Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps Married at First Sight Season 10, Episode 10, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two)…
Well folks, I settled into this episode, all happy — ready to pair it with a nice little glass of pinot and a hearty bowl of mac and cheese (Props Katie and Derek).
With all the ingredients for cuteness, how could I not be excited? I mean, this episode had a couples’ cooking class on the docket — complete with bright green aprons and matching green puree’ sauce!
But, oh no. These couples had to ruin that short-lived happy time for me, didn’t they?
Instead of cooking up the savory or the sweet, they cooked up nothing but the hate and the heat! And I don’t mean heat in a good way (I ain’t talking to you, Katie and Derek).
Jessica and Austin, you two just go ahead and keep baking your cookies. Katie and Derek, you go on with your mac and cheese, painting, and Jenga. Seriously. Play more, Jenga.
All you others, I’m sending in Dr. Pepper to kick your ass! First up, and let’s just get it over with…
Taylor and Brandon
Brandon is (understandably) bothered by Taylor’s Instagram post in which she basically declared her single-hood. And Taylor wants to take zero accountability for this.
Not only did she claim Brandon tried to gaslight her, but she also proved she still can’t get over Panama: Day 2 and unapologetically drew her line in the sand.
She’s not sorry and even goes as far as to say her post wasn’t directed toward Brandon! Taylor, I was with you until this.
Brandon is all: I’ve tolerated the random guys calling at 3 a.m. (say what now?), and he is D.O.N.E. But don’t go demanding that the producers de-mike you just yet, Brando.
Dr. P has a nice little guilt trip for you first…
You tell them, Dr. P. Now you can go hide under a blanket and get as far away from these two as possible.
Of course, there is no intimacy or trust-building exercise for these two. And for some bizarre reason, Taylor meets with her friends and seems to actually be entertaining the idea that there is still hope? What say you, friend?
Guess you should head on over to that party, Taylor, with all the single guys. I just hope they check the boxes on your list.
Mindy and Zach
Dr. Pepper is hopped up from her “mediation” with Brandon and Taylor and strolls on over to Mindy
and Zach‘s apartment to decimate Zach the Douche. Let’s see you talk your way out of this one, Zatch! The Doctor is on fire!
Dr. Pepper starts out with gentler tones, calling the direction of the marriage “atypical.” Atypical in the sense that Zach has thrown the normal course of the show out of whack and not moved in with Mindy.
Mindy is sick of being a broken Cheap Trick record, saying I’m sick of begging him to beg me. Or even wanting him to want me.
Typical Zatch: “I’ve given it my all.”
Oh no you didn’t, Zach. Thank the Lord Mindy has a friend in Dr. P. who sets the circular-talker straight.
Dr. Pepper: “You haven’t given it your all. Otherwise, you’d be living here.”
Zach continues spewing the BS, referencing an “avenue to attraction” that he is apparently “aware of,” and our hero of the episode is having none of it.
Dr. Pepper: “I’ve never seen a spouse like Zach before. Zach has decided he’s doing this any way that’s good for Zach.”
Bless you, Dr. Pepper. Bless you.
Zach and Mindy do an awkward tantra yoga exercise, prescribed by Dr. Pepper. But I felt like I was watching more of an uncomfortable birthing exercise than the sexually-charged scene it should have been.
Never fear, though, all. Zatch is going to “strongly consider” moving in with his wife. I suppose we can all breathe a collective tantric sigh of relief now.
Meka and Michael
Oh, Meka and Michael. I just can’t with you two anymore. Things have taken a turn for the worse for these two since their pedicures.
In a very tender, vulnerable moment, Meka yells, “HOW DO YOU WANT ME TO BE MORE VULNERABLE?!”
She needs specifics, and she’s not talking about the lying kind that Michael has been doing. Seriously, though. It’s just weird that Michael would lie about being a yoga instructor.
Try as they might, their communication styles are completely flawed. I place more blame on Michael, but Meka does have some aggressive tones. No matter which nuanced hand gesture she uses.
She’s over him lying. He’s over her. I’m over them. Next!
Jessica and Austin
Hey you guys, here’s something I haven’t been familiar with all episode long. SMILES!
“She’s the highlight of my day, every single day,” says Austin. Okay, you guys. That’s enough cuteness out of you. No need for apologies. It’s okay to be a successful married couple. We, the audience, actually kind of like it. It’s fun watching people be happy.
Just one favor, though? No more warm bourbon body shots out of hairy belly buttons (or even robotic lap dances)? Thanks, you guys. You really are just the sweetest! Now scram off to that bed, you knuckleheads.
Katie and Derek
Katie and Derek had a good night tonight. Burnt eggs aside, these two finally put away their “I love you” affirmation needs and finally decided to have a little fun. And fun they had. I’m talking cooking classes. I’m talking paint-by-numbers. I’m talking Jenga!
And man oh man, am I really talking some Jenga. Now THAT was a good way to end the episode.
And may I also say, Derek. Kudos for the whole “every time we make a mistake we have to take a sip.” Say no more, Derek. Say no more. Mamma’s got this.
These two have me loving some mac and cheese and red wine, and my cold soul is warming back up to them. Did I mention the Jenga segment? Just be sure to give him those back scratches, Katie, and Derek, manhandle away!
What did you think of tonight’s episode, MAFS lovers?
Next week we see Mindy reacting to the news that Zach is having an emotional affair with one of her friends! Way to kick a girl when she’s down, Zatch. Off to drown my sorrows in some mac and cheese and pinot! Until next week!
Married at First Sight airs on Wednesday at 8/7c on Lifetime.