14-year-old son) simply comes over to grab some flowers for guests, and Erika tells him to “get the f**k outta here.”
Kyle, Dorit, PK, and Mauricio laugh about Erika
And suddenly, it’s Thanksgiving!
I’m seeing cameos of Kathy at Kyle’s family Thanksgiving! Oh, and there’s Kim. And, oh lookie there – it’s … Teddi?!
Why is that gal determined to insert herself in Kyle’s functions anywhere she can, isn’t she?
So after that random Thanksgiving montage, Kyle and Mauricio host a little dinner party with Dorit and PK, and my spidey senses tingle because I sense trouble.
The last time this foursome (Erika – don’t get excited at that word) was together, they all laughed at the time Erika told the “rolled his car five times/it was snowing in Pasadena story.”
On tonight’s menu, they laugh at Erika cursing out Garcelle’s son!
Mauricio says he thinks it’s “great” that Erika did that. (Uh, Mauricio, you do realize you have a new show coming out soon, and that comment probably won’t win fans.)
For the record, Kyle did apologize to Sutton for her remarks at Garcelle’s party, which Sutton graciously accepted.
However, regarding the foursome’s remarks, Kyle has simply defended herself.
As for Erika, she’s practically about to s**t a brick on the way to Sutton’s housewarming party over the thought of facing Garcelle’s “Haitian mamma” wrath.
Diana is a no-show at Sutton’s party
I must say, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Erika look as nervous as she did standing next to Garcelle at Sutton’s party.
She beelined to Garcelle to say hello, which Garcelle seemed to appreciate. However, I never quite heard an apology.
Just picking your moment, Erika?
Calamity Jayne proceeds to order ONE glass of champagne, to which Garcelle gives the silent nod of approval.
And would you be quiet over there, Rinna, about your clog heels because I’m trying to see if Erika will apologize to Garcelle!
Still no apology.
The ladies take their dinner party outside despite the ground being a wet, mucky mess, and everyone, including good ol’ Sheree, is there.
Wait a stinkin’ minute. I spoke too soon.
Diana’s place card is there. Her salad plate is full. But her chair is empty!?
Garcelle: Sutton, did you know Diana wasn’t coming?
Garcelle: You know what I call that. Rude.
I love this woman. She is the only one talking with a lick of sense these days. While all are laughing about Erika’s alcohol consumption (okay, I admit I thought the boat incident was funny), Garcelle is actually showing concern.
Next week, we see that Erika doesn’t stick to her one-glass limit of champs, and Garcelle is wondering if we have a real problem on our hands.
You keep these ladies straight, Garcelle!
I’m off to see if Kathy will come back. I ordered her on Wish. But they delivered me Diana, and now I want my money back.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Bravo.