Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Season 12, Episode 8, It Takes a Villain, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Hello friends. I feel like I just got the wind knocked out of me, and I still have a look on my face of disgust that I can’t seem to wipe off.
It’s not over Erika’s cheetah outfit and matching boots. It’s not over the dance moves that went down on that floor. And it’s not over seeing Rinna naked on Facetime.
It’s over the Black Swan who made an appearance at Garcelle’s birthday party. In the form of one Diana Jenkins.
And it was NOT a good look.
Pour yourself a spicy margarita – or 10 if you’re Erika – and let’s recap.
Happy 55th birthday, Garcelle!
As much as I’d love to indulge in wondering about Dorit’s mother’s accent, or who this guy Jeff is that showed up at Crystal’s house, or even Crystal’s Instagram cooking show, we got a birthday to attend.
And attend they did. Why there’s Ali Landry, the Doritos girl! And is that Rob Kardashian’s ex, Adrienne, I spy?
Now, all we need is Denise Richards. Oh, Denise!! Denise Richaaaaaards!
What’s that? She’s not here? More on that later. Right now, we need to set the stage for Black Swan Diana’s arrival.
Garcelle foreshadowed the night when she told Sheree Zampino (two words: Will Smith) that her birthday was going to be a Kumbayah moment.
Then, Crystal told “Jeff” that “when you jab Diana, it’s nuclear.”
As if that wasn’t enough of a backdrop, Diana tells the ladies via shady group text that she won’t be attending Garcelle’s birthday because she is on bed rest. Doctor’s orders.
Diana also misspelled Garcelle’s name, but only the dynamic duo (Garcelle and Sutton) would notice such a thing.
So Diana’s a no-show right?
Enter Diana, in her black poofy vest alongside her boy toy, I mean, husband, ALSO in a black poofy vest.
They stride in expecting everyone to notice them, and when nobody really does, they remind everyone how many Birkin bags Diana has.
You see, the birthday girl had a measley $500 cake in the shape of a Birkin bag, so why not talk about all of Diana’s REAL Birkin bags including the princess cut diamond one she has now.
Did she mention it’s worth a quarter of a million dollars?
Diana and Sutton go to WAR
So did I like miss a memo? When did Diana become an outright? Oh, I don’t want to say it.
Garcelle, you do the honors.
Now I don’t know if it was the outfit making her feel all tough girl – what with the faux leather wrist cuffs and all – but Diana really did come out fists swinging.
Sutton started the conversation with “How are you. You’re on bed rest … but you’re HERE – that’s confusing. You’re going to have to clear it up.”
Now, true, Diana does not owe Sutton an explanation here, but the level ol’ Birkin Queen took this conversation to was beyond.
I mean, she even came for our Birthday Girl, asking her, “what are you Sutton’s bodyguard? Her mouthpiece?”
Excuse you, Ms. Jenkins??
No one. And I repeat, NO ONE, steps to my Garcelle like that.
Not only does Diana call Sutton “boring,” but she (yet again) brought up Sutton allegedly not listening to her when she talked about her brother’s passing.
She also calls Sutton a fake and a phony, and I just wanted her to finish that with “and I wish I never laid eyes on you!” ala Grease style.
Sutton takes this as projection, and all I can think of is how Diana is seriously looking like the evil Black Swan in that get-up, especially once Garcelle in all white sits next to her.
Sutton in her comical ways notes, “this is a very different Diana – the bed rest did ya good.”
And Diana is all “you need a new villain? Well here I am.”
SUTTON: “We’re done here. You’re an a**hole.”
Wow. That “how are you feeling” sure went left, didn’t it.
So next week, the argument continues. Kyle probably will do another split. And Erika might cajole the bartender into sneaking her just one more spicy marg.
You know what, Lady in Leopard. I’ll join ya. And we can yell at Garcelle and call her a “p**sy b**ch” together if she allows Denise Richards to steamroll her three times in a row.
Diana has got me feeling that riled up.
Now has anyone seen Garcelle’s son, Oliver? Erika is looking at him like a piece of red meat, and he must be protected at all costs.
‘Til next time, my Housewives-Lovers!
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Bravo.