Monsters & Critics columnist Liz Long recaps the Married at First Sight finale, which is Season 10, Episode 16, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two)….
“Love don’t live here no more,” says Brandon.
“Did it ever?” asks this little recapper.
Yes, folks, we have reached the end of this love journey on Married at First Sight. Brandon and Taylor have made it all the way to Decision Day to determine whether they want to stay married or get a divorce.
Mindy and Zach are back. I am as dumbfounded as you.
It’s MAFS D-Day. Let’s recap.
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Brandon and Taylor (finally!) get a divorce
Here’s a clue something is woefully askew in your marriage: You show up to Decision Day. ALONE.
I don’t care how much off-cam cuddling there’s been, Taylor. It’s time to call a spade a spade.
Though Brandon does decide to grace us with his presence, he comes with a story that went something like this: “Production made me late for my job… twice. And that’s why my marriage is failing.”
Oh no, Brandon. Not so fast. Though these “experts” did a poor job this season in the matchmaking department, they still smell bulls**t when presented with it. So spare us, mmmm-k?
Dr. Viviana: “So your problem begins and ends with us holding you up for work?”
Brandon: “Hold that thought. I have to go to the bathroom.”
Pastor Cal: “Do you have incontinence? Can you not hold it?”
No, he can’t, Pastor Cal. Because, you see, that was a damn good question by Dr. Viviana, and little Brandon here doesn’t know how to answer it.
Taylor comes off a bit weak, but, finally, she says she wants a divorce, to which, Brandon (like the true MAN he is), ends with, “I’m over it.” The feelings mutual, B.
Katie and Brandon stay together (meh)
I have gone from loving this couple to liking only Derek. Sorry, Katie. But I was kinda hoping he would say he wanted a divorce. Eeks. Did I just say that? I mean, I WANT to root for love. But why do I get the feeling that Katie is going to be a wet blanket on Derek’s child-like personality? (For the record, child-like is good here.)
Perhaps Katie feels like the only way she can have some skin in the game is if she comes off as a challenge. But not only is this schtick unnecessary, Katie. It’s old. And it’s only a matter of time before it wears on Derek as well.
After some faux hemming and hawing (insert eye roll emoji), Katie, says she wants to stay married as well.
And out of love, I say this: clear the blockage, Katie. Stop with the act. And just be vulnerable to Derek. He’s kinda worth it.
Mindy and Zach, why are you guys here?
Are we just going through the motions here now? We know he hasn’t been a good husband. And now we are going to hear him say “I know what I have to offer to women.”
Wow. Just wow. Pastor Cal is picking at his ears. Dr. Pepper is rolling her eyes. Zach is still circular talking. Again, I ask: Why are these two here?! And I ask this with even more emphasis than I did with Taylor and Brandon.
But, alas. Hugs all around. But not without a shoulder slug from Dr. P, urging him, “be a better man.”
You said it, Dr. P.
As Zach’s IG account grows … and grows… so does Mindy’s confidence.
Did Zach get off a little too easy, and might he be winning in his own world? You betcha. Cheers.
Meka and Michael decide to get a divorce – shocker
Let’s face it, guys. The most successful thing about this couple on Decision Day was Meka’s look. The dress. The nails. The hair. Lookin’ good, Meeks.
Meka was the first to finally call it quits, and, quite honestly, Michael looked a bit shocked. I’m not sure why considering this couple has not had one iota of fun since basically Episode 2.
They owned up to mistakes they’ve made, but, at the end of the day, it just wasn’t enough. Wise move, Meka. Move on and find someone who can make you smile. Like that ghost, maybe? Or Taylor? Seriously, they have way more fun together than their spouses of yore.
Jessica and Austin decide to stay married – shocker
No surprise here. Jessica and Austin decided to stay married on Decision Day. I am happy we had one truly well-matched couple this season. One out of five ain’t bad, right? (Trying to be optimistic here guys.)
The most dramatic storyline for these two was whether Austin would finally say “I love you,” and he finally did to Jessica’s delight.
Okay, guys. Go on and have kids now. Do BBQs with Jess’s twin sister. All that jazz. They couldn’t be more vanilla. Maybe they’ll take up Katie’s suggestion and have some sexy time over the phone while Austin is away – like Katie suggested. Seriously, guys. Consider it. You all could use more excitement than hand molds in your lives.
Well, that ALMOST does it, folks! The actual finale (aka, reunion special) is coming up, and, I gotta tell ya, it looks way more exciting than all this season’s episodes combined! We have hints of betrayal (Katie?). We have allegations of some of them becoming more than just friends (say what now?!). And we have suggestions that Jessica and Austin are on the fritz. (Clever editing, anyone?)
More importantly, we have a new MAFS season around the corner! I’m excited! How about you? Hopefully, the experts do a little better job pairing than they did this arduous season. Until then, MAFS-Lovers, I bid you adieu. In the meantime, stay healthy and safe!